Thursday, December 8, 2011

28...for the last time

So, today is the last day that I can say I am 28 years old.
I don't know what to say about that. One one hand, I'm glad to be getting older; on the other hand....I'm getting older! The response that I've been getting has been quite funny actually. People who are older than me feel compelled to tell me what happens when I am to hit whatever age they declare as "downhill"
 "You probly won't be able to drink coffee after 35...it all goes downhill from there"
"My eyes went when I was 40 so enjoy it while it lasts"
Then there are those younger than me who feel compelled to remind me of my youthfullness...
"what! 29? I thought you were in your early 20's"
"you exude youthfullness!"
Is this what happens when you get close to 30? That limbo where young people think you're old and old people think you're young? Where does that leave me? I can see why people go through mid or quarter life crisis! Geesh!

Going from 28 to 29 is, well...kinda weird. It's like one of those ages that doesn't really count; just gets you one step closer to 30.....30, the age where everyone starts to question why you are not married, don't have kids...you know the "what the hell are you doing with your life" questions. (I am soooo looking forward to those!) And though I'm not in a rush to do either of those things, because our culture tells us that it must be done...people will ask. And I will tell them "when I get good and ready to! Besides, unless you are going to pay for the wedding, diapers, bottles, college tuition...not to mention the marital counseling that will result from two people being pressured into getting married because society tells them that there's no better time than now, even though they are not ready...then you can pick whatever date you wish!" That should scare em off for a while ;)

But in all seriousness.....I'm looking forward to 29. It seems to have a bit of sophistication to it, yet is still young enough to have a lil fun! Mostly, (and sad to say) I'm looking forward to leaving 28 behind. Its been a long year. And though I know that I've learned a lot this year, I'd much rather just take my lessons and leave the drama behind (thank you very much). I am praying that 29 will be very different than 28. But, nevertheless, I'm hoping to enjoy this last day and go out of this year with style!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Voices in my head

Great. Now that I have your attention.
I'm not crazy...
Well, that's not entirely true, but who's counting?
I'm only writing because I can't seem to focus. This quarter has been really hard on me. I find myself frustrated more often (as is the reason for my previous posts) and have been trying to figure out why. Well I think I know at least a part of it.
It's the voices in my head.
Now, now; lets not get carried away. I do not have voices telling me to do crazy things. What I mean by this is all of the negitivity that I've come against has had a way of eating away at my confidence. Allow me to explain:
I wrote an article for the SEMI about my experience with spiritual abuse this summer. In a nutshell, someone tried to place impossible expectations on me and when I stopped allowing it, they figured it was because I was "out of the will of God." As easy as it was just to re-tell my story; it was hard to write. I had to realize that this article was only a small piece of the discouragement that I've encountered. I didn't realize how much affect it had on me. But as I sit here trying to answer questions in my New Testament class, or write exegitical papers or even read the assigned reading, I realize that those words are still there.
It's really hard to ask questions when no one seems to think they're important enough to answer properly. It's also hard to give your opinion when your opinion has always been disregarded. I remember when I first expressed that I thought I wanted to be a "minister." Instead of encouragement, I got a lecture on what it really means to be "called." In other words; you may think you are, but you are not. Here's another example:
Deacon: what do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: I want to be a writer
Deacon: Well, how are you going to make money?
Me: uh...I'm going to be a writer
Deacon: oh, you just think you are going to get by because you are cute huh?
Me: ....
Eventually I started to internalize the "you are not good enough" language well enough to speak it on my own. Now instead of others telling me I'm not good enough, I just continue to play those stories and others like broken records in my head. When I'm not playing those, I'm playing the ones that say "you have to be the best." or "you need to be better than everyone, even your teachers."
You can only imagine the stress this can create. It's a lose-lose situation. And for some reason, I find that I deal with these voices more often as of late. Why, I'm not sure. But I am praying for those glimpses of soberness to last long enough so that I can at least get some work done.
Eventually, I know I am going to have to learn how to silence those voices of negativity and to embrace who God has truly called me to be. I can only hope that it happens soon...

Saturday, October 15, 2011

My dream

OK so last night I had this dream that I can't seem to figure out. Normally, I never remember my dreams so when I do remember one (and with some detail) I always pay attention.

I'm not sure where the dream starts but I'm in a diner and I'm at a table with my 5-year old self. Now, I'm not sure how I know that this 5 year old is me, but I do. She (or I rather, or mini-me?) is sitting at the table with a laptop. She is telling me how she always wanted to go to seminary, mostly because she had a dream of a woman in seminary (not sure who, but I remember she was white, and her last name started with a K) who either told her she needed to go to seminary or something like that. The woman mini-me had a dream about was indeed someone I knew as my adult self (or I knew in the dream).
I told my 5-year old self not to give up on her dream to go to seminary or that woman, because it was going to come true (because in the dream I was in seminary and had a relationship with this woman). I told mini-me not to let anyone take away her dream, no matter how hard they tried, cause it was going to come true.
Then a woman walked into the diner to pick mini-me up. I took one look at the woman and started to cry. I realized the woman was my mother. I was crying because (in the dream) my mother died when I was a child and to see her now was overwhelming. She didn't seem to notice me though. It was then that I realized that I was in the diner but I actually wasn't (if that makes sense). I then also realized that I wasn't alone; there was a friend with me (a female friend).

Now, this dream is weird for several reasons:
1. I don't recall ever wanting to go to seminary when I was 5 or having any dreams about it
2. I have no clue who the woman with the last name that starts with a K is.
3. The "mother" in the dream was not my real mother (I think she was some actress in a TV show I saw the other night)
4. My real mother is still alive (thank God)

So...I have no idea what this dream could mean. I feel like I'm supposed to remember it for some reason but I have no clue why....it just makes no sense.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Human Filtration System

So...it seems as if my last blog sparked much conversation! Most of which I wasn't expecting of course, as writers never really believe people actually READ their blogs. I find it interesting that so many different conclusions were drawn from it, from my "hatred" for seminary to dropping out of school altogether. I can assure you that neither of those are my intentions or feelings. Now, granted, I said some serious stuff (that obviously struck a cord with many of you) and though I am not here to explain myself, I do want to point out what I learned from this experience.

The first bit of knowledge comes in the form of advice from a good friend of mine: "Don't sign contracts when you're happy and don't publish blogs when you're angry."
Point taken.

The other point though (and reason for this blog entry) is what I learned about the "human filtration system," that is, how people read into and take out of what I (or someone else) writes. I'm currently taking a course in Exegetical Methods (how convenient) where one of the main points is to realize what you "bring" to the reading. It is important for us to realize that we do not read anything outside of ourselves. Our experiences, families, dislikes, hobbies, thoughts, concepts, and theology all play apart in how we take in information. It also plays a part of how we process and draw conclusions from the information we take in. I thought it was very interesting how suggestions of "leaving school" or "disliking the structure of school" came from individuals who themselves shared this same viewpoint or thought. I am not saying that this is the case for every comment or conversation by any means, but it is something that was pointed out to me. I had to realize that as a writer I have no real control over what people will ultimately take from what I write. I can only be as clear as I possibly can to communicate what it is what I feel or say. And I have found this week that writing when you are high on any type of emotion does not always guarantee the best communication. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not (it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!)

Now, I can go on some tangent on how this experience caused me to struggle with reading the Word in a new way, simply because I realize from a writers prospective how things written are not always "set in stone" but (in some ways) become subject to the person doing the reading. But I think I  will save that for a later blog. What I find interesting in all of this is the ability (or lack thereof) to "struggle" or to contend with things without absolutes, that is, the fight with ambiguity we often find ourselves in, and the discomfort that it brings.

Why is it that we need to hold on to absolutes? And by this I mean, why do we need to always be quick to find the answers? I find myself in the midst of a deconstruction process that I can't seem to fully articulate and yet I'm shocked to see one of two things: 1. Others who seem to have skipped this process of seminary or refuse to admit it and 2. those around me (not just at school) who wish to put a label or to clearly identify what it is that I am "going through." No, I am not dropping out of school and no, I do not have any "hatred" toward school. I actually enjoy my classes (when I'm not so frustrated that the teachers seem like they're straight out of "Charlie Brown") and I am in fact doing well in them. But that doesn't make it any easier. The fact that I seem "OK" doesn't disqualify me from the process of deconstruction of one's theology. I see it like this:

Imagine realizing that you have been spoon-fed your theology your entire life, only to be left with a strong desire for more. You are then invited to a table, yet when you sit down to a great buffet, you realize that you have no idea how to feed yourself?

That's how I feel. I find that everything I thought I knew about God was the idea of someone else (granted, our ideas and perceptions are in a way a combination of other peoples ideas, but lets not get caught up in the particulars). I feel as if the only way I can see the "God I know and serve" is through the lens of other people. I want to know God, really know Him, for myself, but I find myself ill-equipped to learn. 

Seminary, in my first year of course, has a way of unveiling every God you have ever served and begs the question, "Pick one?" Well, I've realized that the gods in front of me all suck. Not that the all are just horrible, they have their good sides, but for some reason I've created gods that suit my needs and make me comfortable. Gods that fit in my form of absolutes and provide clear concise answers to my questions. Maybe in a way, that's what I expected from seminary; embracing the God that answers my questions. Instead I feel like I've been confronted with the God who asks me questions; questions I cant seem to fully understand let alone answer.

 For those of you who find yourselves in the same position; keep the conversation going. There are so many students that feel the same way and have no one to talk to about it. Engage other students in the conversation, and your teachers as well. I have found (the hard way) that some teachers wish to be apart of this conversation. Don't be afraid to live without absolutes or complete answers to your questions (as Paul did) or to really say what you are feeling (as David did). Part of my reconstruction is embracing this process of deconstruction and allowing myself to, well, feel human, fragile, ill-equipped and unprepared to take on this thing called life. And to situate myself in a community of people with issues like me.

I am sure this blog makes no sense, but I am in a place where nothing really makes sense so I don't think I'll produce any sensible work anytime soon. But what I can say is that God has a way of working with things that are foolish. With that being said, I am sure He has plenty of work to do where I'm concerned.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Before the smoldering ends...

As I embark on the third week of this new quarter, I find myself becoming a little skeptical. What the hell am I doing here again? I find myself questioning everything, but having no real interest in the answer itself. I'm getting frustrated in the fact that I find myself drowning in the particulars; that is, surrounded by the "facts" and "points" of what makes up this whole "theology thing" but cant seem to see the exit to where all this stuff makes sense or will actually be of use to me. I find myself disinterested in the material presented to me (hence the reason I'm typing this blog during class) and completely detached at it's implied results (whatever those may be). Is this what seminary does to you? Strips you of your desire to know God and replaces it with facts about what other people think about God? Kills your "passion for His name" and replaces it with the principles of man? I can only hope that that is not my fate, but can't help but to notice the symptoms that lend to this diagnosis.

So what then? Do I just continue down this road and follow it to the depths of wherever it may lead? What does this "disinterest" really say about where I am right now? How do I "overcome" this and is it really worth overcoming? Granted, I would like to get something out of this, but my point for being here is nothing to do with grades (though it is a part) or knowledge (though that also is a part). I am simply a girl who made a vow to follow her God to the ends of the Earth. How that got me to seminary, I have no clue.

So, I can only hope that the passion I once had for God, His Word, His People, and all that includes will be reignited again.Cause for some reason, life has seemed to put a dampening on that fire, and I find myself "blowing smoke" in efforts to regain that passion. Maybe that passion has past, and a new passion is now required for this new season. Again, I am not sure. I can only hope that the rekindling will happen soon, before the smoldering ends...

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Rising of the Prophetic Scribe Part I

"The most important thing for a writer is not their ability to write, but their ability to see."
I said that to my best friend two weeks ago after we had breakfast at a diner in North Hollywood. We usually have breakfast there, and we always take the time to catch up and talk about different things. I usually say something pretty cool and we joke about putting it on Facebook. That day was like no other. I mean, I just said it...it sounded like it made sense. It wasn't until earlier this week that I began to question it. What the heck does that mean? Ability to see? Now I can go on some tangent about how to write reality or believable stories but I am almost certain that I don't have enough "real life" to back it up yet. Besides, that's not the point. My ability to "see" as a writer has nothing to do with my physical sight, or so I found out today at church.

See, it has been spoken over my life that I am to be called into the office of a prophet. Scary huh? I think so. Last time I checked, the prophets in the bible led pretty unusual lives and well, to be honest, I'd prefer not to be the one who eats out of the mouth of birds and I'd much rather keep the clothes I have on (thank you very much). But I have come to realize that for some weird reason, God likes to use me in prophetic ways (whether I'd like it or not) and continues to draw me toward prophetic houses (whether I'd like to go or not) so if this is true then I will digress and submit to the dealings of the Father.

But there is one thing, that no matter where I go, or what I do...or how much I try to run from it or deny it or try not to believe what people say, the truth is....I am a writer. Period. I can't seem to help it actually, writing is my first language. I used to think it was kinda lame or nerdy but people seem to like it so I figure I'd ride this coat tail for as long as I can (just kidding...not really). It was in this realization that God gave me a new word...Scribe. (can we say WORD STUDY! coming soon...)

I've been hearing the term "prophetic scribe" for years now and just kind of sat on it. I didn't really know what it all meant to be honest. Then today at church, Mark Stibbe, from London, came and got "all up in my Kool-Aid" Here I am thinking that I'm going to be rocked by his message on the father's heart and God completely sucker punches me with a message entitled, "Write on."  In the message, Mark talks about the rise of prophetic writers and how that is going to impact the Kingdom (he goes into way more detail but you just have to hear it). I was speechless! I couldn't believe that this man was preaching on the very thing I was going through! And not only that, but the very impact I wanted to make and how God wanted me to do it! I gotta tell you, something clicked in that service. I don't know exactly what yet, but it's big....I know it.

So....I say all that to say that this is officially the beginning of the rising of the Prophetic Scribe...whatever that means and whatever that takes....I'M GAME...

To be continued...

Monday, September 5, 2011

The Process of Believing

How do we begin to believe in something? I find myself asking that question far too often nowadays. See, the thing is: I don't believe in myself. I don't believe I am what people say that I am or who God says that I am for that matter. I believe that when people give me a complement or says something about my character, that they are truly genuine. I believe that they believe what they are saying. I just don't believe it.
I have writer's block...again. I'm trying to write this article (which shouldn't be that hard) and I find myself having the hardest time. It's not that I'm not excited about what I'm writing about, or that I don't have enough information about the topic, I just don't believe that what I produce is good enough.
I found that I have to have a really serious talk with myself....and God. Why is it that I don't believe? How can I say that I believe in God and all that He says and does, but I don't believe in who He created me to be? How is it that I see so much in other people and have such a strong desire for them to be all that they can be, but I don't believe that I can have that same accomplishment?
The Bible says that the two greatest commandments are to "love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. And to love your neighbor as YOURSELF." How can I feel love for my neighbor but not for myself? How can I say I actually have received God's love when I can't love myself?
I need to start believing again. I need to get to that place where I believe that I can do everything that God has called me to do. No more pretending. No more "fake it to you make it." I want to actually know that I know that I know, you know?
So...what is the process of believing? How do we begin to believe in something? Is it the fact that we've known it for so long that we just take it as truth? Or do we need to see it with our own eyes? Is there some kind of supernatural encounter that sparks our belief or is it like a seed that is sown and grows over time? How did I start believing in God? Cause I feel like He has always been, even though I didn't always believe. What causes me to believe in someone else, to see beyond the faults at what is beneath the surface? And how far do I have to dig to find that for myself? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not entirely sure of anything anymore. I could always stand in front of the mirror and recite the "I am loved, and beautiful and so on" bit, but will that make me believe it?

P.S. I'm getting tired of ranting on this blog about nothing. But it seems to be the only way I can write anything. Sigh...I need some breakthrough.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Trapped...


Have you ever felt like you were in a creative bubble, and you just couldn't create anything? Nothing you attempted was good enough, and you find yourself taking one step forward and three steps back? That's pretty much how I feel now. It's funny, this is the first time in my life that I've actually been vocal about my being an "artist" and wanting to really create and not run away from it. The only problem is that I just can't seem to create anything. I sit and stare at a blank screen or page for a while then realize that it's just a waste of time. As a matter of fact, I am fighting the temptation of just deleting this entire blog, cause for some reason I don't feel like it's good enough.

I don't know what this all means. I want to express myself creatively but I just feel stuck. This has been a huge transition for me and when I finally get to the point where I think I'm ready to step out, I can't produce. Here I am sitting in the midst of worship and I feel....trapped. I'm frustrated because I don't want to feel this way anymore. This whole "creative block" is nothing new, but I feel for the first time that I just want to be free enough and brave enough to express what I know is on the inside. For so long, I've been afraid of letting it out, now when I finally get brave enough to step out, I can't.

Someone asked if I was a singer today. I said yes. They said sing something, and I froze. I couldn't think of a single thing to sing. And I felt so disappointed in myself because for the first time in a long time, I want to pursue music more than ever. Yesterday I went to a friend's birthday party and he asked if I could do a poem. When he asked (a few weeks prior) I was so excited to participate. But by the time the birthday party came, I had nothing. And as I sat and watched my super talented friends be able to freely share their gifts, I wished I could do the same.

I don't know how to break out of this. I don't know what needs to kick or spark to get me going again. But it kind of sucks for a person to finally get to a place where they can say that they are an artist and not be able to create any art. What kind of artist can't create art? I can feel myself doubting again and I'm trying my best to hold on from slipping back into that fearful place but if I don't get a breakthrough soon, I don't know what will happen.....


That is all for now....

Monday, July 4, 2011

A Tired Spirit and a Broken Soul

This is honest conversation so I'll confess this now:

I'm crying as I write this.

So much so that there will be plenty of typos for me to correct after I'm done. But at this point there is nothing else to do but write.

And for those of you who would ask; no I'm not OK.

I'm tired. And extremely broken.

I made the decision to leave my current church and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For one, I have such a heart for the people there that I couldn't imagine walking away from them. But I had to, or else I wouldn't have survived. There was so much pressure on me that I just couldn't take it anymore. Even after they "re-leaved me of my duties" (I was either hands on or on leadership of almost every ministry; except Men's ministry) there was still the pressure and expectation to be "on" (praying, prophesying, praise and worship, intercessor, etc) and I just couldn't do it. There was just so much going on that I completely broke down. When I told my pastor I was leaving; he completely disagreed, said it was not God's will and in fact was diabolical.

Honestly, I don't even care to get into the details of it. I was extremely hurt by his reaction but not surprised. The whole conversation and "reasoning" behind why I was leaving became about him and not about me. I would say that I've never felt so belittled, but that would be a lie.How many times have I joined churches, eager to help the ministry, only to be worked to near death and than ridiculed for wanting to leave. Now granted, this isn't the way I wanted this to happen. But I couldn't take it anymore! I was dying inside...the pressure was killing me and stress was taking over my body. I know of Pastors who want to talk about how pressure is necessary and how pressure makes the coal into diamond (I've even been guilty of saying that) but lack of sleep,daily migraines, anxiety attacks and lack of focus does not lend itself to be a process of God.  I just needed space; and I felt like I was suffocating and there was no way out.

There is way more to this situation, but it is just too deep for me to type. but I can say that I never realized just how broken and tired I was until I stopped. I went to service with a friend this past Sunday and felt like I was going to pass out from spiritual exhaustion. It was there that those last few pieces that were held together by duty began to fall apart. At that point, I was nothing. After the service I went to the guest reception to greet the pastor and immediately I started hearing about their different ministries and small groups and things I might be interested in and I was like "I'm just visiting!" Why is it that we treat people like recruits for a pyramid scheme? "Oh look, you look like you have potential. Why don't you do this or this or that and get a few other people in while you're at it and maybe your status will go up." What ever happened to asking me about me? "How are you? Is there anything I can do to pray for you today?" What ever happened to getting to know people, not for the sake of what they can do for you or the ministry, but just because they are important enough to know? Right now I feel like what I can do is more valuable than who I am to some people. This makes me not want to be apart of church leadership anymore. Right now, I'm even afraid of visiting for fear that I will be bombarded again.

Don't ask me what I can do of what I have to offer cause I just don't have it. I don't remember the last time i was asked how are you by someone who really wanted to know. "I'm not OK. I'm broken and tired and just need a hug and a ear and some extra love and lots of rest and room to grow." I don't know where I am in terms of ministry. I know I don't want to do church leadership for a while. I feel so broken right now that I don't know if I will ever be at a place to give. But I know that I will get there eventually. Maybe. I know that the only place that I feel comfortable to do nothing is at Fuller. When I'm at school, I have the choice not to do something. I don't have to do everything, nor do I have to know how. It's OK if I mess up or don't fully understand something. No one expects me to be "on" all the time. That's the freedom I need in order to grow.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I'm not perfect.

I'm not perfect
(period)
and I still don't know what that means.

Cause I've always been taught
that I'm not perfect
(comma)
but I'm striving for perfection.

but in that striving
is the constant need of progression
that if this time isn't better than last time
then I've failed in that progression

who fails in progression?

"be ye perfect for I am perfect"
"we all fall short of the glory..."

I don't know if I should "fall" or "be"

I think I'm somewhere in between

All my life
I've always been the one who "can do everything"

I never realized how disjointed I've become

I've done so much of
"learning from the past"
and
"planning for the future"
that I have no clue what to do "right now"

who am I...right now

can I deal with my imperfections....right now
can I be OK with them...right now

maybe I've become so obsessed with being perfect that I fail to enjoy being me.

because I'm not perfect
(period)
and I still don't know what that means

Thursday, May 19, 2011

untitled


God, why do I feel so inadequate? Why am I so afraid to be who I am? Besides the fact that I don’t know who that is… It’s funny, when I really think about it; fear has always been my strongest and most dependable emotion. In a sense, it has become my adrenaline. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to separate who I am from being afraid. It’s not like I don’t have anything to say, but for the first time in a long time; I don’t know how to say it. I feel like every question I have is a stupid question and every answer isn’t a good enough answer and every comment doesn’t really contribute anything to the conversation. But what’s worse; I know that that way of thinking is wrong. I am fully “aware” that there is no truth to that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to walk out. I have become silenced by my own reality and how I see myself. 
God, I feel trapped. On one hand, there are so many ideas and concepts to explore about Theology and Culture and the Bible and Church and a million other things; and I get so excited about them. But my fear then becomes the fact that no matter how much research I do, or how many papers or articles I write, that I will never be able to come to a conclusion worthy of sharing amongst peers and especially not among professors. That no matter how many A’s I get; they will never be enough to qualify me. Maybe that’s why writing has become my first language. Maybe communicating through writing is my way of separating myself from anything “wrong.” Maybe it’s my way of dodging the looks on people’s faces when they don’t agree, or when I’m not making any sense, or when I stick my foot in my mouth. I know that none of this is true (in who you have called me to be) but it’s how I feel. How am I supposed to accomplish anything feeling and living this way?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Crapping in Public Places

This brings 'Honest Conversation' to a whole other level. This is not an article for the weak of stomach but I am going somewhere with this so please bare with me (I promise no pictures).

How many of us feel free to "crap in public places?"

I know I know, TMI. But allow me to use this metaphor in relation to church.

As a kid, I would always dread being out with family and friends and having to "go number 2" while we were out in public. For one, I would always get teased by my brothers and sisters. "Ewww, you're nasty!" "Can't you just wait till we get home?" The urge to "go number 2" in public was seen as a bad thing; an inconvenience. It took too long, and other people had to "deal" with it. It would be better for me to just "hold it in" until I got home and handled it in private.

(can you relate yet?)

I must admit, I was a bit traumatized by this. I found myself "holding it in" more often than not, and when I did manage to go, I felt ashamed for doing so. I dreaded those footsteps of someone entering the restroom before I left, and when they entered and were clearly disgruntled, I was quick to confess in some way "it wasn't me."

(how about now?)

As I got older, I realized how stupid my thoughts were. If people had to "go number 2" in a public restroom then why shouldn't they? Isn't that what its for? If it wasn't meant for people to go then why would they have the stalls to do so? Yes, it wasn't the nicest smelling thing in the world but do we really expect people to "hold it in" because we don't want to be inconvenienced for a moment?

(come on, you gotta connect some dots here)

Hopefully by now you were able to see where I am going with this. What if "crapping in public places" wasn't necessarily going to the bathroom but revealing a part of myself that wasn't so "Christian" to those in the church? Are there any relations between my fears of relieving myself in public to revealing myself in the church?

I think so.

If I may; allow me to "retell" my story in this context:

Being a new Christian, I always dreaded being with brothers and sisters in Christ and having the need to discuss things in my life that were considered "sinful" in church. For one, I would always get teased by my brothers and sisters, "You did what? I cant believe it!" "Isn't this something you should discuss in private?" The urge to speak on the things frowned upon in the church was considered a bad thing; an inconvenience. It took too long to sort out, and other people had to "deal" with it. It would be better for me to wait till I got home; these are things that should be handled in private.

(...)

I must admit, I was a bit traumatized by this. I found myself keeping silent more often than not, and when I did manage to speak on these things; I was ashamed for doing so. I dreaded the wrong person hearing about my "issues." When someone did hear it and was clearly offended, I was quick to separate myself from the issue: "I'm not talking about me, it's for a friend..."

(and again I say ...)

As I got older, I realized how stupid my thoughts were. If people need to talk about the "crap" in their lives in order to help them in their healing process then why shouldn't they? Isn't that what church is for? If it wasn't meant for people to go then why would they have the ministries to assist in this process? Yes, it wasn't the most "Christian" thing in the world but do we really expect people to remain silent about what ails them because we don't want to be inconvenienced for a moment? Are we not called to walk with people in this regard?

(things that make you go hmmmm...)

Comments?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Gospel of the Artist

This blog is inspired by a presentation from Christopher Slatoff, an accomplished sculptor, on the perspective of the gospels through the eyes of an artist.

The gospel of the artist is an extremely important view of the gospel that I feel is just as marginalized as those who view the gospel through the lens of their gender, cultural, economical, or geographical backgrounds. I say this not to diminish or devalue the importance of those views, but rather to put a perspective on how the body of Christ views those who choose to reveal the Gospel through creative expression. The reason for writing this is not simply because I am a performance artist myself, but because I was so impacted by Mr. Slatoff's presentation and thus felt the need to speak, hoping that somehow my words will allow those who have yet to experience the chance to truly receive the revelation of Christ through art an opportunity to do so.

I see Mr. Slatoff's sculpture every time I'm on campus, yet I see something different every time. Once, I was walking out of class (I don't even really remember where I was going exactly) and as I passed the sculpture, I saw something that struck me to the core: I saw fear in the face of Jesus. I was so taken back that I stopped in my tracks. Surely I must be wrong; Jesus wasn't afraid of anything; He's Jesus! Every lesson of Jesus' fearless journey to the cross that I've ever heard came to my remembrance and I felt condemned for even thinking that Jesus could feel that way. But then I remembered Jesus at Gethsemane. How much He prayed "not my will but thy will."  Wait...Jesus had a will? He struggled with laying his down too? It was then that I realized why I saw what I saw: I was afraid. I was scared of going through the death process of letting what I thought I knew go. Yet here was Jesus, sharing my pain and achieving what I never thought I could do in and of my own power. Here was the good news in front of me, clear as day. Not only did Jesus understand where I was, not only did He know the way out, He was the way out! It was in that moment that Jesus met me in my fearful place with the good news. It was the gospel that I needed to hear, and it was done through art.



I wonder how many people pass by this piece of art and simply admire it for it's incredible level of artistic skill. I wonder how many people simply look at this work as someone who took their gift of art and only used it to honor God. It often amazes me how quick we are to limit the voice of creative expression. "Aw, that's nice, they're using their gift for God's glory." Again, I'm not saying this isn't the case, but how often do we simply use this one-sided mindset and rob ourselves of the gospel that is being presented to us through this expression? Artists don't make pieces to present to God for his approval. When an artist makes something, sings something, writes something, they are speaking to whoever will read or listen or see it. They are telling a story, usually their own. In the case of the sculpture, Mr. Slatoff is sharing his view of the gospel. He is speaking; preaching even! Shall we negate the truths being spoken simply because he is not behind a pulpit? God forbid!

In our New Testament: Gospels class (where the presentation was given) we learn that the gospels weren't written to simply satisfy our quest for a historical Jesus, but to express a truth about Him, to create a picture of who Jesus really is so that we might believe. John makes this evident at the end of his gospel when he states:
Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name  (John 20: 30-31)
 To me, looking at the gospels is almost like looking at an incredible piece of art. When you look at a piece of art, (take the sculpture for example) it is obvious that there are clear, evident things happening within that piece (no one is going to walk up to the piece and say, 'look, someone shot Jesus'). Likewise, there are clear threads and events that are evident within the four gospels. However, there are also glimpses we get of art that are unique to every individual, based on their own experiences and perspectives. For me, it is also the same with the Gospels. Each gospel presents something different about Jesus and contributes a different piece to the puzzle (as illustrated in the blog "Eternal Rantings of a Sleepless Mind"). Through their gospels, we get a different glimpse of Jesus. It is when these pictures are placed together that we get a true feel for the depth of the gospel and a different light is shined on who Jesus truly is, the fulfillment of the promise to the people of Israel, and the redemption of the world.

Furthermore, I would like to argue that the church's blindness to the tremendous value of the gospel though creative expression only robs us of our chance to relate to God in the same way that we first encounter him; as Creator. In the beginning, God created... it is our obsession with our own intellect that steers us from the richness of art and it's ability to reveal God to us. If we are not stripping it of it's value in our education, our churches, or our concept of it being "purely entertainment," we are demonizing it, making it something far from God and thus a sin. I encourage schools and churches for embracing the arts as means of ministry and only hope that it can be viewed in a way that captures all of our senses, our learning abilities, and our hearts; leaving us completely open to receive what God has for us.

I would also like to add that the concept of revealing God's word through art speaks to the Gospel of John that states, "and the word became flesh and lived among us..." (John 1:14). It amazes me just how much of God's word I can see expressed in Mr. Slatoff's sculpture.

My hope is that we are able to allow the body of Christ the opportunity to experience God through creative means and likewise allow those with creative gifts to feel no shame in expressing them. That the church might be able to see God in a new way; meeting him in the beginning and walking in the image and likeness he had in mind for us when he stated, "Let there be light."

Friday, April 29, 2011

University: Unity within Diversity

Today in Chapel I got a chance to be a part of a gospel choir. I had a blast doing it (I hadn't been in a choir in years!). But I was more excited to see the reaction of the people more than anything else. This intrigued me for a few reasons. I'll admit, I'm a people watcher and enjoy watching people's reactions to things, but that isn't the only reason I was interested in the reaction of the people. In my five weeks here, I have found that there is a desire for more diversity which (to my observation of the responses of people around me) has yet to be fulfilled. I found this interesting since there seem to be so many people from different places that attend this school. The fact that I get a chance to study with people from all over the world was one of the things that attracted me to Fuller and yet it seems that we are faced with the same challenges that we would find outside the church. Now, before I go any further let me say this: I am not saying in any way that Fuller Theological Seminary is racist. In my experience here thus far; THIS IS NOT THE CASE. I personally have felt so welcome by everyone here (from students, professors and staff) and it is this since of community that has been the encouragement for me to keep going. It is my goal to share my observations and desires to see more of this sense of community expressed in the richness of the different cultures represented.

I mentioned in an earlier blog about Apostle Ellis Smith from Detroit, MI giving a word at our church where he shared with us what he calls "university" that is; unity within diversity. What I gathered from this message is that our churches shouldn't be considered places where we go to worship with people "like us" (by this I mean the same social, cultural and economic background as ourselves) but quite the contary: our churches and places of worship should be the very place where people from all different walks of life come together to worship the true and living God. After all, shouldn't God's power and love transend all of the factors that we have determined to be factors of separation and segregation? It was this very love that Jesus walked in when He was seen sitting with Tax collectors, healing gentiles, and loving the "unlovable" and if we are called to be followers of Christ, we are obligated to walk in that same transcending love.

This is why I was so intrigued to see the reaction of those at chapel the day of the gospel choir. I was excited to share the richness of my culture with others, and even more excited to see the unity within the expression of diversity. It is my goal and desire to see that expressed through the Latino and Asian communities as well. I believe that there needs to be a greater sense of "university" on the Fuller campus. I am not saying that we are not unified under Christ, but I would like to see a greater expression of diversity within that unity. I recently went to a meeting for a group on campus for students of African decent and during that meeting they asked for suggestions of things that we would like to see the group accomplish. My main suggestion is for us to not just be a group that "helps students of African decent feel welcome" but to give the Fuller community an opportunity to enjoy the richness of experiencing God through the African culture. There are so many cultures represented on our campus and I for one would love to be apart of those expressions. There is so much to learn from those of African descent, or Latino decent or Koren or Asian decent. There is a richness and a history that I would love to experience. Our goals as ethnic groups should not only be to gather those who "look like us" together simply for the sake of recognition and comfort. We have an obligation to share our culture with others, for our voices have been shaped by the lives of those who have come before us and we would do them a disservice if we simply conform to religious norms for the sake of "unity." This is also why I would like to see more culture representation in our professors, textbooks, student groups, newspapers, etc. I am by no means saying that this isn't happening, but if you feel that we have reached the pinnacle of diversity within the Fuller campus, then please respond to this blog with your observations and I will stand corrected.

I would like to quote Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr in his sermon "Remaining awake through a great revolution:"
All I'm saying is simply this: that all mankind is tied together; all life is interrelated, and we are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. For some strange reason I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. And you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be - this is the interrelated structure of reality.

I believe that despite our difference, we all thrive on our interdependence to one another. In an interdependent relationship, all participants are emotionally, economically, ecologically and/or morally self-reliant while at the same time responsible to each other.*  In this sense, each culture is in and of itself significant but as the body of Christ we are also responsible for one another (in love and accountability). I believe that there is a deeper level of understanding of God's love that I can experience through learning about my brothers and sisters in Christ who's lives are different than mine. I simply cannot obtain this understanding without the willingness to see God in all of His expression. How can we claim to have a grasp of the revelation of God and negate the very people who He created in His image because they are not like us? If that is my thinking then I most surely need to be retaught.

OK, I'm ranting.... (smile)

I would like to thank Gillian Grannum for putting this gospel choir together and allowing the Fuller community the opportunity to experience God in a different way, and I encourage others to do the same. There is so much more out there that we have yet to discover; let us no longer allow our love to be hindered by our unwillingness to engage in the richness of the diversity that God has bestowed upon us. Instead, let us show the world God's love by embrassing our differences and allowing that love to transend them; unitifing us as one Body in Christ.

Let the greater Body and the world see us the way we are to be called:

Fuller Theological Seminary....a University.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Unqualified Participant

I'm about to start the 5th week of school and I haven't said a word in at least two of my classes.
Is this normal?
Not for me, typically. But lately I find that I have reverted back to that very shy little girl in middle school. I sit in my classroom and don't say a word. I don't know, I guess I just feel unqualified to partake in the conversation. I mean, I don't know any of the stuff the teachers or other students are talking about. I'm still trying to follow the conversation. But if that's the case, then why is it that when another student answers a question or if the teacher gives the answer, its always the exact same thing I was thinking. And even if it wasn't, there's nothing wrong with sharing my point of view...right?

Then why is it that I feel so unqualified? For some reason, my confidence was sucked out of me the first week of school and has yet to return. I never realized just how afraid I was of being wrong. Didn't notice just how hard on myself I am to "get it right." I have to come to terms with the fact that my time here isn't just about getting a high enough GPA for my PhD program. I have to realize that getting it wrong is apart of the process, and not being afraid to ask those questions, or make those observations, or to take a shot in the dark about a topic is OK. That I'm not being judged with fire and brimstone when I raise my hand. That maybe my voice and perspective needs to be heard and that by keeping silent, I'm actually doing my classmates and teachers a disservice in the conversation. 

Lord, I thank You for placing me here and giving me the opportunity to embark on such a journey. Forgive me for not believing in what You have placed in me. I'll admit; it's hard, and I don't feel qualified to be here. But I also know that you placed me here for a reason and that means that there is a place for me at this table of conversation. Forgive me for not believing it. Help my unbelief. There is nothing I want more than to be able to express your truths in a way that people's lives are changed. Help me to get to that place, and to realize just how far I've come...

Monday, April 18, 2011

Divided by Homosexuality

I just came back from a panel discussion entitled, "Divided by Homosexuality" where we engaged in dialogue about homosexuality in the context of ministry. I really didn't think to write a blog about this but as we were talking on the way home my friend said, "I can't wait to read your blog. I know you're gonna write a blog about this." And here we are...

Sigh...where to begin....

I think I left the conversation feeling very torn. For several reasons. First let me say that I thought it was a great discussion; it was well organized, started on time, no one got hurt so I'd say it was a pretty good night. But I feel a bit underrepresented in the discussion. This is where I have a hard time trying to figure out what I want to say (no one ever said honest conversation was easy that's for sure). So I guess I will just start out with being honest:

I feel that homosexuality is a sin.
I also feel that as a Christian, I am called to love people with the love of God, regardless of where they may be in life, and I am still trying to figure out how to do that. How do I, as a leader in my church, figure out how to really walk with people and love people yet still be real to my convictions?  I say I felt underrepresented because I don't know if that question was addressed really. I don't know, maybe I missed it, but I felt that the perspective was overwhelmingly inclusive.

There was a few points in the discussion that really stood out to me:

There was an Indian woman (from India) who made an interesting and relevant comment that wasn't addressed at all. This is what she said (from what I can remember):


I'm a former Hindu who is now a Christian and in the Indian Christian community, American Christianity is the standard. No one buys a book from an Indian author but if a book is written in American (like Purpose Driven Life) they are reading it the next morning. I fear that the people in India will see what's going on over here with the rise of homosexual bishops and this "acceptance" of homosexuality in leadership and do the same thing.

This raised several questions for me. I have a sense of how influential American culture is to the rest of the world but had no clue how much it transcended in our religious culture. Is this just the case in India? Or do other church communities in other countries model their church after us?  If this is the case then I am also afraid. But beyond that I am sad. I am sad because people of India feel that the "American God" is superior to the "Indian God." I think that mindset strips the people of being able to experience God in their culture. Yes, God has a purpose for His entire church body; but what God wants to do in India isn't exactly the same thing He wants to do in America. Or China. Or Haiti. It's what our apostle calls University: unity within diversity. That God can take all of us, in the unique way He made each of us, and bring us together as one. If we really understood the beauty in our diversity then we would see what a true miracle that is.

sorry, sidenote...back to the topic at hand....

I think the reason I was so torn is because I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in this discussion (story of my life). There was one point in the discussion where they talked about ambiguity. I don't generally see anything wrong with ambiguity but I fear being at the end of either side of the spectrum. I don't want to just be like "there's just too much to God, so lets just park right here and be happy with what we have" but I also don't want to be shooting in the dark, striving to find some light that you know you will never obtain. I don't know. I guess I don't know what I feel about ambiguity. Guess you could say I'm ambiguous about my ambiguity. I know I know, the whole point of this panel is to encourage dialogue (and I totally agree that that is something that needs to take place). I feel that dialogue is great; but if  ambiguity is my only theme then what's the use of conversation?

So, in conclusion, I say all of this to say I DON'T KNOW. I know what I feel in my conviction that homosexuality is a sin. I still learning how to genuinely love people with the love of God in the midst of that. Is it possible? I hope so.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

An Unhurried Day with Jesus

Today I went on the quarterly prayer retreat at Fuller. I had an amazing time. I just wanted to share what I wrote during that time and hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me.

I have so much to say, but I am in no hurry to speak.
For I am in awe at the works of your hands.
The bees and lizards surround me, yet I am not afraid,
cause for the first time I can say that they are beautiful.

Nothing compares to you.
For I have never known such beauty.
Surely this must be the work of a true and living God.
You have shown me true beauty this day and I am honored to know it.

Who am I that you are mindful of me?
That you can know such beauty and still choose to allow me to have dominion.
I am humbled to be called your child.
What love is this where one would create such things with me in mind.
Thank you for loving me.

The trees grow, the flowers blossom and are not afraid.
The birds roam proudly without a care in the world.
It is this undisturbed connection to you that draws me to repentance.
If they can be everything you have called them to be without doubt
than surely I can do the same.

Birds don't have identity crisis.
Flowers don't question their time to bloom.
They become what you have called, unrestricted by doubt.
Lord, I thank you for the free will you have given me,
yet I choose you.

I chose to be exactly what you have called; to blossom in my time.
Help me to be like the birds and flowers and trees you created;
unashamed to be exactly as you have made me.

Even when I have been lead astray by my own rebellion into captivity;
you, by your loving grace and mercy, carry me away to the land of promise.
I will search for you God, in the midst of my exile
and I will find you; with all my heart.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place which I cause you to be carried away captive. (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Eternal Rantings of a Sleepless Mind Part I

I would like to start this blog by saying, "Tommy, this is all your fault."

OK, now that's out of the way...

I can't sleep.

Again...

I don't know if you do this or not but sometimes when I can't sleep I read the "begot passages" of the bible. You know the ones....Abraham begot Issac, Issac begot Jacob, and so on. It usually goes like this...

Abraham begot Issac, Issac begot Jacob, Jacob begot zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

And I'm out like a light.

Well, that no longer works. It's the third week of school and these classes messed up my sleeping devices (although the TV still works like a charm). Instead of drifting off to sleep around the forth or fifth generation, I'm now wide awake going, "what does this contribute to the story?" "What is the significance of this and how does it set up the story of Jesus? What does it reveal about Him and why?"

I mean, really?

I must confess: my name is Tamisha Tyler, I'm a seminary student and I don't read the bible. OK, that sounds bad...It's not that I don't read the bible; but I don't READ THE BIBLE. Usually I would read the bible out of obligation: I'd read on Sunday at church, try to read something about the bible during the week so I don't feel bad, and I hope that all of those lessons I learned throughout my life would suffice. Sometimes, I would see my bible on the shelf and catch a little glimpse of dust on it and feel bad. So I would grab it and read a "pity verse." Now don't get me wrong, I love reading. I am usually the one with a book in her hand whenever you see her; always have been. But I never felt connected to the bible like I've been connected to say my favorite novel.

Then, for some odd reason, God put me in New Testament: Gospels with Tommy Givens.

After my first week of class; my brain hurt.

Tommy (in the nicest way possible mind you) completely ripped me a new one! I couldn't believe it! Everything I thought I knew was thrown out the window. Now I know how those guests on  that Style Makeover show feel when the host takes all of their horrible attire and throws it out. "But I love that!" "No, not my favorite sweater!" That was me, feeling separation anxiety from my own comfortable theology. But alas, not all is lost! New wine deserves new wine skins! And I needed a makeover; fast.

I could go into detail, but I will spare myself the painful memories and just get to the bottom line:

There is soooooo much more in reading the bible then I could have ever imagined!

He mentioned something during that first week of class that really stuck with me.


Most of us read the story of Jesus, yet we already have a picture of what Jesus looks like when we read. We read the story with the story already figured out. 

That's when things started clicking. How often during my times of reading the Word did I already assume that I knew what was being said? My attitude was one of, "there's nothing new really, I've been hearing it for so long, I think I get it now." But if there's one thing I've discovered is that practice doesn't make perfect; it makes permanent!

Now before you start throwing stones, lets back up a minute. I'm not saying that the things I've learned were wrong and unhelpful, quite the contrary. I just believe that there is more to it than what I thought there was. It's kind of hard to explain, so picture it like this:

Say our concept of Jesus was a jigsaw puzzle (just roll with me here). Most of us come to the Word of God with the puzzle already complete, and we try to use the word to fill in the gaping holes and cracks that exist in-between the pieces we've put together. Again, that was me. Everything I thought about God, Jesus, His Word, my part in it and how it all connected were pieces that I'd already figured out. I mean after all, I DID get accepted into Seminary. I figured that had to count for something. So to me, reading the bible was like reading a book for the 100th time.

Oh how wrong I was.


God did not want me to come to him with it all figured out. He wasn't looking to fill in the gaps of what I thought I had together.

He wanted my broken pieces.

Everything that I learned, everything that I am, everything that I went through; I couldn't separate myself from them. But God was willing to take all of those broken pieces and through the revelation of his word, put them together to create a true picture of Jesus. Yes, that does include some pieces being moved and some even being discarded, but the picture it created is more than I could ever begin to imagine. Not only that, but he placed me within a people, a history and a community with just as many pieces.

So now think about that Jigsaw puzzle, with millions of pieces. Sounds pretty impossible right? But you know the feeling you get when you start putting pieces together and you start to see an image, that excitement you get in the midst of the discovery. That's the feeling I now get when I read His Word. That I get to participate in a jigsaw puzzle that people have been working on throughout history. And each time I read, I get a new glimpse of what Jesus looks like.

I sent this in an email and I can only hope I somewhat grasped this concept. 

The Word of God should be read as being within our culture, being shaped within the traditions and customs of those that were before us (namely the people of Israel), and is also transcendent of our culture, shaping the very perspectives and traditions that have shaped the way we view the Word. That instead of allowing our preconceived notions to judge the word, we should look through the eyes of the very traditions that were shaped by the word and allow our notions to be judged by the word; either fortifying or adapting our current views into the traditions that the generations to follow will view the word through. This speaks to the very nature of the Living Word.

So, that's why I can't sleep.

 Thanks a lot Tommy.

Tamisha A. Tyler

P.S. Feel free to post comments or questions; conversation is always encouraged here.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

What is Honest Conversation?

About a week and a half ago, I begin studies at Fuller Theological Seminary in hopes to obtain my degree and take one step closer towards becoming a professor. During my first week, I attended the weekly chapel and was blessed by the President of the School, Richard J. Mouw. His sermon, which talked about prayer, included five principles (or attributes rather) that we should ascribe to our prayer life. One of those points was Honest Conversation.

Essentially, President Mouw encouraged us to not hide anything from God in prayer, for He knows what we pray even before we form the words, but instead we should engage in honest conversation and allow our vulnerability and openness to the dealings of God be our foundation for growth.  I really began to take that to heart. At that moment, I was greatly conflicted with my decision to attend Fuller, mostly deriving from a lack of confidence; formed by being placed in the midst of ideals unbeknownst to me. I constantly questioned myself; and dealt with feelings of being vastly under-qualified; even after already being accepted (but that usually NEVER HAPPENS, what do I look like; human?). I questioned my place in an overwhelming community of theological mindsets; creative talents and philosophical ideals. The only thing that I was sure of was that I was there, sitting in that chair, listening to a man whose been down a road that I was beginning to engage tell me that the only thing I needed to be was honest with God.

Now I must admit; I'm a pretty honest person as far as I am aware. When it comes to conversations with God, I have no problem expressing how I feel. But I have learned that being honest with God is a lot more than just "telling it like it is." I realized this past week that sharing my true feelings with God and not holding back means nothing if I am unwilling to listen. That's the point of Honest CONVERSATION. It's easy for us to express how we really feel or say what we really mean, but how easy is it for us to listen to how what we say SOUNDS TO GOD? It's one thing to say; "God, I really feel out of place here, unprepared to take on what's in front of me" and another thing to realize that you actually said, "God, you didnt make the right decision by placing me here, this is not your will for me."

Now, I am not saying that we should fear speaking out in honesty towards God because we feel he's going to hear our lack of faith; but how many of us are ready to admit that most of the time that is the case. At least it was for me. Now, God did not condemn my honesty about how I felt; in fact he encourages it. He understands the inner dealings of my heart more than I do or ever will. Not only does he know, but he KNEW. He already knew that I would have these issues and already prepared the way for my deliverance from myself. He knew that there was something more important than feeling better about being honest; that being honest with him opened the door for him to reveal his true self to me. That regardless of the state I found myself; if I presented myself naked before him that he would reveal his truth to me.

So, what is this blog about exactly?

Honest Conversation.

This is a place for me to, in a way, write myself out of something...anything...everything, while I am at Fuller. I don't expect anyone to read it, but I highly recommend it. I hope you are not too offended by my honesty, but on the contrary, engage in the conversations. It is my quest to be as honest as possible, with God and with you (the reader), in hopes that I might get a glimpse at another side of the True and Living God and in doing so, catch a truthful glimpse of myself.

In as much truth as I can muster,
Tamisha A Tyler