The Process of Believing

How do we begin to believe in something? I find myself asking that question far too often nowadays. See, the thing is: I don't believe in myself. I don't believe I am what people say that I am or who God says that I am for that matter. I believe that when people give me a complement or says something about my character, that they are truly genuine. I believe that they believe what they are saying. I just don't believe it.
I have writer's block...again. I'm trying to write this article (which shouldn't be that hard) and I find myself having the hardest time. It's not that I'm not excited about what I'm writing about, or that I don't have enough information about the topic, I just don't believe that what I produce is good enough.
I found that I have to have a really serious talk with myself....and God. Why is it that I don't believe? How can I say that I believe in God and all that He says and does, but I don't believe in who He created me to be? How is it that I see so much in other people and have such a strong desire for them to be all that they can be, but I don't believe that I can have that same accomplishment?
The Bible says that the two greatest commandments are to "love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. And to love your neighbor as YOURSELF." How can I feel love for my neighbor but not for myself? How can I say I actually have received God's love when I can't love myself?
I need to start believing again. I need to get to that place where I believe that I can do everything that God has called me to do. No more pretending. No more "fake it to you make it." I want to actually know that I know that I know, you know?
So...what is the process of believing? How do we begin to believe in something? Is it the fact that we've known it for so long that we just take it as truth? Or do we need to see it with our own eyes? Is there some kind of supernatural encounter that sparks our belief or is it like a seed that is sown and grows over time? How did I start believing in God? Cause I feel like He has always been, even though I didn't always believe. What causes me to believe in someone else, to see beyond the faults at what is beneath the surface? And how far do I have to dig to find that for myself? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not entirely sure of anything anymore. I could always stand in front of the mirror and recite the "I am loved, and beautiful and so on" bit, but will that make me believe it?

P.S. I'm getting tired of ranting on this blog about nothing. But it seems to be the only way I can write anything. Sigh...I need some breakthrough.

Trapped...

Have you ever felt like you were in a creative bubble, and you just couldn't create anything? Nothing you attempted was good enough, and you find yourself taking one step forward and three steps back? That's pretty much how I feel now. It's funny, this is the first time in my life that I've actually been vocal about my being an "artist" and wanting to really create and not run away from it. The only problem is that I just can't seem to create anything. I sit and stare at a blank screen or page for a while then realize that it's just a waste of time. As a matter of fact, I am fighting the temptation of just deleting this entire blog, cause for some reason I don't feel like it's good enough.

I don't know what this all means. I want to express myself creatively but I just feel stuck. This has been a huge transition for me and when I finally get to the point where I think I'm ready to step out, I can't produce. Here I am sitting in the midst of worship and I feel....trapped. I'm frustrated because I don't want to feel this way anymore. This whole "creative block" is nothing new, but I feel for the first time that I just want to be free enough and brave enough to express what I know is on the inside. For so long, I've been afraid of letting it out, now when I finally get brave enough to step out, I can't.

Someone asked if I was a singer today. I said yes. They said sing something, and I froze. I couldn't think of a single thing to sing. And I felt so disappointed in myself because for the first time in a long time, I want to pursue music more than ever. Yesterday I went to a friend's birthday party and he asked if I could do a poem. When he asked (a few weeks prior) I was so excited to participate. But by the time the birthday party came, I had nothing. And as I sat and watched my super talented friends be able to freely share their gifts, I wished I could do the same.

I don't know how to break out of this. I don't know what needs to kick or spark to get me going again. But it kind of sucks for a person to finally get to a place where they can say that they are an artist and not be able to create any art. What kind of artist can't create art? I can feel myself doubting again and I'm trying my best to hold on from slipping back into that fearful place but if I don't get a breakthrough soon, I don't know what will happen.....


That is all for now....

A Tired Spirit and a Broken Soul

This is honest conversation so I'll confess this now:

I'm crying as I write this.

So much so that there will be plenty of typos for me to correct after I'm done. But at this point there is nothing else to do but write.

And for those of you who would ask; no I'm not OK.

I'm tired. And extremely broken.

I made the decision to leave my current church and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For one, I have such a heart for the people there that I couldn't imagine walking away from them. But I had to, or else I wouldn't have survived. There was so much pressure on me that I just couldn't take it anymore. Even after they "re-leaved me of my duties" (I was either hands on or on leadership of almost every ministry; except Men's ministry) there was still the pressure and expectation to be "on" (praying, prophesying, praise and worship, intercessor, etc) and I just couldn't do it. There was just so much going on that I completely broke down. When I told my pastor I was leaving; he completely disagreed, said it was not God's will and in fact was diabolical.

Honestly, I don't even care to get into the details of it. I was extremely hurt by his reaction but not surprised. The whole conversation and "reasoning" behind why I was leaving became about him and not about me. I would say that I've never felt so belittled, but that would be a lie.How many times have I joined churches, eager to help the ministry, only to be worked to near death and than ridiculed for wanting to leave. Now granted, this isn't the way I wanted this to happen. But I couldn't take it anymore! I was dying inside...the pressure was killing me and stress was taking over my body. I know of Pastors who want to talk about how pressure is necessary and how pressure makes the coal into diamond (I've even been guilty of saying that) but lack of sleep,daily migraines, anxiety attacks and lack of focus does not lend itself to be a process of God.  I just needed space; and I felt like I was suffocating and there was no way out.

There is way more to this situation, but it is just too deep for me to type. but I can say that I never realized just how broken and tired I was until I stopped. I went to service with a friend this past Sunday and felt like I was going to pass out from spiritual exhaustion. It was there that those last few pieces that were held together by duty began to fall apart. At that point, I was nothing. After the service I went to the guest reception to greet the pastor and immediately I started hearing about their different ministries and small groups and things I might be interested in and I was like "I'm just visiting!" Why is it that we treat people like recruits for a pyramid scheme? "Oh look, you look like you have potential. Why don't you do this or this or that and get a few other people in while you're at it and maybe your status will go up." What ever happened to asking me about me? "How are you? Is there anything I can do to pray for you today?" What ever happened to getting to know people, not for the sake of what they can do for you or the ministry, but just because they are important enough to know? Right now I feel like what I can do is more valuable than who I am to some people. This makes me not want to be apart of church leadership anymore. Right now, I'm even afraid of visiting for fear that I will be bombarded again.

Don't ask me what I can do of what I have to offer cause I just don't have it. I don't remember the last time i was asked how are you by someone who really wanted to know. "I'm not OK. I'm broken and tired and just need a hug and a ear and some extra love and lots of rest and room to grow." I don't know where I am in terms of ministry. I know I don't want to do church leadership for a while. I feel so broken right now that I don't know if I will ever be at a place to give. But I know that I will get there eventually. Maybe. I know that the only place that I feel comfortable to do nothing is at Fuller. When I'm at school, I have the choice not to do something. I don't have to do everything, nor do I have to know how. It's OK if I mess up or don't fully understand something. No one expects me to be "on" all the time. That's the freedom I need in order to grow.

I'm not perfect.

I'm not perfect
(period)
and I still don't know what that means.

Cause I've always been taught
that I'm not perfect
(comma)
but I'm striving for perfection.

but in that striving
is the constant need of progression
that if this time isn't better than last time
then I've failed in that progression

who fails in progression?

"be ye perfect for I am perfect"
"we all fall short of the glory..."

I don't know if I should "fall" or "be"

I think I'm somewhere in between

All my life
I've always been the one who "can do everything"

I never realized how disjointed I've become

I've done so much of
"learning from the past"
and
"planning for the future"
that I have no clue what to do "right now"

who am I...right now

can I deal with my imperfections....right now
can I be OK with them...right now

maybe I've become so obsessed with being perfect that I fail to enjoy being me.

because I'm not perfect
(period)
and I still don't know what that means

untitled

God, why do I feel so inadequate? Why am I so afraid to be who I am? Besides the fact that I don’t know who that is… It’s funny, when I really think about it; fear has always been my strongest and most dependable emotion. In a sense, it has become my adrenaline. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to separate who I am from being afraid. It’s not like I don’t have anything to say, but for the first time in a long time; I don’t know how to say it. I feel like every question I have is a stupid question and every answer isn’t a good enough answer and every comment doesn’t really contribute anything to the conversation. But what’s worse; I know that that way of thinking is wrong. I am fully “aware” that there is no truth to that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to walk out. I have become silenced by my own reality and how I see myself. 

God, I feel trapped. On one hand, there are so many ideas and concepts to explore about Theology and Culture and the Bible and Church and a million other things; and I get so excited about them. But my fear then becomes the fact that no matter how much research I do, or how many papers or articles I write, that I will never be able to come to a conclusion worthy of sharing amongst peers and especially not among professors. That no matter how many A’s I get; they will never be enough to qualify me. Maybe that’s why writing has become my first language. Maybe communicating through writing is my way of separating myself from anything “wrong.” Maybe it’s my way of dodging the looks on people’s faces when they don’t agree, or when I’m not making any sense, or when I stick my foot in my mouth. I know that none of this is true (in who you have called me to be) but it’s how I feel. How am I supposed to accomplish anything feeling and living this way?

Crapping in Public Places

This brings 'Honest Conversation' to a whole other level. This is not an article for the weak of stomach but I am going somewhere with this so please bare with me (I promise no pictures).

How many of us feel free to "crap in public places?"

I know I know, TMI. But allow me to use this metaphor in relation to church.

As a kid, I would always dread being out with family and friends and having to "go number 2" while we were out in public. For one, I would always get teased by my brothers and sisters. "Ewww, you're nasty!" "Can't you just wait till we get home?" The urge to "go number 2" in public was seen as a bad thing; an inconvenience. It took too long, and other people had to "deal" with it. It would be better for me to just "hold it in" until I got home and handled it in private.

(can you relate yet?)

I must admit, I was a bit traumatized by this. I found myself "holding it in" more often than not, and when I did manage to go, I felt ashamed for doing so. I dreaded those footsteps of someone entering the restroom before I left, and when they entered and were clearly disgruntled, I was quick to confess in some way "it wasn't me."

(how about now?)

As I got older, I realized how stupid my thoughts were. If people had to "go number 2" in a public restroom then why shouldn't they? Isn't that what its for? If it wasn't meant for people to go then why would they have the stalls to do so? Yes, it wasn't the nicest smelling thing in the world but do we really expect people to "hold it in" because we don't want to be inconvenienced for a moment?

(come on, you gotta connect some dots here)

Hopefully by now you were able to see where I am going with this. What if "crapping in public places" wasn't necessarily going to the bathroom but revealing a part of myself that wasn't so "Christian" to those in the church? Are there any relations between my fears of relieving myself in public to revealing myself in the church?

I think so.

If I may; allow me to "retell" my story in this context:

Being a new Christian, I always dreaded being with brothers and sisters in Christ and having the need to discuss things in my life that were considered "sinful" in church. For one, I would always get teased by my brothers and sisters, "You did what? I cant believe it!" "Isn't this something you should discuss in private?" The urge to speak on the things frowned upon in the church was considered a bad thing; an inconvenience. It took too long to sort out, and other people had to "deal" with it. It would be better for me to wait till I got home; these are things that should be handled in private.

(...)

I must admit, I was a bit traumatized by this. I found myself keeping silent more often than not, and when I did manage to speak on these things; I was ashamed for doing so. I dreaded the wrong person hearing about my "issues." When someone did hear it and was clearly offended, I was quick to separate myself from the issue: "I'm not talking about me, it's for a friend..."

(and again I say ...)

As I got older, I realized how stupid my thoughts were. If people need to talk about the "crap" in their lives in order to help them in their healing process then why shouldn't they? Isn't that what church is for? If it wasn't meant for people to go then why would they have the ministries to assist in this process? Yes, it wasn't the most "Christian" thing in the world but do we really expect people to remain silent about what ails them because we don't want to be inconvenienced for a moment? Are we not called to walk with people in this regard?

(things that make you go hmmmm...)

Comments?

The Gospel of the Artist

This blog is inspired by a presentation from Christopher Slatoff, an accomplished sculptor, on the perspective of the gospels through the eyes of an artist.

The gospel of the artist is an extremely important view of the gospel that I feel is just as marginalized as those who view the gospel through the lens of their gender, cultural, economical, or geographical backgrounds. I say this not to diminish or devalue the importance of those views, but rather to put a perspective on how the body of Christ views those who choose to reveal the Gospel through creative expression. The reason for writing this is not simply because I am a performance artist myself, but because I was so impacted by Mr. Slatoff's presentation and thus felt the need to speak, hoping that somehow my words will allow those who have yet to experience the chance to truly receive the revelation of Christ through art an opportunity to do so.

I see Mr. Slatoff's sculpture every time I'm on campus, yet I see something different every time. Once, I was walking out of class (I don't even really remember where I was going exactly) and as I passed the sculpture, I saw something that struck me to the core: I saw fear in the face of Jesus. I was so taken back that I stopped in my tracks. Surely I must be wrong; Jesus wasn't afraid of anything; He's Jesus! Every lesson of Jesus' fearless journey to the cross that I've ever heard came to my remembrance and I felt condemned for even thinking that Jesus could feel that way. But then I remembered Jesus at Gethsemane. How much He prayed "not my will but thy will."  Wait...Jesus had a will? He struggled with laying his down too? It was then that I realized why I saw what I saw: I was afraid. I was scared of going through the death process of letting what I thought I knew go. Yet here was Jesus, sharing my pain and achieving what I never thought I could do in and of my own power. Here was the good news in front of me, clear as day. Not only did Jesus understand where I was, not only did He know the way out, He was the way out! It was in that moment that Jesus met me in my fearful place with the good news. It was the gospel that I needed to hear, and it was done through art.

I wonder how many people pass by this piece of art and simply admire it for it's incredible level of artistic skill. I wonder how many people simply look at this work as someone who took their gift of art and only used it to honor God. It often amazes me how quick we are to limit the voice of creative expression. "Aw, that's nice, they're using their gift for God's glory." Again, I'm not saying this isn't the case, but how often do we simply use this one-sided mindset and rob ourselves of the gospel that is being presented to us through this expression? Artists don't make pieces to present to God for his approval. When an artist makes something, sings something, writes something, they are speaking to whoever will read or listen or see it. They are telling a story, usually their own. In the case of the sculpture, Mr. Slatoff is sharing his view of the gospel. He is speaking; preaching even! Shall we negate the truths being spoken simply because he is not behind a pulpit? God forbid!

In our New Testament: Gospels class (where the presentation was given) we learn that the gospels weren't written to simply satisfy our quest for a historical Jesus, but to express a truth about Him, to create a picture of who Jesus really is so that we might believe. John makes this evident at the end of his gospel when he states:

Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name  (John 20: 30-31)

 To me, looking at the gospels is almost like looking at an incredible piece of art. When you look at a piece of art, (take the sculpture for example) it is obvious that there are clear, evident things happening within that piece (no one is going to walk up to the piece and say, 'look, someone shot Jesus'). Likewise, there are clear threads and events that are evident within the four gospels. However, there are also glimpses we get of art that are unique to every individual, based on their own experiences and perspectives. For me, it is also the same with the Gospels. Each gospel presents something different about Jesus and contributes a different piece to the puzzle (as illustrated in the blog "Eternal Rantings of a Sleepless Mind"). Through their gospels, we get a different glimpse of Jesus. It is when these pictures are placed together that we get a true feel for the depth of the gospel and a different light is shined on who Jesus truly is, the fulfillment of the promise to the people of Israel, and the redemption of the world.

Furthermore, I would like to argue that the church's blindness to the tremendous value of the gospel though creative expression only robs us of our chance to relate to God in the same way that we first encounter him; as Creator. In the beginning, God created... it is our obsession with our own intellect that steers us from the richness of art and it's ability to reveal God to us. If we are not stripping it of it's value in our education, our churches, or our concept of it being "purely entertainment," we are demonizing it, making it something far from God and thus a sin. I encourage schools and churches for embracing the arts as means of ministry and only hope that it can be viewed in a way that captures all of our senses, our learning abilities, and our hearts; leaving us completely open to receive what God has for us.

I would also like to add that the concept of revealing God's word through art speaks to the Gospel of John that states, "and the word became flesh and lived among us..." (John 1:14). It amazes me just how much of God's word I can see expressed in Mr. Slatoff's sculpture.

My hope is that we are able to allow the body of Christ the opportunity to experience God through creative means and likewise allow those with creative gifts to feel no shame in expressing them. That the church might be able to see God in a new way; meeting him in the beginning and walking in the image and likeness he had in mind for us when he stated, "Let there be light."