So, today is the last day that I can say I am 28 years old.
I don't know what to say about that. One one hand, I'm glad to be getting older; on the other hand....I'm getting older! The response that I've been getting has been quite funny actually. People who are older than me feel compelled to tell me what happens when I am to hit whatever age they declare as "downhill"
"You probly won't be able to drink coffee after 35...it all goes downhill from there"
"My eyes went when I was 40 so enjoy it while it lasts"
Then there are those younger than me who feel compelled to remind me of my youthfullness...
"what! 29? I thought you were in your early 20's"
"you exude youthfullness!"
Is this what happens when you get close to 30? That limbo where young people think you're old and old people think you're young? Where does that leave me? I can see why people go through mid or quarter life crisis! Geesh!
Going from 28 to 29 is, well...kinda weird. It's like one of those ages that doesn't really count; just gets you one step closer to 30.....30, the age where everyone starts to question why you are not married, don't have kids...you know the "what the hell are you doing with your life" questions. (I am soooo looking forward to those!) And though I'm not in a rush to do either of those things, because our culture tells us that it must be done...people will ask. And I will tell them "when I get good and ready to! Besides, unless you are going to pay for the wedding, diapers, bottles, college tuition...not to mention the marital counseling that will result from two people being pressured into getting married because society tells them that there's no better time than now, even though they are not ready...then you can pick whatever date you wish!" That should scare em off for a while ;)
But in all seriousness.....I'm looking forward to 29. It seems to have a bit of sophistication to it, yet is still young enough to have a lil fun! Mostly, (and sad to say) I'm looking forward to leaving 28 behind. Its been a long year. And though I know that I've learned a lot this year, I'd much rather just take my lessons and leave the drama behind (thank you very much). I am praying that 29 will be very different than 28. But, nevertheless, I'm hoping to enjoy this last day and go out of this year with style!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Voices in my head
Great. Now that I have your attention.
I'm not crazy...
Well, that's not entirely true, but who's counting?
I'm only writing because I can't seem to focus. This quarter has been really hard on me. I find myself frustrated more often (as is the reason for my previous posts) and have been trying to figure out why. Well I think I know at least a part of it.
It's the voices in my head.
Now, now; lets not get carried away. I do not have voices telling me to do crazy things. What I mean by this is all of the negitivity that I've come against has had a way of eating away at my confidence. Allow me to explain:
I wrote an article for the SEMI about my experience with spiritual abuse this summer. In a nutshell, someone tried to place impossible expectations on me and when I stopped allowing it, they figured it was because I was "out of the will of God." As easy as it was just to re-tell my story; it was hard to write. I had to realize that this article was only a small piece of the discouragement that I've encountered. I didn't realize how much affect it had on me. But as I sit here trying to answer questions in my New Testament class, or write exegitical papers or even read the assigned reading, I realize that those words are still there.
It's really hard to ask questions when no one seems to think they're important enough to answer properly. It's also hard to give your opinion when your opinion has always been disregarded. I remember when I first expressed that I thought I wanted to be a "minister." Instead of encouragement, I got a lecture on what it really means to be "called." In other words; you may think you are, but you are not. Here's another example:
Deacon: what do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: I want to be a writer
Deacon: Well, how are you going to make money?
Me: uh...I'm going to be a writer
Deacon: oh, you just think you are going to get by because you are cute huh?
Me: ....
Eventually I started to internalize the "you are not good enough" language well enough to speak it on my own. Now instead of others telling me I'm not good enough, I just continue to play those stories and others like broken records in my head. When I'm not playing those, I'm playing the ones that say "you have to be the best." or "you need to be better than everyone, even your teachers."
You can only imagine the stress this can create. It's a lose-lose situation. And for some reason, I find that I deal with these voices more often as of late. Why, I'm not sure. But I am praying for those glimpses of soberness to last long enough so that I can at least get some work done.
Eventually, I know I am going to have to learn how to silence those voices of negativity and to embrace who God has truly called me to be. I can only hope that it happens soon...
I'm not crazy...
Well, that's not entirely true, but who's counting?
I'm only writing because I can't seem to focus. This quarter has been really hard on me. I find myself frustrated more often (as is the reason for my previous posts) and have been trying to figure out why. Well I think I know at least a part of it.
It's the voices in my head.
Now, now; lets not get carried away. I do not have voices telling me to do crazy things. What I mean by this is all of the negitivity that I've come against has had a way of eating away at my confidence. Allow me to explain:
I wrote an article for the SEMI about my experience with spiritual abuse this summer. In a nutshell, someone tried to place impossible expectations on me and when I stopped allowing it, they figured it was because I was "out of the will of God." As easy as it was just to re-tell my story; it was hard to write. I had to realize that this article was only a small piece of the discouragement that I've encountered. I didn't realize how much affect it had on me. But as I sit here trying to answer questions in my New Testament class, or write exegitical papers or even read the assigned reading, I realize that those words are still there.
It's really hard to ask questions when no one seems to think they're important enough to answer properly. It's also hard to give your opinion when your opinion has always been disregarded. I remember when I first expressed that I thought I wanted to be a "minister." Instead of encouragement, I got a lecture on what it really means to be "called." In other words; you may think you are, but you are not. Here's another example:
Deacon: what do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: I want to be a writer
Deacon: Well, how are you going to make money?
Me: uh...I'm going to be a writer
Deacon: oh, you just think you are going to get by because you are cute huh?
Me: ....
Eventually I started to internalize the "you are not good enough" language well enough to speak it on my own. Now instead of others telling me I'm not good enough, I just continue to play those stories and others like broken records in my head. When I'm not playing those, I'm playing the ones that say "you have to be the best." or "you need to be better than everyone, even your teachers."
You can only imagine the stress this can create. It's a lose-lose situation. And for some reason, I find that I deal with these voices more often as of late. Why, I'm not sure. But I am praying for those glimpses of soberness to last long enough so that I can at least get some work done.
Eventually, I know I am going to have to learn how to silence those voices of negativity and to embrace who God has truly called me to be. I can only hope that it happens soon...
Saturday, October 15, 2011
My dream
OK so last night I had this dream that I can't seem to figure out. Normally, I never remember my dreams so when I do remember one (and with some detail) I always pay attention.
I'm not sure where the dream starts but I'm in a diner and I'm at a table with my 5-year old self. Now, I'm not sure how I know that this 5 year old is me, but I do. She (or I rather, or mini-me?) is sitting at the table with a laptop. She is telling me how she always wanted to go to seminary, mostly because she had a dream of a woman in seminary (not sure who, but I remember she was white, and her last name started with a K) who either told her she needed to go to seminary or something like that. The woman mini-me had a dream about was indeed someone I knew as my adult self (or I knew in the dream).
I told my 5-year old self not to give up on her dream to go to seminary or that woman, because it was going to come true (because in the dream I was in seminary and had a relationship with this woman). I told mini-me not to let anyone take away her dream, no matter how hard they tried, cause it was going to come true.
Then a woman walked into the diner to pick mini-me up. I took one look at the woman and started to cry. I realized the woman was my mother. I was crying because (in the dream) my mother died when I was a child and to see her now was overwhelming. She didn't seem to notice me though. It was then that I realized that I was in the diner but I actually wasn't (if that makes sense). I then also realized that I wasn't alone; there was a friend with me (a female friend).
Now, this dream is weird for several reasons:
1. I don't recall ever wanting to go to seminary when I was 5 or having any dreams about it
2. I have no clue who the woman with the last name that starts with a K is.
3. The "mother" in the dream was not my real mother (I think she was some actress in a TV show I saw the other night)
4. My real mother is still alive (thank God)
So...I have no idea what this dream could mean. I feel like I'm supposed to remember it for some reason but I have no clue why....it just makes no sense.
I'm not sure where the dream starts but I'm in a diner and I'm at a table with my 5-year old self. Now, I'm not sure how I know that this 5 year old is me, but I do. She (or I rather, or mini-me?) is sitting at the table with a laptop. She is telling me how she always wanted to go to seminary, mostly because she had a dream of a woman in seminary (not sure who, but I remember she was white, and her last name started with a K) who either told her she needed to go to seminary or something like that. The woman mini-me had a dream about was indeed someone I knew as my adult self (or I knew in the dream).
I told my 5-year old self not to give up on her dream to go to seminary or that woman, because it was going to come true (because in the dream I was in seminary and had a relationship with this woman). I told mini-me not to let anyone take away her dream, no matter how hard they tried, cause it was going to come true.
Then a woman walked into the diner to pick mini-me up. I took one look at the woman and started to cry. I realized the woman was my mother. I was crying because (in the dream) my mother died when I was a child and to see her now was overwhelming. She didn't seem to notice me though. It was then that I realized that I was in the diner but I actually wasn't (if that makes sense). I then also realized that I wasn't alone; there was a friend with me (a female friend).
Now, this dream is weird for several reasons:
1. I don't recall ever wanting to go to seminary when I was 5 or having any dreams about it
2. I have no clue who the woman with the last name that starts with a K is.
3. The "mother" in the dream was not my real mother (I think she was some actress in a TV show I saw the other night)
4. My real mother is still alive (thank God)
So...I have no idea what this dream could mean. I feel like I'm supposed to remember it for some reason but I have no clue why....it just makes no sense.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Human Filtration System
So...it seems as if my last blog sparked much conversation! Most of which I wasn't expecting of course, as writers never really believe people actually READ their blogs. I find it interesting that so many different conclusions were drawn from it, from my "hatred" for seminary to dropping out of school altogether. I can assure you that neither of those are my intentions or feelings. Now, granted, I said some serious stuff (that obviously struck a cord with many of you) and though I am not here to explain myself, I do want to point out what I learned from this experience.
The first bit of knowledge comes in the form of advice from a good friend of mine: "Don't sign contracts when you're happy and don't publish blogs when you're angry."
Point taken.
The other point though (and reason for this blog entry) is what I learned about the "human filtration system," that is, how people read into and take out of what I (or someone else) writes. I'm currently taking a course in Exegetical Methods (how convenient) where one of the main points is to realize what you "bring" to the reading. It is important for us to realize that we do not read anything outside of ourselves. Our experiences, families, dislikes, hobbies, thoughts, concepts, and theology all play apart in how we take in information. It also plays a part of how we process and draw conclusions from the information we take in. I thought it was very interesting how suggestions of "leaving school" or "disliking the structure of school" came from individuals who themselves shared this same viewpoint or thought. I am not saying that this is the case for every comment or conversation by any means, but it is something that was pointed out to me. I had to realize that as a writer I have no real control over what people will ultimately take from what I write. I can only be as clear as I possibly can to communicate what it is what I feel or say. And I have found this week that writing when you are high on any type of emotion does not always guarantee the best communication. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not (it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!)
Now, I can go on some tangent on how this experience caused me to struggle with reading the Word in a new way, simply because I realize from a writers prospective how things written are not always "set in stone" but (in some ways) become subject to the person doing the reading. But I think I will save that for a later blog. What I find interesting in all of this is the ability (or lack thereof) to "struggle" or to contend with things without absolutes, that is, the fight with ambiguity we often find ourselves in, and the discomfort that it brings.
Why is it that we need to hold on to absolutes? And by this I mean, why do we need to always be quick to find the answers? I find myself in the midst of a deconstruction process that I can't seem to fully articulate and yet I'm shocked to see one of two things: 1. Others who seem to have skipped this process of seminary or refuse to admit it and 2. those around me (not just at school) who wish to put a label or to clearly identify what it is that I am "going through." No, I am not dropping out of school and no, I do not have any "hatred" toward school. I actually enjoy my classes (when I'm not so frustrated that the teachers seem like they're straight out of "Charlie Brown") and I am in fact doing well in them. But that doesn't make it any easier. The fact that I seem "OK" doesn't disqualify me from the process of deconstruction of one's theology. I see it like this:
Imagine realizing that you have been spoon-fed your theology your entire life, only to be left with a strong desire for more. You are then invited to a table, yet when you sit down to a great buffet, you realize that you have no idea how to feed yourself?
That's how I feel. I find that everything I thought I knew about God was the idea of someone else (granted, our ideas and perceptions are in a way a combination of other peoples ideas, but lets not get caught up in the particulars). I feel as if the only way I can see the "God I know and serve" is through the lens of other people. I want to know God, really know Him, for myself, but I find myself ill-equipped to learn.
Seminary, in my first year of course, has a way of unveiling every God you have ever served and begs the question, "Pick one?" Well, I've realized that the gods in front of me all suck. Not that the all are just horrible, they have their good sides, but for some reason I've created gods that suit my needs and make me comfortable. Gods that fit in my form of absolutes and provide clear concise answers to my questions. Maybe in a way, that's what I expected from seminary; embracing the God that answers my questions. Instead I feel like I've been confronted with the God who asks me questions; questions I cant seem to fully understand let alone answer.
For those of you who find yourselves in the same position; keep the conversation going. There are so many students that feel the same way and have no one to talk to about it. Engage other students in the conversation, and your teachers as well. I have found (the hard way) that some teachers wish to be apart of this conversation. Don't be afraid to live without absolutes or complete answers to your questions (as Paul did) or to really say what you are feeling (as David did). Part of my reconstruction is embracing this process of deconstruction and allowing myself to, well, feel human, fragile, ill-equipped and unprepared to take on this thing called life. And to situate myself in a community of people with issues like me.
I am sure this blog makes no sense, but I am in a place where nothing really makes sense so I don't think I'll produce any sensible work anytime soon. But what I can say is that God has a way of working with things that are foolish. With that being said, I am sure He has plenty of work to do where I'm concerned.
The first bit of knowledge comes in the form of advice from a good friend of mine: "Don't sign contracts when you're happy and don't publish blogs when you're angry."
Point taken.
The other point though (and reason for this blog entry) is what I learned about the "human filtration system," that is, how people read into and take out of what I (or someone else) writes. I'm currently taking a course in Exegetical Methods (how convenient) where one of the main points is to realize what you "bring" to the reading. It is important for us to realize that we do not read anything outside of ourselves. Our experiences, families, dislikes, hobbies, thoughts, concepts, and theology all play apart in how we take in information. It also plays a part of how we process and draw conclusions from the information we take in. I thought it was very interesting how suggestions of "leaving school" or "disliking the structure of school" came from individuals who themselves shared this same viewpoint or thought. I am not saying that this is the case for every comment or conversation by any means, but it is something that was pointed out to me. I had to realize that as a writer I have no real control over what people will ultimately take from what I write. I can only be as clear as I possibly can to communicate what it is what I feel or say. And I have found this week that writing when you are high on any type of emotion does not always guarantee the best communication. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not (it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!)
Now, I can go on some tangent on how this experience caused me to struggle with reading the Word in a new way, simply because I realize from a writers prospective how things written are not always "set in stone" but (in some ways) become subject to the person doing the reading. But I think I will save that for a later blog. What I find interesting in all of this is the ability (or lack thereof) to "struggle" or to contend with things without absolutes, that is, the fight with ambiguity we often find ourselves in, and the discomfort that it brings.
Why is it that we need to hold on to absolutes? And by this I mean, why do we need to always be quick to find the answers? I find myself in the midst of a deconstruction process that I can't seem to fully articulate and yet I'm shocked to see one of two things: 1. Others who seem to have skipped this process of seminary or refuse to admit it and 2. those around me (not just at school) who wish to put a label or to clearly identify what it is that I am "going through." No, I am not dropping out of school and no, I do not have any "hatred" toward school. I actually enjoy my classes (when I'm not so frustrated that the teachers seem like they're straight out of "Charlie Brown") and I am in fact doing well in them. But that doesn't make it any easier. The fact that I seem "OK" doesn't disqualify me from the process of deconstruction of one's theology. I see it like this:
Imagine realizing that you have been spoon-fed your theology your entire life, only to be left with a strong desire for more. You are then invited to a table, yet when you sit down to a great buffet, you realize that you have no idea how to feed yourself?
That's how I feel. I find that everything I thought I knew about God was the idea of someone else (granted, our ideas and perceptions are in a way a combination of other peoples ideas, but lets not get caught up in the particulars). I feel as if the only way I can see the "God I know and serve" is through the lens of other people. I want to know God, really know Him, for myself, but I find myself ill-equipped to learn.
Seminary, in my first year of course, has a way of unveiling every God you have ever served and begs the question, "Pick one?" Well, I've realized that the gods in front of me all suck. Not that the all are just horrible, they have their good sides, but for some reason I've created gods that suit my needs and make me comfortable. Gods that fit in my form of absolutes and provide clear concise answers to my questions. Maybe in a way, that's what I expected from seminary; embracing the God that answers my questions. Instead I feel like I've been confronted with the God who asks me questions; questions I cant seem to fully understand let alone answer.
For those of you who find yourselves in the same position; keep the conversation going. There are so many students that feel the same way and have no one to talk to about it. Engage other students in the conversation, and your teachers as well. I have found (the hard way) that some teachers wish to be apart of this conversation. Don't be afraid to live without absolutes or complete answers to your questions (as Paul did) or to really say what you are feeling (as David did). Part of my reconstruction is embracing this process of deconstruction and allowing myself to, well, feel human, fragile, ill-equipped and unprepared to take on this thing called life. And to situate myself in a community of people with issues like me.
I am sure this blog makes no sense, but I am in a place where nothing really makes sense so I don't think I'll produce any sensible work anytime soon. But what I can say is that God has a way of working with things that are foolish. With that being said, I am sure He has plenty of work to do where I'm concerned.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Before the smoldering ends...
As I embark on the third week of this new quarter, I find myself becoming a little skeptical. What the hell am I doing here again? I find myself questioning everything, but having no real interest in the answer itself. I'm getting frustrated in the fact that I find myself drowning in the particulars; that is, surrounded by the "facts" and "points" of what makes up this whole "theology thing" but cant seem to see the exit to where all this stuff makes sense or will actually be of use to me. I find myself disinterested in the material presented to me (hence the reason I'm typing this blog during class) and completely detached at it's implied results (whatever those may be). Is this what seminary does to you? Strips you of your desire to know God and replaces it with facts about what other people think about God? Kills your "passion for His name" and replaces it with the principles of man? I can only hope that that is not my fate, but can't help but to notice the symptoms that lend to this diagnosis.
So what then? Do I just continue down this road and follow it to the depths of wherever it may lead? What does this "disinterest" really say about where I am right now? How do I "overcome" this and is it really worth overcoming? Granted, I would like to get something out of this, but my point for being here is nothing to do with grades (though it is a part) or knowledge (though that also is a part). I am simply a girl who made a vow to follow her God to the ends of the Earth. How that got me to seminary, I have no clue.
So, I can only hope that the passion I once had for God, His Word, His People, and all that includes will be reignited again.Cause for some reason, life has seemed to put a dampening on that fire, and I find myself "blowing smoke" in efforts to regain that passion. Maybe that passion has past, and a new passion is now required for this new season. Again, I am not sure. I can only hope that the rekindling will happen soon, before the smoldering ends...
So what then? Do I just continue down this road and follow it to the depths of wherever it may lead? What does this "disinterest" really say about where I am right now? How do I "overcome" this and is it really worth overcoming? Granted, I would like to get something out of this, but my point for being here is nothing to do with grades (though it is a part) or knowledge (though that also is a part). I am simply a girl who made a vow to follow her God to the ends of the Earth. How that got me to seminary, I have no clue.
So, I can only hope that the passion I once had for God, His Word, His People, and all that includes will be reignited again.Cause for some reason, life has seemed to put a dampening on that fire, and I find myself "blowing smoke" in efforts to regain that passion. Maybe that passion has past, and a new passion is now required for this new season. Again, I am not sure. I can only hope that the rekindling will happen soon, before the smoldering ends...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The Rising of the Prophetic Scribe Part I
"The most important thing for a writer is not their ability to write, but their ability to see."
I said that to my best friend two weeks ago after we had breakfast at a diner in North Hollywood. We usually have breakfast there, and we always take the time to catch up and talk about different things. I usually say something pretty cool and we joke about putting it on Facebook. That day was like no other. I mean, I just said it...it sounded like it made sense. It wasn't until earlier this week that I began to question it. What the heck does that mean? Ability to see? Now I can go on some tangent about how to write reality or believable stories but I am almost certain that I don't have enough "real life" to back it up yet. Besides, that's not the point. My ability to "see" as a writer has nothing to do with my physical sight, or so I found out today at church.
See, it has been spoken over my life that I am to be called into the office of a prophet. Scary huh? I think so. Last time I checked, the prophets in the bible led pretty unusual lives and well, to be honest, I'd prefer not to be the one who eats out of the mouth of birds and I'd much rather keep the clothes I have on (thank you very much). But I have come to realize that for some weird reason, God likes to use me in prophetic ways (whether I'd like it or not) and continues to draw me toward prophetic houses (whether I'd like to go or not) so if this is true then I will digress and submit to the dealings of the Father.
But there is one thing, that no matter where I go, or what I do...or how much I try to run from it or deny it or try not to believe what people say, the truth is....I am a writer. Period. I can't seem to help it actually, writing is my first language. I used to think it was kinda lame or nerdy but people seem to like it so I figure I'd ride this coat tail for as long as I can (just kidding...not really). It was in this realization that God gave me a new word...Scribe. (can we say WORD STUDY! coming soon...)
I've been hearing the term "prophetic scribe" for years now and just kind of sat on it. I didn't really know what it all meant to be honest. Then today at church, Mark Stibbe, from London, came and got "all up in my Kool-Aid" Here I am thinking that I'm going to be rocked by his message on the father's heart and God completely sucker punches me with a message entitled, "Write on." In the message, Mark talks about the rise of prophetic writers and how that is going to impact the Kingdom (he goes into way more detail but you just have to hear it). I was speechless! I couldn't believe that this man was preaching on the very thing I was going through! And not only that, but the very impact I wanted to make and how God wanted me to do it! I gotta tell you, something clicked in that service. I don't know exactly what yet, but it's big....I know it.
So....I say all that to say that this is officially the beginning of the rising of the Prophetic Scribe...whatever that means and whatever that takes....I'M GAME...
To be continued...
I said that to my best friend two weeks ago after we had breakfast at a diner in North Hollywood. We usually have breakfast there, and we always take the time to catch up and talk about different things. I usually say something pretty cool and we joke about putting it on Facebook. That day was like no other. I mean, I just said it...it sounded like it made sense. It wasn't until earlier this week that I began to question it. What the heck does that mean? Ability to see? Now I can go on some tangent about how to write reality or believable stories but I am almost certain that I don't have enough "real life" to back it up yet. Besides, that's not the point. My ability to "see" as a writer has nothing to do with my physical sight, or so I found out today at church.
See, it has been spoken over my life that I am to be called into the office of a prophet. Scary huh? I think so. Last time I checked, the prophets in the bible led pretty unusual lives and well, to be honest, I'd prefer not to be the one who eats out of the mouth of birds and I'd much rather keep the clothes I have on (thank you very much). But I have come to realize that for some weird reason, God likes to use me in prophetic ways (whether I'd like it or not) and continues to draw me toward prophetic houses (whether I'd like to go or not) so if this is true then I will digress and submit to the dealings of the Father.
But there is one thing, that no matter where I go, or what I do...or how much I try to run from it or deny it or try not to believe what people say, the truth is....I am a writer. Period. I can't seem to help it actually, writing is my first language. I used to think it was kinda lame or nerdy but people seem to like it so I figure I'd ride this coat tail for as long as I can (just kidding...not really). It was in this realization that God gave me a new word...Scribe. (can we say WORD STUDY! coming soon...)
I've been hearing the term "prophetic scribe" for years now and just kind of sat on it. I didn't really know what it all meant to be honest. Then today at church, Mark Stibbe, from London, came and got "all up in my Kool-Aid" Here I am thinking that I'm going to be rocked by his message on the father's heart and God completely sucker punches me with a message entitled, "Write on." In the message, Mark talks about the rise of prophetic writers and how that is going to impact the Kingdom (he goes into way more detail but you just have to hear it). I was speechless! I couldn't believe that this man was preaching on the very thing I was going through! And not only that, but the very impact I wanted to make and how God wanted me to do it! I gotta tell you, something clicked in that service. I don't know exactly what yet, but it's big....I know it.
So....I say all that to say that this is officially the beginning of the rising of the Prophetic Scribe...whatever that means and whatever that takes....I'M GAME...
To be continued...
Monday, September 5, 2011
The Process of Believing
How do we begin to believe in something? I find myself asking that question far too often nowadays. See, the thing is: I don't believe in myself. I don't believe I am what people say that I am or who God says that I am for that matter. I believe that when people give me a complement or says something about my character, that they are truly genuine. I believe that they believe what they are saying. I just don't believe it.
I have writer's block...again. I'm trying to write this article (which shouldn't be that hard) and I find myself having the hardest time. It's not that I'm not excited about what I'm writing about, or that I don't have enough information about the topic, I just don't believe that what I produce is good enough.
I found that I have to have a really serious talk with myself....and God. Why is it that I don't believe? How can I say that I believe in God and all that He says and does, but I don't believe in who He created me to be? How is it that I see so much in other people and have such a strong desire for them to be all that they can be, but I don't believe that I can have that same accomplishment?
The Bible says that the two greatest commandments are to "love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. And to love your neighbor as YOURSELF." How can I feel love for my neighbor but not for myself? How can I say I actually have received God's love when I can't love myself?
I need to start believing again. I need to get to that place where I believe that I can do everything that God has called me to do. No more pretending. No more "fake it to you make it." I want to actually know that I know that I know, you know?
So...what is the process of believing? How do we begin to believe in something? Is it the fact that we've known it for so long that we just take it as truth? Or do we need to see it with our own eyes? Is there some kind of supernatural encounter that sparks our belief or is it like a seed that is sown and grows over time? How did I start believing in God? Cause I feel like He has always been, even though I didn't always believe. What causes me to believe in someone else, to see beyond the faults at what is beneath the surface? And how far do I have to dig to find that for myself? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not entirely sure of anything anymore. I could always stand in front of the mirror and recite the "I am loved, and beautiful and so on" bit, but will that make me believe it?
P.S. I'm getting tired of ranting on this blog about nothing. But it seems to be the only way I can write anything. Sigh...I need some breakthrough.
I have writer's block...again. I'm trying to write this article (which shouldn't be that hard) and I find myself having the hardest time. It's not that I'm not excited about what I'm writing about, or that I don't have enough information about the topic, I just don't believe that what I produce is good enough.
I found that I have to have a really serious talk with myself....and God. Why is it that I don't believe? How can I say that I believe in God and all that He says and does, but I don't believe in who He created me to be? How is it that I see so much in other people and have such a strong desire for them to be all that they can be, but I don't believe that I can have that same accomplishment?
The Bible says that the two greatest commandments are to "love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. And to love your neighbor as YOURSELF." How can I feel love for my neighbor but not for myself? How can I say I actually have received God's love when I can't love myself?
I need to start believing again. I need to get to that place where I believe that I can do everything that God has called me to do. No more pretending. No more "fake it to you make it." I want to actually know that I know that I know, you know?
So...what is the process of believing? How do we begin to believe in something? Is it the fact that we've known it for so long that we just take it as truth? Or do we need to see it with our own eyes? Is there some kind of supernatural encounter that sparks our belief or is it like a seed that is sown and grows over time? How did I start believing in God? Cause I feel like He has always been, even though I didn't always believe. What causes me to believe in someone else, to see beyond the faults at what is beneath the surface? And how far do I have to dig to find that for myself? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not entirely sure of anything anymore. I could always stand in front of the mirror and recite the "I am loved, and beautiful and so on" bit, but will that make me believe it?
P.S. I'm getting tired of ranting on this blog about nothing. But it seems to be the only way I can write anything. Sigh...I need some breakthrough.
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