Agency

So today I was in Little Tokyo waiting with a friend at a restaurant  when a man walked up and asked loudly, "Is anybody friendly?" There were several of us waiting outside (it was a popular place) and we all just waited quietly for our turns to be seated. Right off the bat, the man sounded a bit aggressive, so (along with everyone else) I decided to ignore his comments. I usually am friendly to others but because of the way he asked the question, I thought it best to simply ignore the situation, in hopes of avoiding a confrontation (besides, my past experiences of answering people's random questions was not pretty). As we ignored him, he continued to ask the question, each time more aggressively. After asking about 3 times, he walked away.

But as he walked passed me he said loudly, "Fine, I can see you're not friendly you fat, nigger, bitch."

Now, as I have said before I was not the only person standing there. In fact, there were at least 10 other people standing in front of the restaurant and most of them stood closer to him than I was, although I was the only African American there. Everyone that was close to the restaurant could hear his comment. As he continued to walk away, he stopped, turned around and said (even louder this time) "see that's whats wrong with the Black Race; they ignore everybody," and continued to walk down the street, offering up other terms towards me that I do not care to name nor remember. I along with the crowd continued to remain silent as if nothing happened.

At first, I tried to shake it off. I do not identify with any of those terms he mentioned so there would be no need to respond. But as I sat there going through what happened in my head, I realized that I couldn't shake it. There was something that bothered me. There was something that hurt.

Later, when I got home, I continued to think about what it was that bothered me so. Was it the fact that he called me a "fat, nigger, bitch?" Well, that was a part of it but not totally. As I began to think about it more, I realized that it wasn't what he called me, but the fact that he pointed me out in the first place. Allow me to explain. As I said before, there were several people outside at the time he walked over to us. All of us heard him, and he spoke as if he was speaking to all of us. And we ALL ignored him. Every person there made the personal decision to ignore his question. But I was the only one called out for it. And not only that, but my decision, my personal decision, was dwindled down to a matter of race. My personal decision was no longer my personal decision but a decision that was based on what this man decided was a stereotype of African Americans. It wasn't the name calling, but the fact that there was no room for my moral agency, my own personal decision. Everyone else in that group had moral agency to not get involved. My moral agency, however, was not a result of my own person but what others thought based on the color of my skin. That is what bothered me.

Now, many of you will read this and think several thoughts. Allow me to tell you what I DON'T want to hear:

1. "just ignore him, you are none of those things." I know that. This is what many people do when they encounter things such as this. I understand that who I am cannot be wrapped up in a simple category or stereotype. But we don't engage racist comments because we identify with them, we engage them because they speak a truth of a system that needs to be changed. How many times have you dwindled a persons actions to their race? I am not saying that people are not shaped by their culture but when we view people's decisions as only a reflection of a (racial) structure that was only constructed to dehumanize those who were "non-white" then something is very wrong here.

2. "why are you bothered by a 'crazy person' anyway?" The only difference between "crazy people" and those who are in power is that "crazy people" have no filters...

3. "I am so sorry that happened to you": Isn't it funny how we use our "empathy" as a way to disengage from the conversation?

Honestly, I am not asking for you comments (although you are more than welcome to share them). What I am asking is that you sit with this. That you really think about what it means to have your moral agency taken from you on account of your race. What does it mean when your personal decisions are always seen as some stereotype? Does it bother you? Does it affect the way you make decisions? There are a number of questions that this situation raises. It is interesting to see how agency is affected by race. Hopefully I can reflect on this more in the future...