Letting it go for Lent...letting it go for good.

So this year I am giving up Anxiety for Lent. It's day two, and I am realizing just how difficult that really is. Nothing more to say about this really, but I thought I'd share the process with my readers. I recommend it, not just for lent, but as a continual practice. Below are the steps I took. 

My process on the practice of letting go...

1. On a sheet of paper, write down things that bring you anxiety, worry or stress. This can be things like relationships, job, etc. In addition, write down desires, plans and longings that you have. 

2. Place this sheet of paper in a chest/box/safe and put away. This represents you letting go of whatever you have written. Imagine that you are giving it to God, laying it aside, no longer claiming it as part of your mental space. 

3. On another piece of paper, write down a prayer, poem, scripture, quote, etc that speaks to your letting go of your worry, anxiety or stress. You can write one general one, or use different ones that represent different types of worry. Feel free to use words written by others, but be sure to write your own words. 

4. For the next 40 days (or however long), pay attention to those times when stress arises. Where are you in that moment? What are you doing? Who are you around/speaking to? What are you thinking about? This will help you to identify the reason behind your worry. Every time you feel stress or anxiety arise, read the prayer/scripture/poem/quote aloud. If you have different responses for different types of worry, be sure to read the corresponding response. 

5. Keep a journal on your experience. How does this process affect you physically, emotionally, and mentally? If you are being triggered by places, or people especially, then this could be a good time of process and forgiveness. 

6. Use other means to relax and release stress. Working out is great for this. I personally love any engagement in the arts. Singing, dancing, painting, etc are great ways to learn to let go. Some of my favorites are:

     a) doing yoga/stretches while singing a psalm/song/scripture    
     b) painting on a buddha board (you can find it here)     
     c) deep breaths      
     d) writing in a journal      
     e) karaoke

7) Give back. Pray for others. Be a servant. Give a compliment. Read poetry. Send flowers for no reason to a person you are not in a romantic relationship with. Hug a stranger. Make a friend. You will be surprised at how much energy you were giving to your worry. 

Let me know your thoughts on this. Does it work for you? 

A Honest Moment...

I taught a writing workshop this past weekend and talked about honesty in writing. That we should learn to be honest with ourselves and with God. That, after all, is the basis for this blog. So, as I was finishing up writing letters to my pen pals, I started writing this without even noticing it. As I typed, I knew it was something to post, as well as an invitation to others to share their own honest moments. 

The idea came to me after I saw a blogger ask their followers to share what they call the "100% truth." While I think that is helpful, I'm not going to ask you to share your "truth." I just want you to be honest. Honesty doesn't always translate into truth. Sometimes we feel things about ourselves and others that are just not true. Sometimes we know these to be false, but we still believe them, and being honest with ourselves can help to bring that out. I told the women in my workshop that the statements of our honesty need not be permanent. In fact, I hope some of them are never permanent. I sure hope what I have written below isn't. But honest moments open us up to allow the Spirit to reveal a new truth to us. How can we receive the truth of God's love for us if we are not honest with ourselves about the fact that we don't deserve it? How can we honestly receive love from others if we are not honest about the fact that we push it away because we think we haven't earned it? So read my honest moment below. Comment if you wish. Share your own honest moments if you are so brave and feel comfortable. But most of all, know that honesty is important to helping us get to the truth of our lives...

I wish to begin this with a confession.
I am addicted to fear.
Not in the sense that I like horror stories or roller coasters, but in the sense that I do not know how to live if I don't feel it. It is the adrenaline to my compliancy.  I am not sure if addiction is the right word, but it is the only one that comes to mind.
What am I most afraid of you ask?
Myself.
I am afraid of the darkest and brightest parts of me. I am afraid that things will go right. I am also afraid that things will go wrong. So I stay in the grey, and I live off of the fear of both circumstances, living a paralyzed life as if one was a feeding tube and the other a breathing machine. I situate myself in the contemplation of the decision because I am too afraid of the pain and too ashamed of the joy that could be its result.

This is my honest moment. This does not mean that I write this having it all figured out, but that this is the honest I can be in this moment. At this time.

What about you? What’s your “honest moment?” Feel free to share.

End of the Year Reflections Part I: Mirror in my Room

In the next few days I hope to post some poems that reflect some of the thoughts I encounter as it relates to Reflections of the Year. The first is below. Enjoy! And remember to leave comments! 

Mirror in my Room

There is an old mirror in my room

It is dusty

And cracked

Once a year I force myself to stand in front of this mirror

to run my fingers through the stubborn dirt caked upon its surface

to feel the sharpness of the jagged edges against my skin

the pain as the skin gives in under the pressure

releasing streaks of red

Once a year I present my most vulnerable self

I stare at my own broken, filthy reflection

And as the tears stream down my face

I repeat these words:

You are beautiful. 

It never matters if the tears are of joy or pain

Or both

The reflection is always the same

There is an old mirror in my room

It is dusty

and cracked

and it only reflects beauty.

I Wish

I wish I was better than I am.
I wish I listened more.
I wish I was less fearful of the woman I can become
and less comfortable with the ways in which I have already settled.

I wish I was less hesitant in saying how I feel
and more careful in my judgements.
I wish I laughed more
     and cried more too
I wish I wasn't so numb.

I wish I could do all of the things I set out to do.
I wish I didn't make such a long list.
I wish that this time will be different,
I wish I could see how all the other times were too.

I wish I was better at hoping for the best than preparing for the worst.
I wish I had a better understanding of why I still had faith.
I wish I understood why wishes were worth wishing in the first place.

I wish you could see me
     truly see me.
I wish I could see you too.

A reflection of a great loss..

There are tearful smiles on the faces of many as we mourn one who we can only remember as the one who brought us joy. It is a difficult time of even the farthest of acquaintances, and yet I being among those on the outskirts trying to catch a glimpse felt the need to write even as I process the news. It is heartbreaking to think of the death of a loved one, and we are left with broken hearts as we try to stretch our minds to the limits in an attempt to understand the intentions of a man who took his own life. 

"Genie, you are free." The tweet reads. Yes, in some ways we believe that death is freedom from a painful life, but how often in this belief do we drown out the voices of those saying, "free? What about this freedom? I would like that too." In our swiftness to recognize the end of another's pain we forget that our stance may give others permission to seek their own freedom and to find it.  

My prayer tonight is not just for the family of Robin Williams, though I do pray that in this time of unquestionable grief that they do find a peace that passes understanding. My prayer is also for those who feel that their brokenness is too deep for this life to bear. I pray that they don't see death as a freedom from their pain, but that they see a life that gave so much joy. I pray that they find help, and in that...hope. I pray that stories like this won't just leave us standing only to remember the life that was lost but to look for and help those who are slipping. 

There is no easy way to do this, but no one ever said that the hard way was ineffective. May we continue to press down that hard way, carrying those who don't have the strength to continue. 

It's what the genie would've wished for. 

What I'm "doing" after graduation

So I've had five people ask me the same question today:

What are you doing after graduation?

Each time they asked, I could see this spark of hope in their eyes, or could see it between the lines of an email. It was a hope that demanded an answer that was as ambitious as they've made me out to be.

It was also a question that made my heart sink just a little each time I heard it.

Not because I'm any less ambitious then they imagine or because I have any less hope. But mostly because, at the moment, reality has hope in a headlock chocking its air flow and every time that question is asked reality's grip gets a little bit tighter.

Of course, that's not what I say to people when they ask (no one wants a Debbie Downer), but its there, behind every weary smile and rehearsed explanation. Its a reality that I know I am not alone in, so I figured it would be a good time to take to the blog to spark some conversations about the topic. Allow me to share some of my thoughts, frustrations, and hopefully wisdom to those who are set to graduate in the near future.

1. More hours and energy in a day please!
I think the difficult part of this is trying to find a balance between finishing strong on your current responsibilities while trying to have time and energy to find new ones. Between school work, my job with the ASC, not to mention having senioritis and just not having much energy after 3 years of  pretty much going full time, it is difficult to find the time and energy it takes to find a job in this market (especially in this field).
Word of advice: start now! think about the kind of job you want and start working on it now (resume, cover letters, research). Even though I started thinking about this months ago, the amount of energy needed to finish and the amount you will need to find a job is just too much to do in a year even, so start early.

2. What I want to do vs. what's available
This balance is the hardest one in my opinion. I know what I WANT to do, what I have passion for, but the reality is that you will usually need to pay your rent before you find your dream job. Could I find a job in a university/college/seminary or organization or business that connects theology and the arts/culture and allows me to have space to prepare for PhD study? Of course! Could it happen in the next four weeks before graduation? Sure it can! But I have to be realistic in knowing that it might not. What are my skills? What gets me in the door? What's available right now that can give me financial breathing room so I can take time to find what I want?
Word of advice: if you can, set aside some money to hold you over for at least a few months after graduation. I didn't do that, and I'm kicking myself for it now.

3. Be realistic about what doesn't work
Someone asked if I thought about working at Starbucks or retail. While I'm not opposed to those jobs as they pay the bills like everyone else, I know myself and I know that I would be miserable. I know some folks say that you should be willing to do ANYTHING to get to where you want to go, but lets be honest here: I didn't get a MDiv so I could work at Starbucks. Unless I'm going into café ministry, that is not what I thought of when I signed up. Now, this is not to say anything negative about anyone who did go the Starbucks route or that I myself wouldn't take the job if I needed it. What I'm saying is that its OK if I'm willing to fight for what I want and what I don't. If working in those areas fit your skills and passions for the time being: go for it! But don't be afraid to say that they don't.
Word of advice: know yourself. The more you know about your skills and passions, the better prepared you can be when it comes to finding that "place-holder" job that will pay the bills while you work on your plan. You want to continue to engage the skills you will use in your dream job if you can. Even if it is not as much money, you will be better for it.

4. Relationships!
So I have a few meetings set up before the end of the year that I hope will give some clarification on what to do next (and a job would hurt either). It's hard, because you can't go into those meetings with any real hopes other than the information and feedback you requested in the first place, but deep down you wish for one of those day-dream sequences where the person has a pot of gold or at least your dream job offer or something. And I'm trying to realize and hold onto the fact that job offer or not, I am going to leave each meeting with something valuable: the establishment of a relationship. Whoever said "its who you know" about Hollywood must have worked in every industry ever created. Relationships are what get jobs. That's good news. But relationships take time. This is not always good news 4 weeks away from graduation.
Word of advice: use those relationships you have established throughout your time at Fuller (or wherever). A warm hand-off is always better than a cold email or call. Know that Faculty, Administration and Staff want you to succeed and will often have ways for you to connect to those who do what you could only dream of doing. Don't be afraid to say: I need help! (by the way, this is me saying it.)


While these four points can't sum up my frustration as panic mode is starting to set in, what I can say is that the hardest thing to do out of all of these is to trust God. That's what all of this really comes down to. Can I say that after I've done all that I can do that I can stand and trust God? I could, but I wouldn't be telling the whole truth and nothing but. Though this process of off-and-on panic I realized that I cling just a little bit tighter to anticipated disappointment than the possibility of things working out. Simple advice won't fix that: only prayer and trusting God can. I can only pray that the grace and peace of God will allow me to loosen my grip on that rock of disappointment and open my eyes to see what he has already provided during my time here, and let that be my foundation for what he can and will do in time to come.

So, what am I doing after graduation you ask?
I don't know. I can only be as prepared as I can and trust that God will allow the rest to fall into place. Please think of me in your prayers, and I will do the same.

Poetic response to Q: Part I

So during my time at Q I've experienced a richness of information in the presentations and talk backs, so much so that I could go on and on about it. But, in valuing the time restricted format, I thought it would be fun (and a bit of a challenge) to respond in a simular way; by trying to capture some of the presentations in Haiku form. Each Haiku is named after the title of the presentation. Not all of them are listed here, but I hope I captured some of the essence of these amazing talks. Feel free to share (but tag me via Facebok, Twitter, etc) and leave a comment. How do you respond? 

Questions

One should seek to ask

Celebrate and cultivate

Cruciform living 

Religious Freedom

We only flourish

When the vulnerable ones

Are free to believe

Manners

Be intentional

In your actions toward others. 

This is your soul poise

Achieving Unity

We like all things "us"  

What if all were simply us?

No more us and them

Hookup Culture

Hookups are whatevs

But we all want to be loved

Teach us to slow down

Defining Love

Are there ever times

When love cries out hosanna

Does love need saving?

Religion of the Academy

Agents of culture

Are always in danger of

Making themselves god

Inspiring the Next Generation

Privilege is access

We need a theory of change

And the right to choose

Prophetic Minority

Speak the words of truth

For a strange world has come as

A scandal and cross

Postracial Blues

Who said it was done?

The rebirth of racism

At the churches hands 

Two Unlikely Friends

Through the pain of loss

We see our humanity

We find each other 

Taking vs. receiving

You seek ambition

I wanna see you be brave

Redeem the third wave 

Reclaiming Masclulinity

Where are manly men?

Let us reclaim our purpose

Give glory to God

Mental Health

Thoughts are trees planted

By rivers of love, not fear

Think accordingly 

More to come!...