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I just came back from dinner with two of my friends. It was a great dinner; I had great food and got the chance to hear great stories about people who had blessed them through love, especially during their time at Fuller.
But when I got home...I cried.
Because I didn't have any stories to share.
This is even hard for me to write this now; because all I could remember is how much I wanted to bring something to the conversation. But I couldn't.
They talked about their grandparents and how they made them feel so loved and special. I never knew any of my grandparents. My grandfather passed in November. I never knew him and he never knew me. I remember participating in a funeral of a man I didn't know but felt like I should have. It was hard hearing all of the stories of his other family and how much he meant to them. I would never have those stories to tell.
Then they talked about the amazing people who were interested in what they were doing; sending them letters and encouraging them on. And again I was silent. Because I couldn't think of one letter, or one care package, or one check, or one random word of encouragement from someone who I knew believed in what I was doing. Someone to take the time to ask "how are you?" and mean it. To actually be excited about my goals or dreams, or at least cared enough to pretend to be excited because I was.
And I dont know about you; but for me its the loneliest place in the world.
Now don't get me wrong; I have amazing friends here at Fuller and have the chance to have amazing conversations. But man I'd give a right arm to just have someone (a mentor, parent, something) to actually give a damn. To actually want to know what was going on with ME. To cheer me on, send words of encouragement, something.
I remember when I was in undergrad. I wanted so bad for my mom to send me a care package. You know, like on that Jiff commercial when the girl gets the random things from her mother (peanut butter being one). It wasn't so much about the cost or anything; just that someone took the time to know what meant something to you and showed they cared by sending it (even the smallest thing). And even though my mother lived about 15 minutes away from my dorm I waited. And it never came.
I know this is a really depressing blog but I don't know, I just want someone in my corner. One of my things to do this year was to find a mentor. And, I don't know if that's happened exactly yet. I mean, there are a couple who I would look to as a mentor, but there is still a part of me that holds back; not fully letting people in. I don't know, maybe I'm just scared that it will be too good to be true.
I guess there is no real way to end this blog except to say that I really wanted to participate in that conversation tonight during dinner. I wanna know that there are people who have been where I want to go and genuinely take an interest in getting to know me. It's one thing to have friends who are going through it with you, but I'm not sure how much longer I can make it without other aspects of community (like a coach to lead you or people to cheer you on).