Sometimes I doubt everything.

Have you ever looked at your faith, everything that you believe and have believed since you can remember and thought..."What if this is all Bullshit?"
Cause I gotta be honest...I do.
As a matter of fact, I'm having that thought right now.
And it's hard, you know, cause you never actually want to admit that a thought like that can cross your mind, but sometimes, if you are really honest with yourself, you'll feel it creep in. Or maybe its never left your mind and it manages to show its face every now and then. But you constantly remind yourself that its OK because it only happens sometimes...
Until "sometimes" becomes "often" and "often" becomes "normal" and the next thing you know you doubt everything.
But hey, that can never happen to me...I'm a Christian.
So even if I do doubt "sometimes" I will never let it get that far...I will always believe.
Yeah, I think that way too...
Now, many of you may be gasping right now thinking, "yep, that's it, Tamisha has officially jumped off the deep end." Please be assured that that hasn't happened. I still believe. I still have faith.
But "sometimes..."
Sometimes I wonder if it is all Bullshit.
So what keeps me grounded then? What keeps me from jumping?
Honestly (and this is where my Charismatic roots come in), I remember the times I experienced God. Times that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God was with me. Present in a situation, or gave me a word that I couldn't have known for someone else or did something so mind blowing that there could simply be no other explanation.
But as I even begin to think about that and about how learning so many things here at Fuller have a way of challenging what you believe I wonder if there will come a time when  there are so many holes in my "theology" that even those experiences begin to slip through the cracks.
So where does that leave me? Holding on to anchors until they're blown to bits by some ideology or praying that I still love Jesus when I graduate?
That's not enough for me.
My faith has to go deeper...
Believing the way I've always believed cannot be the end for me. I have to get to a point where my faith is strong and unmovable.
And I have a feeling that to get there I'm going to have to doubt everything.
I'm going to have to let it go, and trust that after everything has been shaken that the truth will emerge and stand.
I don't want to be the person who fears doubt so much that their belief becomes their truth.
But I don't want to be the person that becomes so disillusioned that doubt becomes their god.
But sometimes...
Sometimes I look at all of this and wonder...
What if it is all Bullshit?