Have you ever looked at your faith, everything that you believe and have believed since you can remember and thought..."What if this is all Bullshit?"
Cause I gotta be honest...I do.
As a matter of fact, I'm having that thought right now.
And it's hard, you know, cause you never actually want to admit that a thought like that can cross your mind, but sometimes, if you are really honest with yourself, you'll feel it creep in. Or maybe its never left your mind and it manages to show its face every now and then. But you constantly remind yourself that its OK because it only happens sometimes...
Until "sometimes" becomes "often" and "often" becomes "normal" and the next thing you know you doubt everything.
But hey, that can never happen to me...I'm a Christian.
So even if I do doubt "sometimes" I will never let it get that far...I will always believe.
Yeah, I think that way too...
Now, many of you may be gasping right now thinking, "yep, that's it, Tamisha has officially jumped off the deep end." Please be assured that that hasn't happened. I still believe. I still have faith.
But "sometimes..."
Sometimes I wonder if it is all Bullshit.
So what keeps me grounded then? What keeps me from jumping?
Honestly (and this is where my Charismatic roots come in), I remember the times I experienced God. Times that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God was with me. Present in a situation, or gave me a word that I couldn't have known for someone else or did something so mind blowing that there could simply be no other explanation.
But as I even begin to think about that and about how learning so many things here at Fuller have a way of challenging what you believe I wonder if there will come a time when there are so many holes in my "theology" that even those experiences begin to slip through the cracks.
So where does that leave me? Holding on to anchors until they're blown to bits by some ideology or praying that I still love Jesus when I graduate?
That's not enough for me.
My faith has to go deeper...
Believing the way I've always believed cannot be the end for me. I have to get to a point where my faith is strong and unmovable.
And I have a feeling that to get there I'm going to have to doubt everything.
I'm going to have to let it go, and trust that after everything has been shaken that the truth will emerge and stand.
I don't want to be the person who fears doubt so much that their belief becomes their truth.
But I don't want to be the person that becomes so disillusioned that doubt becomes their god.
But sometimes...
Sometimes I look at all of this and wonder...
What if it is all Bullshit?
Showing posts with label christian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christian. Show all posts
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Believing in Love
Note: Some of you will read this and think, "this girl is going to Hell; don't pass go, don't collect $200, but STRAIGHT to Hell.. Others will read this and think, "What the hell is she talking about?" Please know that I am not entirely sure, and writing usually helps me to sort it out so bare with me...
About a year and a half ago I wrote a blog entitled, Divided by Homosexuality, which was based on a panel discussion we had at Fuller during my first quarter. I read that blog now and still remember how confused I was. I approach this blog with much of the same confusion, but with more of a resolve than I ever would have been able to articulate last Spring.
Tonight I went to view a screening of "Love Free or Die" which was about Gene Robinson, the first openly gay bishop. The film was then followed by a Q&A with Bishop Robinson himself. To be honest, I had no clue who he was before hearing about this event and upon hearing about him I was interested in his life and particularly with his journey as expressed in the film. I enjoyed the film overall, as well as the Q&A, getting to meet him, buying his book and getting it signed. But what really lead me to write this blog was not the man nor the film, but the people I was watching it with.
When I left that panel last Spring, I was convinced on my stand on Homosexuality and was just beginning to explore what that looked like as I engaged with people in community (in other words, was it truly possible for me to engage people who were homosexual without turning my back on my beliefs?) As I began to explore this further, an amazing thing happened: I made friends. Not just any friends, but friends who were homosexual, friends who were Allies (heterosexuals who supported the homosexual community) and so on. This issue that I had been struggling with was no longer an issue: it had a face and a name and I had a relationship with it. No...strike that. Those faces and names were not issues, they were friends, good friends who supported me and I them.
"Now what?" I thought. Time and time again I played various scenarios in my head about how I would react to certain situations. "What if they got married? Would I go to their wedding as support for our friendship? Would that mean that I affirmed homosexuality?" Back and forth I went; trying to figure out how to love my friends in a way that was true to the Gospel, but at the same time uphold what I believed to be Gospel truth.
Some time later, Peace and Justice Advocates invited Justin Lee of the Gay Christian Network to Fuller to talk and also to lead a panel discussion. One of the things that I really liked about this discussion and found to be helpful was the fact that they were open to people on both sides to the discussion. It allowed me to understand the possibility of exploring my position in community: that is, learning how to engage in community with others even though I was on the "Conservative" side of the issue.
Some time after that, a good friend of mine started an organization entitled, "One Table" which supported the LGBT community at Fuller. I remember sitting with her one night as we were having our usual Tuesday night dinners among friends and asking about my place at this table of conversation. Would there be a place for me since I technically hadn't made a "decision" yet? I found that there was not only a place; but a safe space to express exactly where I was: Welcoming yet non-affirming (or at least that's what I heard it called).
This leads me to tonight, Gene Robinson, the film and all. There I was, sitting behind my friends, watching a film about a man who went through hardship for what he believed to be the truth. It was in those first 10 minutes that I thought of this scripture:
Greater love has no one that this, that one lay down her life for her friends.
If I truly believe that Homosexuality is one of the make or break decisions of my faith; then would I be willing to lay THAT down for my friends? Would I be willing to suffer the possibility of Hell (if I believed that to be the result of my affirming of Homosexuality) to love my friends? Would my love have to be radical enough to require that of me, or was it possible to hold onto both?
It was at that point that I realized that my decision to love was more important than my decision to take a side. But would not taking a side prove me to be "lukewarm?" (I say this in the term that many Christians view this as; this is not what I believe that part of scripture to be saying, but that's another blog).This is also something that I had to confront:
Did I believe that Homosexuality was a sin because I searched the scriptures and came to this conclusion or was this simply the result of tradition and upbringing? (this question is where the "she's going to Hell" part comes in). I cannot say that I have searched the scriptures. I was familiar with the scriptures that were used in this argument of course, but did I actually read them for myself? No. I had allowed it to be something I always believed, no question. Now, I am not saying that if I search the scriptures for myself (not actually BY MYSELF, but we won't get into the nitty-gritty of context and history of the church and blah blah blah) that I would come out in favor of Homosexuality, but I'm not saying I won't either. I have found that I have to be willing to search the scripture and allow the Holy Spirit to tell me the Truth. For someone who has always believed one way, this is a very scary thing. I can say, "this doesn't mean that I will change my mind" but if I go in with that notion then I am not really allowing the Holy Spirit to have it's way. I am not really letting it go. I have to be willing to leave this at the foot of the Cross and trust that the Truth will make me free. To be honest, I am not sure what I will find. That is where the confusion still lies. But I can say this: my resolve is in love. It does not matter what I believe at the end of the day, love is still required. It is still the greatest commandment. And if the highest peak of love is laying down one's life, then I pray that no matter what the outcome, I am able to have the strength to nail this to the cross for the sake of my friends.
I welcome your discussion...
About a year and a half ago I wrote a blog entitled, Divided by Homosexuality, which was based on a panel discussion we had at Fuller during my first quarter. I read that blog now and still remember how confused I was. I approach this blog with much of the same confusion, but with more of a resolve than I ever would have been able to articulate last Spring.
Tonight I went to view a screening of "Love Free or Die" which was about Gene Robinson, the first openly gay bishop. The film was then followed by a Q&A with Bishop Robinson himself. To be honest, I had no clue who he was before hearing about this event and upon hearing about him I was interested in his life and particularly with his journey as expressed in the film. I enjoyed the film overall, as well as the Q&A, getting to meet him, buying his book and getting it signed. But what really lead me to write this blog was not the man nor the film, but the people I was watching it with.
When I left that panel last Spring, I was convinced on my stand on Homosexuality and was just beginning to explore what that looked like as I engaged with people in community (in other words, was it truly possible for me to engage people who were homosexual without turning my back on my beliefs?) As I began to explore this further, an amazing thing happened: I made friends. Not just any friends, but friends who were homosexual, friends who were Allies (heterosexuals who supported the homosexual community) and so on. This issue that I had been struggling with was no longer an issue: it had a face and a name and I had a relationship with it. No...strike that. Those faces and names were not issues, they were friends, good friends who supported me and I them.
"Now what?" I thought. Time and time again I played various scenarios in my head about how I would react to certain situations. "What if they got married? Would I go to their wedding as support for our friendship? Would that mean that I affirmed homosexuality?" Back and forth I went; trying to figure out how to love my friends in a way that was true to the Gospel, but at the same time uphold what I believed to be Gospel truth.
Some time later, Peace and Justice Advocates invited Justin Lee of the Gay Christian Network to Fuller to talk and also to lead a panel discussion. One of the things that I really liked about this discussion and found to be helpful was the fact that they were open to people on both sides to the discussion. It allowed me to understand the possibility of exploring my position in community: that is, learning how to engage in community with others even though I was on the "Conservative" side of the issue.
Some time after that, a good friend of mine started an organization entitled, "One Table" which supported the LGBT community at Fuller. I remember sitting with her one night as we were having our usual Tuesday night dinners among friends and asking about my place at this table of conversation. Would there be a place for me since I technically hadn't made a "decision" yet? I found that there was not only a place; but a safe space to express exactly where I was: Welcoming yet non-affirming (or at least that's what I heard it called).
This leads me to tonight, Gene Robinson, the film and all. There I was, sitting behind my friends, watching a film about a man who went through hardship for what he believed to be the truth. It was in those first 10 minutes that I thought of this scripture:
Greater love has no one that this, that one lay down her life for her friends.
If I truly believe that Homosexuality is one of the make or break decisions of my faith; then would I be willing to lay THAT down for my friends? Would I be willing to suffer the possibility of Hell (if I believed that to be the result of my affirming of Homosexuality) to love my friends? Would my love have to be radical enough to require that of me, or was it possible to hold onto both?
It was at that point that I realized that my decision to love was more important than my decision to take a side. But would not taking a side prove me to be "lukewarm?" (I say this in the term that many Christians view this as; this is not what I believe that part of scripture to be saying, but that's another blog).This is also something that I had to confront:
Did I believe that Homosexuality was a sin because I searched the scriptures and came to this conclusion or was this simply the result of tradition and upbringing? (this question is where the "she's going to Hell" part comes in). I cannot say that I have searched the scriptures. I was familiar with the scriptures that were used in this argument of course, but did I actually read them for myself? No. I had allowed it to be something I always believed, no question. Now, I am not saying that if I search the scriptures for myself (not actually BY MYSELF, but we won't get into the nitty-gritty of context and history of the church and blah blah blah) that I would come out in favor of Homosexuality, but I'm not saying I won't either. I have found that I have to be willing to search the scripture and allow the Holy Spirit to tell me the Truth. For someone who has always believed one way, this is a very scary thing. I can say, "this doesn't mean that I will change my mind" but if I go in with that notion then I am not really allowing the Holy Spirit to have it's way. I am not really letting it go. I have to be willing to leave this at the foot of the Cross and trust that the Truth will make me free. To be honest, I am not sure what I will find. That is where the confusion still lies. But I can say this: my resolve is in love. It does not matter what I believe at the end of the day, love is still required. It is still the greatest commandment. And if the highest peak of love is laying down one's life, then I pray that no matter what the outcome, I am able to have the strength to nail this to the cross for the sake of my friends.
I welcome your discussion...
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A heavy heart
I'm writing this because my heart is slightly heavy today. I cannot exactly pin-point the purpose for this; maybe this is what lead me to write. Maybe these words are similar to crates one would throw off a ship when you think it's sinking; only to realize that the very thing you needed to survive was locked up in the crates you threw over in an effort to calm your panic. Maybe this effort to write these words here will reveal the key that unlocks the crate that contains exactly what I need in order to understand what weighs my heart so. Maybe that's what all of these blog entries have been.
Or maybe not...
Maybe I'm just kidding myself.
But whatever the reason the fact remains that my heart is slightly heavy today.
I went to a meeting and sat in on a discussion about the treatment of human rights. I found the discussion fascinating and very informative. But I also found myself in the same place I was when I wrote Unqualified Participant; that is, 5 steps behind. I thought by now that this would no longer be the case for me as I have felt a lot more confident recently, but there I was; actively listening, trying to gain some knowledge on a subject I knew nothing about, only to be too slow to even articulate questions of clarification.
What's wrong with me? Why is it that I have become consumed with my own doubts; allowing what I think I am not dominate who I know I am? There is nothing wrong with engaging in a discussion if you don't fully understand it's contents. If you have a teachable spirit and are open to learning, then these discussions can be very fruitful indeed. It is only when you allow your ignorance to trap you, your pride to silence you, and your doubts to enslave you that you become unable to participate in what can only be beneficial to everyone involved. This is what I do time and time again. It's pathetic really, an attribute that I am not proud of, nevertheless it is there; and I must contend against it if I am to be of any use or benefit to that which I have been called.
In the discussion we thought of ways by which we could treat others as humans and resist the culture by tying ourselves to one another; thus using our visibility to shed light on those who have been invisible, bringing their stories to the forefront to speak to political powers; demanding that those in power repent of the way they have treated them. I believe that this is true; we need to hear those stories not just for the repentance of political powers, but for ours as well.
As an African-American educated woman; as a seminary student; as an artist; as a Christian; as a human, I believe I have that visibility and thus the responsibility to tie myself to those who do not. That being said; what is having visibility if you have nothing to say? How can I uphold my responsibility for others if I don't even take the time to know who they are and how our world affects them.
Maybe that is why my heart is heavy; partly with the burden of my brothers and sisters, but mostly with the shame of living a life that disappoints them; because I've failed in being the voice they need. Maybe my heart is heavy because I want to be that voice so bad, and have become frustrated in the process. Either way, I know I need to be more aware, informed and active. But until then, my heart will be slightly heavy.
Or maybe not...
Maybe I'm just kidding myself.
But whatever the reason the fact remains that my heart is slightly heavy today.
I went to a meeting and sat in on a discussion about the treatment of human rights. I found the discussion fascinating and very informative. But I also found myself in the same place I was when I wrote Unqualified Participant; that is, 5 steps behind. I thought by now that this would no longer be the case for me as I have felt a lot more confident recently, but there I was; actively listening, trying to gain some knowledge on a subject I knew nothing about, only to be too slow to even articulate questions of clarification.
What's wrong with me? Why is it that I have become consumed with my own doubts; allowing what I think I am not dominate who I know I am? There is nothing wrong with engaging in a discussion if you don't fully understand it's contents. If you have a teachable spirit and are open to learning, then these discussions can be very fruitful indeed. It is only when you allow your ignorance to trap you, your pride to silence you, and your doubts to enslave you that you become unable to participate in what can only be beneficial to everyone involved. This is what I do time and time again. It's pathetic really, an attribute that I am not proud of, nevertheless it is there; and I must contend against it if I am to be of any use or benefit to that which I have been called.
In the discussion we thought of ways by which we could treat others as humans and resist the culture by tying ourselves to one another; thus using our visibility to shed light on those who have been invisible, bringing their stories to the forefront to speak to political powers; demanding that those in power repent of the way they have treated them. I believe that this is true; we need to hear those stories not just for the repentance of political powers, but for ours as well.
As an African-American educated woman; as a seminary student; as an artist; as a Christian; as a human, I believe I have that visibility and thus the responsibility to tie myself to those who do not. That being said; what is having visibility if you have nothing to say? How can I uphold my responsibility for others if I don't even take the time to know who they are and how our world affects them.
Maybe that is why my heart is heavy; partly with the burden of my brothers and sisters, but mostly with the shame of living a life that disappoints them; because I've failed in being the voice they need. Maybe my heart is heavy because I want to be that voice so bad, and have become frustrated in the process. Either way, I know I need to be more aware, informed and active. But until then, my heart will be slightly heavy.
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