A heavy heart

I'm writing this because my heart is slightly heavy today.  I cannot exactly pin-point the purpose for this; maybe this is what lead me to write. Maybe these words are similar to crates one would throw off a ship when you think it's sinking; only to realize that the very thing you needed to survive was locked up in the crates you threw over in an effort to calm your panic. Maybe this effort to write these words here will reveal the key that unlocks the crate that contains exactly what I need in order to understand what weighs my heart so. Maybe that's what all of these blog entries have been.

Or maybe not...


Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

But whatever the reason the fact remains that my heart is slightly heavy today.

I went to a meeting and sat in on a discussion about the treatment of human rights.  I found the discussion fascinating  and very informative. But I also found myself in the same place I was when I wrote Unqualified Participant; that is, 5 steps behind. I thought by now that this would no longer be the case for me as I have felt a lot more confident recently, but there I was; actively listening, trying to gain some knowledge on a subject I knew nothing about, only to be too slow to even articulate questions of clarification.

What's wrong with me? Why is it that I have become consumed with my own doubts; allowing what I think I am not dominate who I know I am? There is nothing wrong with engaging in a discussion if you don't fully understand it's contents. If you have a teachable spirit and are open to learning, then these discussions can be very fruitful indeed. It is only when you allow your ignorance to trap you, your pride to silence you, and your doubts to enslave you that you become unable to participate in what can only be beneficial to everyone involved. This is what I do time and time again. It's pathetic really, an attribute that I am not proud of, nevertheless it is there; and I must contend against it if I am to be of any use or benefit to that which I have been called.

In the discussion we thought of ways by which we could treat others as humans and resist the culture by tying ourselves to one another; thus using our visibility to shed light on those who have been invisible, bringing their stories to the forefront to speak to political powers; demanding that those in power repent of the way they have treated them. I believe that this is true; we need to hear those stories not just for the repentance of political powers, but for ours as well.

As an African-American educated woman; as a seminary student; as an artist; as a Christian; as a human, I believe I have that visibility and thus the responsibility to tie myself to those who do not. That being said; what is having visibility if you have nothing to say? How can I uphold my responsibility for others if I don't even take the time to know who they are and how our world affects them.

Maybe that is why my heart is heavy; partly with the burden of my brothers and sisters, but mostly with the shame of living a life that disappoints them; because I've failed in being the voice they need. Maybe my heart is heavy because I want to be that voice so bad, and have become frustrated in the process. Either way, I know I need to be more aware, informed and active. But until then, my heart will be slightly heavy.