Senioritis: A Poem

There is a fatigue that has set up residence in my bones
and I don't have the strength to tell em that the lease is up.
RIP Focus
RIP determination
RIP any faculty that would lend to productivity
I will miss you.
But I am ready to move on.
Now, Distraction keeps me company,
Shenanigans brings me meals every day,
and Idleness holds me tight and sings me to sleep.
And Fatigue...
it has set up residence in my bones
and I don't want em to leave

The kids table: African-Americans and global theology

Tonight I had the chance to go to a discussion on the conversation of global theology. The discussion comprised of five speakers who gave their perspective on various aspects of global theology. As I listened to the rich discussion of ideas, particularly feedback concerning the western theology versus those of the non-Western theology, I couldn't help but think about my own experience as an African-American. What I found that was interesting was that my experience particularly as an African-American was nonexistent in the Western versus non-western ideology. As I pondered on it further I couldn't help but make the connection to those large Sunday or holiday dinners where there's a large table for the adults to eat and discuss, while the kids table is off to the side. It is in light of this analogy that I would like to offer my thoughts on the African-American experience in light of this discussion. 

What is global theology?

This is a good question. I particularly like the answer that Tommy Givens gave when he spoke about the dangers of claiming a worldview, a theology or an ideology that seeks to claim the world in its entirety. This simply cannot be done. What I took away to be a global theology is the aspect that our theology is influenced and critiqued by a multiplicity of voices that represent various parts of the world, and no one voice claims to be dominant over the other (this sounds very postmodernist me now that I think about it). Global theology is allowing all of those voices to come to the table and to speak into the tradition that we have received from their own perspectives. 

A place at the table

This brings me back to the analogy. If global theology is a place at the table where goods and riches are shared equally and discussion includes everyone, then the African-American experience in light of the Western versus non-western ideology does not have a place at the table but is what I would call the kids table.

The kids table is a place in which the goods are shared (to an extent) but the participants are not allowed equal or any right into the discussion despite the fact that the implication of those discussions directly affects them. They are merely lumped together into the perspectives and ideologies of the "parent", despite the fact that they in and of themselves have their own perspective. 

Western versus non-Western

Before I go into the extreme dangers of this type of understanding of the African-American experience, I must take a look at what it means when we say "Western versus non-Western". This very notion came up in discussion after the panel and I resonate with the uneasiness of these categories. And so, I shall post my uneasiness with the question; could these categories of Western versus non-Western reinforce the pedestal of western theology even if only as a glorified villian? This is not to take away from the history of dominance and oppression that the Western theology has had on the rest of the world in any way, but I wish to merely point out this sweeping notion that occurs for both categories and that can cause problems if we continue to use them so distinctly, overlooking the complexities and messiness that they bring. 

My particular concern as it relates to the African-American culture is the fact that the African-American culture gets swept up into a western theology and in the sense is not only negated of its own voice but charged with the same notions and oppressions that it itself has experienced.  Is an African-American theology free from grasp and the temptations of a western theology? Of course not. It is, as Tommy suggests, the underbelly of western theology, that is, its development in the mist of the darkness and oppression that American western theology attempts to deny.  And it is this very position that places it in a particularly unique state to critique the western theology that it finds itself embedded in. It is, in a sense, the child that knows all too well of the family dysfunction but is unable to participate in lending their perspective because they have been both swept into the perspective of the parent and denied and under estimated as a result. 

I am sure there's a lot more to be said about this, but it is late and I'm tired so I'll just leave my final concerns and questions below:

1. In what ways do the categories of Western versus non-Western overlook the particular experience of African-Americans?

2. Do you agree with the fact that African-Americans have been placed at "the kids table" or do you think that African-Americans should even have a place in the discussion concerning global theology?

I guess my concern would be the preservation of the black prophetic tradition in light of these discussions. Not to say that other discussions are not important but I don't want the African-American experience to either get swept up as a subset of western theology or swept up as a subset of African theology, denying the double consciousness that has been the result of the re-created culture and life of Africans in America. This presents a whole range of messy questions that I am too tired to list here, but consists of the importance of the African-American experience on a global scale and the concept of allowing other voices have been denied to speak into the discussion (and then saying this I am thinking particularly of the non-Western experience, to use the language from tonight)

Okay that is all. Not sure if this makes sense to come back at me with your thoughts. 

The truth about me...and maybe you too.

Hi. My name is Tamisha Tyler.

 I am size 16 to 18. 

My butt is slightly smaller than I'd like and my stomach is bigger than I would imagine it to be. 

My arms flap when I wave and I secretly wish I was a couple inches taller so maybe then my dreams of being a model would be more based in reality.

 My teeth are crooked and it took me a long time to learn to smile and laugh freely. 

My middle name is Anquonette. 

I've always secretly hated my middle name; it takes too long to spell, so I tell myself that Tamisha A. Tyler would be a better writers name. 

I've always wanted to be a writer, but I always fear that I will never have anything to say. 

My friends say that I am a good leader but I often questioned whether or not they believe it.

Maybe because I'm still learning to.

 I'm single, and I don't want to be. 

But I can't figure out how to get a date. 

There are moments that I doubt everything that I believe, but I am afriad to tell anyone in fear that my spoken words will become a confirmation of a truth that I cannot face. 

I like to drink beer and eat cupcakes....at the same time

I wonder if I'm smart enough to actually get into the PhD program and I'm more afraid of the answer being yes. 

I'm afraid to say that I actually like my life is right now in fear that my words will speed up an impending doom confirming the fact that I don't deserve it. 

I don't remember how to ride a bike

I wish I had really cool smart things to say in a blog or paper but I can't seem to get past my own stupid thoughts, so I just write blogs; a stream of consciousness that makes no sense and hope and pray that somebody will read it. 

This would be one of those.

Spring Break Blues

Have you ever felt like the walls were closing in? Like no matter how much you screamed or yelled, the space around you continued to get smaller and smaller? Your heart starts racing and you start realizing that its hard to breathe, but it doesn't matter anyway because your entire being is about to be crushed and there is nothing you can do about it?

Me neither. But at least I got you listening.

I started writing this blog feeling that way but as I wrote I realized, "wait, my situation isn't THAT bad." I mean, yeah, I'm really frustrated right now, I have fears and doubts and hang-up's up the wazoo but it doesn't mean that my life is over. It just means that living it isn't going to come as easy as I thought it would, or as easy as I'd like it to.

So, I'm on Spring Break, and to be honest it feels more like Spring Yield. "Hey you over there! Yes you, who just locked yourself in a library and spilled your precious little brain cells (whatever you had left that is) into a word document that could never amount to your actual intelligence, all for a grade that will determine if you really got a bang for your buck (yes all $1400 of them). Yes you, who stuffed yourself with caffeine  carbs and alcohol (which if you drank porters also include more caffeine and carbs) only to gain 5 pounds and take one step closer to diabetes.  Yes you, who can no longer think straight and realizes that you have only 8 days or so to prepare for the next 11 weeks of hell... Have a great Spring Break!"

And as daunting as all of that sounds, and as crazy as it makes me (yes, I'll admit it!) the truth still remains: I love it. Yes I do! I'm in a dysfunctional relationship with theology and I ain't going nowhere! So what if I get tossed around a bit every 10 weeks or so, its totally worth it! Even when it feels wrong and I don't know what the hell I'm doing or are going to be doing. Even when I question how I got into this school, let alone am still surviving it. Even when I'm stuck doing what I know I don't want to do and it feels like the walls are closing in and I'm unable to breathe. Even with all of that, I realize that its all worth it. It's all about the life I know I am called to live.

So, to you who after Friday never wanted to see a Theology book in your life, who suddenly developed carpal tunnel during finals week from all that typing and beer bellies from the celebrating after, to you who are now off staring into space and actually believe that being institutionalized might just get you some peace...Have a great Spring Break...Yield...may you find enough sanity to get you through Spring.

Agency

So today I was in Little Tokyo waiting with a friend at a restaurant  when a man walked up and asked loudly, "Is anybody friendly?" There were several of us waiting outside (it was a popular place) and we all just waited quietly for our turns to be seated. Right off the bat, the man sounded a bit aggressive, so (along with everyone else) I decided to ignore his comments. I usually am friendly to others but because of the way he asked the question, I thought it best to simply ignore the situation, in hopes of avoiding a confrontation (besides, my past experiences of answering people's random questions was not pretty). As we ignored him, he continued to ask the question, each time more aggressively. After asking about 3 times, he walked away.

But as he walked passed me he said loudly, "Fine, I can see you're not friendly you fat, nigger, bitch."

Now, as I have said before I was not the only person standing there. In fact, there were at least 10 other people standing in front of the restaurant and most of them stood closer to him than I was, although I was the only African American there. Everyone that was close to the restaurant could hear his comment. As he continued to walk away, he stopped, turned around and said (even louder this time) "see that's whats wrong with the Black Race; they ignore everybody," and continued to walk down the street, offering up other terms towards me that I do not care to name nor remember. I along with the crowd continued to remain silent as if nothing happened.

At first, I tried to shake it off. I do not identify with any of those terms he mentioned so there would be no need to respond. But as I sat there going through what happened in my head, I realized that I couldn't shake it. There was something that bothered me. There was something that hurt.

Later, when I got home, I continued to think about what it was that bothered me so. Was it the fact that he called me a "fat, nigger, bitch?" Well, that was a part of it but not totally. As I began to think about it more, I realized that it wasn't what he called me, but the fact that he pointed me out in the first place. Allow me to explain. As I said before, there were several people outside at the time he walked over to us. All of us heard him, and he spoke as if he was speaking to all of us. And we ALL ignored him. Every person there made the personal decision to ignore his question. But I was the only one called out for it. And not only that, but my decision, my personal decision, was dwindled down to a matter of race. My personal decision was no longer my personal decision but a decision that was based on what this man decided was a stereotype of African Americans. It wasn't the name calling, but the fact that there was no room for my moral agency, my own personal decision. Everyone else in that group had moral agency to not get involved. My moral agency, however, was not a result of my own person but what others thought based on the color of my skin. That is what bothered me.

Now, many of you will read this and think several thoughts. Allow me to tell you what I DON'T want to hear:

1. "just ignore him, you are none of those things." I know that. This is what many people do when they encounter things such as this. I understand that who I am cannot be wrapped up in a simple category or stereotype. But we don't engage racist comments because we identify with them, we engage them because they speak a truth of a system that needs to be changed. How many times have you dwindled a persons actions to their race? I am not saying that people are not shaped by their culture but when we view people's decisions as only a reflection of a (racial) structure that was only constructed to dehumanize those who were "non-white" then something is very wrong here.

2. "why are you bothered by a 'crazy person' anyway?" The only difference between "crazy people" and those who are in power is that "crazy people" have no filters...

3. "I am so sorry that happened to you": Isn't it funny how we use our "empathy" as a way to disengage from the conversation?

Honestly, I am not asking for you comments (although you are more than welcome to share them). What I am asking is that you sit with this. That you really think about what it means to have your moral agency taken from you on account of your race. What does it mean when your personal decisions are always seen as some stereotype? Does it bother you? Does it affect the way you make decisions? There are a number of questions that this situation raises. It is interesting to see how agency is affected by race. Hopefully I can reflect on this more in the future...

My response to creating a polycentric leadership

So today I had the chance to speak at a conference in response to JR Woodward's presentation on Leadership. It was a very interesting and fun time and I wanted to put my response here for those of you who wanted to be there but couldn't. Please keep in mind that it is a response to a presentation. If you want to know more about what JR said you can pick up his book entitled Creating a Missional Culture: Equipping the Church for the Sake of the World.

My Response:


I would like to first thank JR, the Missio Alliance, and the Ecclesia network for allowing me to be here today. I take it as a great honor that I can stand before you all and share some of my thoughts. I found a lot of what JR said to be very interesting and also very encouraging. It is always good to see that we are able to continue to ask questions of ourselves and how we engage the gospel in church leadership, and I am glad to know that there are those of us who are not willing to settle for what has always been but will continue to ask questions and challenge us to be more than we could even think or imagine. What I hope to do in this short time is to bring out some of JR’s points that I appreciated and also to contribute my own “two cents” if you will in hopes to challenge us to further engage what it means to be leaders in the church.

There are two points that I wish to explore in relation to this topic today. The first is the connection between culture and the church, and the second is in relation to diversity within Polycentric leadership. In regards to the first point (culture), JR states that by engaging in “grace-filled spiritual practices” which he defines as a collection of thick, bodily practices that engage our senses, grab our hearts, form our identities and reshape our desires toward God and his kingdom (I like that by the way) we create environments that then lead to creating missional culture. He states “As coworkers with God, we create culture and culture recreates us.” Or in other words, the way in which we live and relate to one another in essence shapes our culture, and in turn our culture shapes the way we live and relate to one another.  This begs the question: In what ways have we allowed the culture to shape the church?  What lines have become blurred and which cultural customs have we simply claimed as our own religious rituals? JR gives an example of this in his presentation when he talks about how the American church has adopted a business mentality. American Capitalism has become so ingrained in our culture and our church that many Pastors run their churches like Fortune 500 companies, and will write books and back it up with proof texts to justify their methods. This method, however, is not biblical and no matter how much they try to convince you; stewardship and capitalism are not the same thing.  Thus, cultural customs have become religious rituals and we are left looking more like disciples of Donald Trump than Jesus.

JR goes on to say, “The language we live in, the artifacts that we make use of, the rituals we engage in and the narratives we inhabit have the power to shape our lives profoundly.” He also states, “For leaders of God’s people uniquely contribute to the cultivation of a culture distinct and different from the dominant culture.” I would ask; where does that leave those who are already not a part of the dominant culture? How is the church participating in other cultures that are not dominant? A good friend told me that we cannot have a conversation about culture without having a conversation about power. Hence the reason we refer to the dominant culture. Who chooses artifacts? Who determines which rituals we engage in or which narratives are formative or which language primary? It is those who are in power, those of the dominant culture. Thus it is imperative for us to understand the distinctions between that culture and what I call the Gospel communal culture. There is something about the Gospel that allows us to not be hindered by our culture in becoming a part of this communal culture. This is not to say that we deny our culture to do so, quite the contrary; the gospel allows us to engage our culture, our traditions, and our narratives for it has been shaped by the gospel story, as we have been claimed by Christ. The dominant culture does not allow this; there is no room for other expressions of culture other than its own. It is hierarchical. It would seem then, that the current state of church has done more adapting to culture than cultivating a different one. It is a good thing there are people in the room who are willing to change that.

In regards to my second point, I must say that I was blessed by the story of the church in Chicago. That picture of viewing a church with the table at the center and those who are giving the word on the margins really is beautiful. But one of the things that I wanted to know was what the preacher was actually teaching? I can only assume that the intention to show inclusion should bleed into the way we speak and live but unfortunately experience cannot let me be that naïve. So if nothing more than an example, I would like to use this church, this beautiful vision, as a way to advocate for the importance of diversity within polycentric leadership.

The basic point in sharing this vision is to show how the medium can be the message, how our actions can speak louder than our words, thus indicating how our leadership structure also sends a message. I agree with this, but only to the extent that the medium and the message are the same. Which is why I wanted to know what the preacher was teaching. Though medium is important as a vehicle to express the message; we cannot fall back on the medium if we are not willing to preach that message. We cannot only count for our actions if we are not willing to be held accountable for our words. This is why diversity within Polycentric leadership is important. If creating a polycentric leadership is the medium, than we must empower those diverse voices in the message. We must allow them to be those prophetic voices that hold our White, male-dominated Western theology accountable to the gospel it is called to preach.

See, we can practice this in demonstration of our services, but do we practice this in our engagement with theology? In other words, we can stand at the edge of the circle and preach, but are we giving those who LIVE on the margins a voice? We can give up our power and positions, become Francisican in our poverty but still preach ideals of a dominant culture. Our positions are not enough. We cannot be polycentric in our function and not in our theology and beliefs. We cannot allow our giving up of our positions justify our words; we must empower those who have no voice, not because they were ever without it, but because it was stolen from them by a top down structure. Creating polycentric leadership amongst those who share the same ideologies and context is not enough. I must challenge you to not become polycentric in your leadership and remain hierarchical in your ideals.

Not only is this not a mission impossible, but I actually have the privilege of being a part of a ministry that practices what they preach. I hope not to take too much of Pastor Kevin Haah’s thunder as I  boast about New City, but it seems like such a great example for what it means to hold both the medium and the message. New City Church of Los Angeles is a church that started about 5 years ago as a vision of Pastor Kevin to create an inclusive, Gospel-centered community in the heart of Los Angeles. But instead of simply gathering friends, or taking a team from his predominately Korean-American church, Kevin decided to create a leadership that reflected the community; both in ethnic diversity and socio-economic representation. And instead of creating a hierarchical leadership, Kevin, along with wise council, created a system of accountability; both for himself and his leaders, that refused hierarchical structures and made room for leaders to emerge that a system of hierarchy would only oppress. The result is a fast-growing, come as you are, gospel preaching, community loving church. And personally, coming from a background of service in churches with a history of glass ceilings for women in ministry, an environment that issued limitations for certain pigmentations and a student loan system that I swear has vowed to keep me in poverty; it is good to know that I can not only find community, but I can have a voice; a place at the table where power is not meant to be horded but shared.

Allow me to conclude by saying that I agree that Polycentric leadership is not only a more biblical model, but allows for those who would otherwise have no voice to speak up. I would encourage Pastors of churches to employ this model, but to be reminded that to be truly polycentric, true diversity is not optional. Thank you.

Sometimes I doubt everything.

Have you ever looked at your faith, everything that you believe and have believed since you can remember and thought..."What if this is all Bullshit?"
Cause I gotta be honest...I do.
As a matter of fact, I'm having that thought right now.
And it's hard, you know, cause you never actually want to admit that a thought like that can cross your mind, but sometimes, if you are really honest with yourself, you'll feel it creep in. Or maybe its never left your mind and it manages to show its face every now and then. But you constantly remind yourself that its OK because it only happens sometimes...
Until "sometimes" becomes "often" and "often" becomes "normal" and the next thing you know you doubt everything.
But hey, that can never happen to me...I'm a Christian.
So even if I do doubt "sometimes" I will never let it get that far...I will always believe.
Yeah, I think that way too...
Now, many of you may be gasping right now thinking, "yep, that's it, Tamisha has officially jumped off the deep end." Please be assured that that hasn't happened. I still believe. I still have faith.
But "sometimes..."
Sometimes I wonder if it is all Bullshit.
So what keeps me grounded then? What keeps me from jumping?
Honestly (and this is where my Charismatic roots come in), I remember the times I experienced God. Times that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God was with me. Present in a situation, or gave me a word that I couldn't have known for someone else or did something so mind blowing that there could simply be no other explanation.
But as I even begin to think about that and about how learning so many things here at Fuller have a way of challenging what you believe I wonder if there will come a time when  there are so many holes in my "theology" that even those experiences begin to slip through the cracks.
So where does that leave me? Holding on to anchors until they're blown to bits by some ideology or praying that I still love Jesus when I graduate?
That's not enough for me.
My faith has to go deeper...
Believing the way I've always believed cannot be the end for me. I have to get to a point where my faith is strong and unmovable.
And I have a feeling that to get there I'm going to have to doubt everything.
I'm going to have to let it go, and trust that after everything has been shaken that the truth will emerge and stand.
I don't want to be the person who fears doubt so much that their belief becomes their truth.
But I don't want to be the person that becomes so disillusioned that doubt becomes their god.
But sometimes...
Sometimes I look at all of this and wonder...
What if it is all Bullshit?