Great. Now that I have your attention.
I'm not crazy...
Well, that's not entirely true, but who's counting?
I'm only writing because I can't seem to focus. This quarter has been really hard on me. I find myself frustrated more often (as is the reason for my previous posts) and have been trying to figure out why. Well I think I know at least a part of it.
It's the voices in my head.
Now, now; lets not get carried away. I do not have voices telling me to do crazy things. What I mean by this is all of the negitivity that I've come against has had a way of eating away at my confidence. Allow me to explain:
I wrote an article for the SEMI about my experience with spiritual abuse this summer. In a nutshell, someone tried to place impossible expectations on me and when I stopped allowing it, they figured it was because I was "out of the will of God." As easy as it was just to re-tell my story; it was hard to write. I had to realize that this article was only a small piece of the discouragement that I've encountered. I didn't realize how much affect it had on me. But as I sit here trying to answer questions in my New Testament class, or write exegitical papers or even read the assigned reading, I realize that those words are still there.
It's really hard to ask questions when no one seems to think they're important enough to answer properly. It's also hard to give your opinion when your opinion has always been disregarded. I remember when I first expressed that I thought I wanted to be a "minister." Instead of encouragement, I got a lecture on what it really means to be "called." In other words; you may think you are, but you are not. Here's another example:
Deacon: what do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: I want to be a writer
Deacon: Well, how are you going to make money?
Me: uh...I'm going to be a writer
Deacon: oh, you just think you are going to get by because you are cute huh?
Me: ....
Eventually I started to internalize the "you are not good enough" language well enough to speak it on my own. Now instead of others telling me I'm not good enough, I just continue to play those stories and others like broken records in my head. When I'm not playing those, I'm playing the ones that say "you have to be the best." or "you need to be better than everyone, even your teachers."
You can only imagine the stress this can create. It's a lose-lose situation. And for some reason, I find that I deal with these voices more often as of late. Why, I'm not sure. But I am praying for those glimpses of soberness to last long enough so that I can at least get some work done.
Eventually, I know I am going to have to learn how to silence those voices of negativity and to embrace who God has truly called me to be. I can only hope that it happens soon...
