This is honest conversation so I'll confess this now:
I'm crying as I write this.
So much so that there will be plenty of typos for me to correct after I'm done. But at this point there is nothing else to do but write.
And for those of you who would ask; no I'm not OK.
I'm tired. And extremely broken.
I made the decision to leave my current church and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For one, I have such a heart for the people there that I couldn't imagine walking away from them. But I had to, or else I wouldn't have survived. There was so much pressure on me that I just couldn't take it anymore. Even after they "re-leaved me of my duties" (I was either hands on or on leadership of almost every ministry; except Men's ministry) there was still the pressure and expectation to be "on" (praying, prophesying, praise and worship, intercessor, etc) and I just couldn't do it. There was just so much going on that I completely broke down. When I told my pastor I was leaving; he completely disagreed, said it was not God's will and in fact was diabolical.
Honestly, I don't even care to get into the details of it. I was extremely hurt by his reaction but not surprised. The whole conversation and "reasoning" behind why I was leaving became about him and not about me. I would say that I've never felt so belittled, but that would be a lie.How many times have I joined churches, eager to help the ministry, only to be worked to near death and than ridiculed for wanting to leave. Now granted, this isn't the way I wanted this to happen. But I couldn't take it anymore! I was dying inside...the pressure was killing me and stress was taking over my body. I know of Pastors who want to talk about how pressure is necessary and how pressure makes the coal into diamond (I've even been guilty of saying that) but lack of sleep,daily migraines, anxiety attacks and lack of focus does not lend itself to be a process of God. I just needed space; and I felt like I was suffocating and there was no way out.
There is way more to this situation, but it is just too deep for me to type. but I can say that I never realized just how broken and tired I was until I stopped. I went to service with a friend this past Sunday and felt like I was going to pass out from spiritual exhaustion. It was there that those last few pieces that were held together by duty began to fall apart. At that point, I was nothing. After the service I went to the guest reception to greet the pastor and immediately I started hearing about their different ministries and small groups and things I might be interested in and I was like "I'm just visiting!" Why is it that we treat people like recruits for a pyramid scheme? "Oh look, you look like you have potential. Why don't you do this or this or that and get a few other people in while you're at it and maybe your status will go up." What ever happened to asking me about me? "How are you? Is there anything I can do to pray for you today?" What ever happened to getting to know people, not for the sake of what they can do for you or the ministry, but just because they are important enough to know? Right now I feel like what I can do is more valuable than who I am to some people. This makes me not want to be apart of church leadership anymore. Right now, I'm even afraid of visiting for fear that I will be bombarded again.
Don't ask me what I can do of what I have to offer cause I just don't have it. I don't remember the last time i was asked how are you by someone who really wanted to know. "I'm not OK. I'm broken and tired and just need a hug and a ear and some extra love and lots of rest and room to grow." I don't know where I am in terms of ministry. I know I don't want to do church leadership for a while. I feel so broken right now that I don't know if I will ever be at a place to give. But I know that I will get there eventually. Maybe. I know that the only place that I feel comfortable to do nothing is at Fuller. When I'm at school, I have the choice not to do something. I don't have to do everything, nor do I have to know how. It's OK if I mess up or don't fully understand something. No one expects me to be "on" all the time. That's the freedom I need in order to grow.
