This is honest conversation so I'll confess this now:
I'm crying as I write this.
So much so that there will be plenty of typos for me to correct after I'm done. But at this point there is nothing else to do but write.
And for those of you who would ask; no I'm not OK.
I'm tired. And extremely broken.
I made the decision to leave my current church and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For one, I have such a heart for the people there that I couldn't imagine walking away from them. But I had to, or else I wouldn't have survived. There was so much pressure on me that I just couldn't take it anymore. Even after they "re-leaved me of my duties" (I was either hands on or on leadership of almost every ministry; except Men's ministry) there was still the pressure and expectation to be "on" (praying, prophesying, praise and worship, intercessor, etc) and I just couldn't do it. There was just so much going on that I completely broke down. When I told my pastor I was leaving; he completely disagreed, said it was not God's will and in fact was diabolical.
Honestly, I don't even care to get into the details of it. I was extremely hurt by his reaction but not surprised. The whole conversation and "reasoning" behind why I was leaving became about him and not about me. I would say that I've never felt so belittled, but that would be a lie.How many times have I joined churches, eager to help the ministry, only to be worked to near death and than ridiculed for wanting to leave. Now granted, this isn't the way I wanted this to happen. But I couldn't take it anymore! I was dying inside...the pressure was killing me and stress was taking over my body. I know of Pastors who want to talk about how pressure is necessary and how pressure makes the coal into diamond (I've even been guilty of saying that) but lack of sleep,daily migraines, anxiety attacks and lack of focus does not lend itself to be a process of God. I just needed space; and I felt like I was suffocating and there was no way out.
There is way more to this situation, but it is just too deep for me to type. but I can say that I never realized just how broken and tired I was until I stopped. I went to service with a friend this past Sunday and felt like I was going to pass out from spiritual exhaustion. It was there that those last few pieces that were held together by duty began to fall apart. At that point, I was nothing. After the service I went to the guest reception to greet the pastor and immediately I started hearing about their different ministries and small groups and things I might be interested in and I was like "I'm just visiting!" Why is it that we treat people like recruits for a pyramid scheme? "Oh look, you look like you have potential. Why don't you do this or this or that and get a few other people in while you're at it and maybe your status will go up." What ever happened to asking me about me? "How are you? Is there anything I can do to pray for you today?" What ever happened to getting to know people, not for the sake of what they can do for you or the ministry, but just because they are important enough to know? Right now I feel like what I can do is more valuable than who I am to some people. This makes me not want to be apart of church leadership anymore. Right now, I'm even afraid of visiting for fear that I will be bombarded again.
Don't ask me what I can do of what I have to offer cause I just don't have it. I don't remember the last time i was asked how are you by someone who really wanted to know. "I'm not OK. I'm broken and tired and just need a hug and a ear and some extra love and lots of rest and room to grow." I don't know where I am in terms of ministry. I know I don't want to do church leadership for a while. I feel so broken right now that I don't know if I will ever be at a place to give. But I know that I will get there eventually. Maybe. I know that the only place that I feel comfortable to do nothing is at Fuller. When I'm at school, I have the choice not to do something. I don't have to do everything, nor do I have to know how. It's OK if I mess up or don't fully understand something. No one expects me to be "on" all the time. That's the freedom I need in order to grow.
I love you, Tamisha. Peace!
ReplyDeleteYour brother from a different mother.
Phil
p.s. Sue's here! yay!!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing Tamisha, this is happening far too often and you are doing the right thing - rest sister, just REST. God doesn't need our help, he's quite capable and equipped to get the job done :).
ReplyDeleteYay, Tam!!! I'm too proud of you to be worried about you. I never trusted your decisions about your life, but I ALWAYS trusted the Spirit of God living inside you. I trusted God would guide you into the truth of how you REALLY feel. Anybody can throw around churchy-phrases like, "I'm blessed and highly favored"; but only the anointed can speak the truth - "I'm tired and sick of being used up by a church that only wants my goodies, and not what God pre-designed for my good."
ReplyDeleteNo need for you to fear visiting other churches. There is a church out there that God has already prepped for your arrival, a group of believers that will pour into you so that you'll be released to go impact the world for Jesus Christ (not necessarily just that particularly body of believers). I could give you a bunch of hyper-religious encouragement right now, but I believe the best advice I can share is this:
1. Always listen to your life. We're not made to sustain migraines and panic attacks. They are clear signals that something's wrong.
2. Don't be afraid to say, "No" or "unh-unh." To anybody.
Love you and I'm proud of you!
Lex
Tamisha,
ReplyDeleteYour story is far too common. I truly believe the Western approach to Christianity and Church is fundamentally flawed. When Churches become program factories that chew people up and spit them out, something is wrong. Jesus invited us to Him and talked about a light burden. While there will be pressure, sacrifice, and hardship following Jesus I dare say these will be easy and flow naturally if we let God do the heavy lifting in us and through us. We are called to abide in God and fruit will come from that. We do not need to produce fruit to earn a right to rest.
I do not know if I have shared this with you yet but I realized (within the first few months at school) that part of the reason God had called me to seminary was to get me to stop doing ministry. I had it so wrong I was hurting myself and others as I tried to serve God. Only very recently have I healed enough to take the baby steps I have been to serve others with my gifts. Know that you are not alone in your journey, that you are loved, and that you are not diabolical.
-Kevin