Trapped...

Have you ever felt like you were in a creative bubble, and you just couldn't create anything? Nothing you attempted was good enough, and you find yourself taking one step forward and three steps back? That's pretty much how I feel now. It's funny, this is the first time in my life that I've actually been vocal about my being an "artist" and wanting to really create and not run away from it. The only problem is that I just can't seem to create anything. I sit and stare at a blank screen or page for a while then realize that it's just a waste of time. As a matter of fact, I am fighting the temptation of just deleting this entire blog, cause for some reason I don't feel like it's good enough.

I don't know what this all means. I want to express myself creatively but I just feel stuck. This has been a huge transition for me and when I finally get to the point where I think I'm ready to step out, I can't produce. Here I am sitting in the midst of worship and I feel....trapped. I'm frustrated because I don't want to feel this way anymore. This whole "creative block" is nothing new, but I feel for the first time that I just want to be free enough and brave enough to express what I know is on the inside. For so long, I've been afraid of letting it out, now when I finally get brave enough to step out, I can't.

Someone asked if I was a singer today. I said yes. They said sing something, and I froze. I couldn't think of a single thing to sing. And I felt so disappointed in myself because for the first time in a long time, I want to pursue music more than ever. Yesterday I went to a friend's birthday party and he asked if I could do a poem. When he asked (a few weeks prior) I was so excited to participate. But by the time the birthday party came, I had nothing. And as I sat and watched my super talented friends be able to freely share their gifts, I wished I could do the same.

I don't know how to break out of this. I don't know what needs to kick or spark to get me going again. But it kind of sucks for a person to finally get to a place where they can say that they are an artist and not be able to create any art. What kind of artist can't create art? I can feel myself doubting again and I'm trying my best to hold on from slipping back into that fearful place but if I don't get a breakthrough soon, I don't know what will happen.....


That is all for now....