Monday, December 29, 2014

End of the Year Reflections Part I: Mirror in my Room

In the next few days I hope to post some poems that reflect some of the thoughts I encounter as it relates to Reflections of the Year. The first is below. Enjoy! And remember to leave comments! 


Mirror in my Room

There is an old mirror in my room
It is dusty
And cracked
Once a year I force myself to stand in front of this mirror
to run my fingers through the stubborn dirt caked upon its surface
to feel the sharpness of the jagged edges against my skin
the pain as the skin gives in under the pressure
releasing streaks of red

Once a year I present my most vulnerable self
I stare at my own broken, filthy reflection
And as the tears stream down my face
I repeat these words:
You are beautiful. 

It never matters if the tears are of joy or pain
Or both
The reflection is always the same

There is an old mirror in my room
It is dusty
and cracked
and it only reflects beauty.

Monday, December 8, 2014

I Wish

I wish I was better than I am.
I wish I listened more.
I wish I was less fearful of the woman I can become
and less comfortable with the ways in which I have already settled.

I wish I was less hesitant in saying how I feel
and more careful in my judgements.
I wish I laughed more
     and cried more too
I wish I wasn't so numb.

I wish I could do all of the things I set out to do.
I wish I didn't make such a long list.
I wish that this time will be different,
I wish I could see how all the other times were too.

I wish I was better at hoping for the best than preparing for the worst.
I wish I had a better understanding of why I still had faith.
I wish I understood why wishes were worth wishing in the first place.

I wish you could see me
     truly see me.
I wish I could see you too.



Monday, August 11, 2014

A reflection of a great loss..

There are tearful smiles on the faces of many as we mourn one who we can only remember as the one who brought us joy. It is a difficult time of even the farthest of acquaintances, and yet I being among those on the outskirts trying to catch a glimpse felt the need to write even as I process the news. It is heartbreaking to think of the death of a loved one, and we are left with broken hearts as we try to stretch our minds to the limits in an attempt to understand the intentions of a man who took his own life. 

"Genie, you are free." The tweet reads. Yes, in some ways we believe that death is freedom from a painful life, but how often in this belief do we drown out the voices of those saying, "free? What about this freedom? I would like that too." In our swiftness to recognize the end of another's pain we forget that our stance may give others permission to seek their own freedom and to find it.  

My prayer tonight is not just for the family of Robin Williams, though I do pray that in this time of unquestionable grief that they do find a peace that passes understanding. My prayer is also for those who feel that their brokenness is too deep for this life to bear. I pray that they don't see death as a freedom from their pain, but that they see a life that gave so much joy. I pray that they find help, and in that...hope. I pray that stories like this won't just leave us standing only to remember the life that was lost but to look for and help those who are slipping. 

There is no easy way to do this, but no one ever said that the hard way was ineffective. May we continue to press down that hard way, carrying those who don't have the strength to continue. 

It's what the genie would've wished for. 

Thursday, May 15, 2014

What I'm "doing" after graduation

So I've had five people ask me the same question today:

What are you doing after graduation?

Each time they asked, I could see this spark of hope in their eyes, or could see it between the lines of an email. It was a hope that demanded an answer that was as ambitious as they've made me out to be.

It was also a question that made my heart sink just a little each time I heard it.

Not because I'm any less ambitious then they imagine or because I have any less hope. But mostly because, at the moment, reality has hope in a headlock chocking its air flow and every time that question is asked reality's grip gets a little bit tighter.

Of course, that's not what I say to people when they ask (no one wants a Debbie Downer), but its there, behind every weary smile and rehearsed explanation. Its a reality that I know I am not alone in, so I figured it would be a good time to take to the blog to spark some conversations about the topic. Allow me to share some of my thoughts, frustrations, and hopefully wisdom to those who are set to graduate in the near future.

1. More hours and energy in a day please!
I think the difficult part of this is trying to find a balance between finishing strong on your current responsibilities while trying to have time and energy to find new ones. Between school work, my job with the ASC, not to mention having senioritis and just not having much energy after 3 years of  pretty much going full time, it is difficult to find the time and energy it takes to find a job in this market (especially in this field).
Word of advice: start now! think about the kind of job you want and start working on it now (resume, cover letters, research). Even though I started thinking about this months ago, the amount of energy needed to finish and the amount you will need to find a job is just too much to do in a year even, so start early.

2. What I want to do vs. what's available
This balance is the hardest one in my opinion. I know what I WANT to do, what I have passion for, but the reality is that you will usually need to pay your rent before you find your dream job. Could I find a job in a university/college/seminary or organization or business that connects theology and the arts/culture and allows me to have space to prepare for PhD study? Of course! Could it happen in the next four weeks before graduation? Sure it can! But I have to be realistic in knowing that it might not. What are my skills? What gets me in the door? What's available right now that can give me financial breathing room so I can take time to find what I want?
Word of advice: if you can, set aside some money to hold you over for at least a few months after graduation. I didn't do that, and I'm kicking myself for it now.

3. Be realistic about what doesn't work
Someone asked if I thought about working at Starbucks or retail. While I'm not opposed to those jobs as they pay the bills like everyone else, I know myself and I know that I would be miserable. I know some folks say that you should be willing to do ANYTHING to get to where you want to go, but lets be honest here: I didn't get a MDiv so I could work at Starbucks. Unless I'm going into cafĂ© ministry, that is not what I thought of when I signed up. Now, this is not to say anything negative about anyone who did go the Starbucks route or that I myself wouldn't take the job if I needed it. What I'm saying is that its OK if I'm willing to fight for what I want and what I don't. If working in those areas fit your skills and passions for the time being: go for it! But don't be afraid to say that they don't.
Word of advice: know yourself. The more you know about your skills and passions, the better prepared you can be when it comes to finding that "place-holder" job that will pay the bills while you work on your plan. You want to continue to engage the skills you will use in your dream job if you can. Even if it is not as much money, you will be better for it.

4. Relationships!
So I have a few meetings set up before the end of the year that I hope will give some clarification on what to do next (and a job would hurt either). It's hard, because you can't go into those meetings with any real hopes other than the information and feedback you requested in the first place, but deep down you wish for one of those day-dream sequences where the person has a pot of gold or at least your dream job offer or something. And I'm trying to realize and hold onto the fact that job offer or not, I am going to leave each meeting with something valuable: the establishment of a relationship. Whoever said "its who you know" about Hollywood must have worked in every industry ever created. Relationships are what get jobs. That's good news. But relationships take time. This is not always good news 4 weeks away from graduation.
Word of advice: use those relationships you have established throughout your time at Fuller (or wherever). A warm hand-off is always better than a cold email or call. Know that Faculty, Administration and Staff want you to succeed and will often have ways for you to connect to those who do what you could only dream of doing. Don't be afraid to say: I need help! (by the way, this is me saying it.)


While these four points can't sum up my frustration as panic mode is starting to set in, what I can say is that the hardest thing to do out of all of these is to trust God. That's what all of this really comes down to. Can I say that after I've done all that I can do that I can stand and trust God? I could, but I wouldn't be telling the whole truth and nothing but. Though this process of off-and-on panic I realized that I cling just a little bit tighter to anticipated disappointment than the possibility of things working out. Simple advice won't fix that: only prayer and trusting God can. I can only pray that the grace and peace of God will allow me to loosen my grip on that rock of disappointment and open my eyes to see what he has already provided during my time here, and let that be my foundation for what he can and will do in time to come.

So, what am I doing after graduation you ask?
I don't know. I can only be as prepared as I can and trust that God will allow the rest to fall into place. Please think of me in your prayers, and I will do the same.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Poetic response to Q: Part I

So during my time at Q I've experienced a richness of information in the presentations and talk backs, so much so that I could go on and on about it. But, in valuing the time restricted format, I thought it would be fun (and a bit of a challenge) to respond in a simular way; by trying to capture some of the presentations in Haiku form. Each Haiku is named after the title of the presentation. Not all of them are listed here, but I hope I captured some of the essence of these amazing talks. Feel free to share (but tag me via Facebok, Twitter, etc) and leave a comment. How do you respond? 


Questions
One should seek to ask
Celebrate and cultivate
Cruciform living 

Religious Freedom
We only flourish
When the vulnerable ones
Are free to believe

Manners
Be intentional
In your actions toward others. 
This is your soul poise

Achieving Unity
We like all things "us"  
What if all were simply us?
No more us and them

Hookup Culture
Hookups are whatevs
But we all want to be loved
Teach us to slow down

Defining Love
Are there ever times
When love cries out hosanna
Does love need saving?

Religion of the Academy
Agents of culture
Are always in danger of
Making themselves god

Inspiring the Next Generation
Privilege is access
We need a theory of change
And the right to choose

Prophetic Minority
Speak the words of truth
For a strange world has come as
A scandal and cross

Postracial Blues
Who said it was done?
The rebirth of racism
At the churches hands 

Two Unlikely Friends
Through the pain of loss
We see our humanity
We find each other 

Taking vs. receiving
You seek ambition
I wanna see you be brave
Redeem the third wave 

Reclaiming Masclulinity
Where are manly men?
Let us reclaim our purpose
Give glory to God

Mental Health
Thoughts are trees planted
By rivers of love, not fear
Think accordingly 

More to come!...






Monday, February 24, 2014

Senioritis: A Poem

There is a fatigue that has set up residence in my bones
and I don't have the strength to tell em that the lease is up.
RIP Focus
RIP determination
RIP any faculty that would lend to productivity
I will miss you.
But I am ready to move on.
Now, Distraction keeps me company,
Shenanigans brings me meals every day,
and Idleness holds me tight and sings me to sleep.
And Fatigue...
it has set up residence in my bones
and I don't want em to leave

Thursday, January 30, 2014

The kids table: African-Americans and global theology

Tonight I had the chance to go to a discussion on the conversation of global theology. The discussion comprised of five speakers who gave their perspective on various aspects of global theology. As I listened to the rich discussion of ideas, particularly feedback concerning the western theology versus those of the non-Western theology, I couldn't help but think about my own experience as an African-American. What I found that was interesting was that my experience particularly as an African-American was nonexistent in the Western versus non-western ideology. As I pondered on it further I couldn't help but make the connection to those large Sunday or holiday dinners where there's a large table for the adults to eat and discuss, while the kids table is off to the side. It is in light of this analogy that I would like to offer my thoughts on the African-American experience in light of this discussion. 

What is global theology?
This is a good question. I particularly like the answer that Tommy Givens gave when he spoke about the dangers of claiming a worldview, a theology or an ideology that seeks to claim the world in its entirety. This simply cannot be done. What I took away to be a global theology is the aspect that our theology is influenced and critiqued by a multiplicity of voices that represent various parts of the world, and no one voice claims to be dominant over the other (this sounds very postmodernist me now that I think about it). Global theology is allowing all of those voices to come to the table and to speak into the tradition that we have received from their own perspectives. 

A place at the table
This brings me back to the analogy. If global theology is a place at the table where goods and riches are shared equally and discussion includes everyone, then the African-American experience in light of the Western versus non-western ideology does not have a place at the table but is what I would call the kids table.

The kids table is a place in which the goods are shared (to an extent) but the participants are not allowed equal or any right into the discussion despite the fact that the implication of those discussions directly affects them. They are merely lumped together into the perspectives and ideologies of the "parent", despite the fact that they in and of themselves have their own perspective. 

Western versus non-Western
Before I go into the extreme dangers of this type of understanding of the African-American experience, I must take a look at what it means when we say "Western versus non-Western". This very notion came up in discussion after the panel and I resonate with the uneasiness of these categories. And so, I shall post my uneasiness with the question; could these categories of Western versus non-Western reinforce the pedestal of western theology even if only as a glorified villian? This is not to take away from the history of dominance and oppression that the Western theology has had on the rest of the world in any way, but I wish to merely point out this sweeping notion that occurs for both categories and that can cause problems if we continue to use them so distinctly, overlooking the complexities and messiness that they bring. 

My particular concern as it relates to the African-American culture is the fact that the African-American culture gets swept up into a western theology and in the sense is not only negated of its own voice but charged with the same notions and oppressions that it itself has experienced.  Is an African-American theology free from grasp and the temptations of a western theology? Of course not. It is, as Tommy suggests, the underbelly of western theology, that is, its development in the mist of the darkness and oppression that American western theology attempts to deny.  And it is this very position that places it in a particularly unique state to critique the western theology that it finds itself embedded in. It is, in a sense, the child that knows all too well of the family dysfunction but is unable to participate in lending their perspective because they have been both swept into the perspective of the parent and denied and under estimated as a result. 

I am sure there's a lot more to be said about this, but it is late and I'm tired so I'll just leave my final concerns and questions below:
1. In what ways do the categories of Western versus non-Western overlook the particular experience of African-Americans?
2. Do you agree with the fact that African-Americans have been placed at "the kids table" or do you think that African-Americans should even have a place in the discussion concerning global theology?

I guess my concern would be the preservation of the black prophetic tradition in light of these discussions. Not to say that other discussions are not important but I don't want the African-American experience to either get swept up as a subset of western theology or swept up as a subset of African theology, denying the double consciousness that has been the result of the re-created culture and life of Africans in America. This presents a whole range of messy questions that I am too tired to list here, but consists of the importance of the African-American experience on a global scale and the concept of allowing other voices have been denied to speak into the discussion (and then saying this I am thinking particularly of the non-Western experience, to use the language from tonight)

Okay that is all. Not sure if this makes sense to come back at me with your thoughts.