A Prayer

I've been feeling down lately. I can't seem to name it, and that does nothing but frustrate me more. A friend of mine said I should pray. I thought about it, and remembered how much I used to write prayers to God. I decided to post this one, in case someone might relate:

Dear God,
I don't think I can do this much longer. I'm as my friend would say, "on the ledge." I don't feel like I'm connecting with this stuff, and as before I feel like I'm getting caught up in the particulars (which I also can't seem to name). I feel like I'm having to struggle in all of my classes; not to simply produce good work, but to understand and wrap my mind around the big picture. It just seems like there is something every quarter that I have to deal with, and in some ways I feel like I'm reaching my breaking point.
I guess it just seems that these things are so big, with so much history, so intricately woven into the fabric of society that I can't ever possibly do anything to set a new prescient for the future. I know I'm only one person and it is not by my might or power but by your Spirit, but I feel like I'm even struggling to embody what that looks like. Your glory is too great for this broken vessel, and I am not sure that I will be able to withstand the pressure that this tasks demands.
Maybe my friend is right, maybe I do always try to carry the world on my shoulders. But, to be honest, my concept of "letting go and letting God" is changing. I can no longer sit passively and not speak against injustice. But I can't seem shake the weight that is so easily besetting me.

Lord, teach me your ways. Allow me to see the way that your Spirit is driving my very situation. It would seem that I've arrived at a point where I can't even know exactly what to pray for, and I need your Spirit not just to provide your solution, but your judgment to name the problem. Give me clarity as I approach my studies; so that I may no longer be lost in the details, but that your Spirit is always informing, always teaching, always speaking. Give me boldness so that I will not be ashamed of who you made me; even when I feel like the minority. Give me peace in knowing that your place for me is here. Give me wisdom to know when to slow down, stop, and just be still in your presence. I do not want to go through the motions of learning about you and find that I am further from you. Draw me closer to your presence; both in times of prayer and in community. Allow me to see how my own transformation is contingent on your church also being transformed (and vice versa).

May your grace and mercy be the glue that holds this broken vessel together...

a minor breakdown

My head hurts.

I cant seem to shut my brain off. I feel so bombarded by all of these negative thoughts about myself; how I should be performing, always on, never ending.

and I cant seem to stop.

I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do about it. I don't even know what brought this on really; I was fine just a minute ago. And now it seems as if the walls are closing in and I'm unable to breathe.

And my headache is getting worse.

Then I start thinking of all that needs to be accomplished. I gotta start my weeks reading. I want to be sure to put up a good post. I gotta start studying for my midterm, and what about final papers? It s just too much at once.

And I cant seem to get my brain to stop.

I just want to be silent. I don't even know what that sounds like right now.

And somehow, writing is the only way I'm keeping my sanity.

God, why did you give me such a lonely gift?

I feel so alone..so separate from everyone. I just want to belong. Be a part of something.

But I am apart of something. I do belong. Don't I?

Why won't the truth seep in? What callous have I produced that would block the community I so desperately need?

I just want a hug.

I can't do this. I'm putting too much pressure on myself and I don't know how to stop. This time last year I was having major headaches because I couldn't live up to the perfection that was demanded of me.

And now my head still hurts.

I need community. But I have community. Maybe I just need to accept it

I just want to be normal but I have to do my best and I'm scared that it won't be enough and that I'm not good enough...what am I doing here and why do people think I'm so great cant they see I'm just messed up and why can't I see whats great in me and oh how I wish I didn't feel so alone

WHY IS MY WRITING THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME SANE?

God, why did you give me such a lonely gift?

untitled

I just came back from dinner with two of my friends. It was a great dinner; I had great food and got the chance to hear great stories about people who had blessed them through love, especially during their time at Fuller.
But when I got home...I cried.
Because I didn't have any stories to share.
This is even hard for me to write this now; because all I could remember is how much I wanted to bring something to the conversation. But I couldn't.
They talked about their grandparents and how they made them feel so loved and special. I never knew any of my grandparents. My grandfather passed in November. I never knew him and he never knew me. I remember participating in a funeral of a man I didn't know but felt like I should have. It was hard hearing all of the stories of his other family and how much he meant to them. I would never have those stories to tell.
Then they talked about the amazing people who were interested in what they were doing; sending them letters and encouraging them on. And again I was silent. Because I couldn't think of one letter, or one care package, or one check, or one random word of encouragement from someone who I knew believed in what I was doing. Someone to take the time to ask "how are you?" and mean it. To actually be excited about my goals or dreams, or at least cared enough to pretend to be excited because I was.
And I dont know about you; but for me its the loneliest place in the world.
Now don't get me wrong; I have amazing friends here at Fuller and have the chance to have amazing conversations. But man I'd give a right arm to just have someone (a mentor, parent, something) to actually give a damn. To actually want to know what was going on with ME. To cheer me on, send words of encouragement, something.
I remember when I was in undergrad. I wanted so bad for my mom to send me a care package. You know, like on that Jiff commercial when the girl gets the random things from her mother (peanut butter being one). It wasn't so much about the cost or anything; just that someone took the time to know what meant something to you and showed they cared by sending it (even the smallest thing). And even though my mother lived about 15 minutes away from my dorm I waited. And it never came.
I know this is a really depressing blog but I don't know, I just want someone in my corner. One of my things to do this year was to find a mentor. And, I don't know if that's happened exactly yet. I mean, there are a couple who I would look to as a mentor, but there is still a part of me that holds back; not fully letting people in. I don't know, maybe I'm just scared that it will be too good to be true.
I guess there is no real way to end this blog except to say that I really wanted to participate in that conversation tonight during dinner. I wanna know that there are people who have been where I want to go and genuinely take an interest in getting to know me. It's one thing to have friends who are going through it with you, but I'm not sure how much longer I can make it without other aspects of community (like a coach to lead you or people to cheer you on).