The truth about me...and maybe you too.

Hi. My name is Tamisha Tyler.

 I am size 16 to 18. 

My butt is slightly smaller than I'd like and my stomach is bigger than I would imagine it to be. 

My arms flap when I wave and I secretly wish I was a couple inches taller so maybe then my dreams of being a model would be more based in reality.

 My teeth are crooked and it took me a long time to learn to smile and laugh freely. 

My middle name is Anquonette. 

I've always secretly hated my middle name; it takes too long to spell, so I tell myself that Tamisha A. Tyler would be a better writers name. 

I've always wanted to be a writer, but I always fear that I will never have anything to say. 

My friends say that I am a good leader but I often questioned whether or not they believe it.

Maybe because I'm still learning to.

 I'm single, and I don't want to be. 

But I can't figure out how to get a date. 

There are moments that I doubt everything that I believe, but I am afriad to tell anyone in fear that my spoken words will become a confirmation of a truth that I cannot face. 

I like to drink beer and eat cupcakes....at the same time

I wonder if I'm smart enough to actually get into the PhD program and I'm more afraid of the answer being yes. 

I'm afraid to say that I actually like my life is right now in fear that my words will speed up an impending doom confirming the fact that I don't deserve it. 

I don't remember how to ride a bike

I wish I had really cool smart things to say in a blog or paper but I can't seem to get past my own stupid thoughts, so I just write blogs; a stream of consciousness that makes no sense and hope and pray that somebody will read it. 

This would be one of those.

Spring Break Blues

Have you ever felt like the walls were closing in? Like no matter how much you screamed or yelled, the space around you continued to get smaller and smaller? Your heart starts racing and you start realizing that its hard to breathe, but it doesn't matter anyway because your entire being is about to be crushed and there is nothing you can do about it?

Me neither. But at least I got you listening.

I started writing this blog feeling that way but as I wrote I realized, "wait, my situation isn't THAT bad." I mean, yeah, I'm really frustrated right now, I have fears and doubts and hang-up's up the wazoo but it doesn't mean that my life is over. It just means that living it isn't going to come as easy as I thought it would, or as easy as I'd like it to.

So, I'm on Spring Break, and to be honest it feels more like Spring Yield. "Hey you over there! Yes you, who just locked yourself in a library and spilled your precious little brain cells (whatever you had left that is) into a word document that could never amount to your actual intelligence, all for a grade that will determine if you really got a bang for your buck (yes all $1400 of them). Yes you, who stuffed yourself with caffeine  carbs and alcohol (which if you drank porters also include more caffeine and carbs) only to gain 5 pounds and take one step closer to diabetes.  Yes you, who can no longer think straight and realizes that you have only 8 days or so to prepare for the next 11 weeks of hell... Have a great Spring Break!"

And as daunting as all of that sounds, and as crazy as it makes me (yes, I'll admit it!) the truth still remains: I love it. Yes I do! I'm in a dysfunctional relationship with theology and I ain't going nowhere! So what if I get tossed around a bit every 10 weeks or so, its totally worth it! Even when it feels wrong and I don't know what the hell I'm doing or are going to be doing. Even when I question how I got into this school, let alone am still surviving it. Even when I'm stuck doing what I know I don't want to do and it feels like the walls are closing in and I'm unable to breathe. Even with all of that, I realize that its all worth it. It's all about the life I know I am called to live.

So, to you who after Friday never wanted to see a Theology book in your life, who suddenly developed carpal tunnel during finals week from all that typing and beer bellies from the celebrating after, to you who are now off staring into space and actually believe that being institutionalized might just get you some peace...Have a great Spring Break...Yield...may you find enough sanity to get you through Spring.