As I embark on the third week of this new quarter, I find myself becoming a little skeptical. What the hell am I doing here again? I find myself questioning everything, but having no real interest in the answer itself. I'm getting frustrated in the fact that I find myself drowning in the particulars; that is, surrounded by the "facts" and "points" of what makes up this whole "theology thing" but cant seem to see the exit to where all this stuff makes sense or will actually be of use to me. I find myself disinterested in the material presented to me (hence the reason I'm typing this blog during class) and completely detached at it's implied results (whatever those may be). Is this what seminary does to you? Strips you of your desire to know God and replaces it with facts about what other people think about God? Kills your "passion for His name" and replaces it with the principles of man? I can only hope that that is not my fate, but can't help but to notice the symptoms that lend to this diagnosis.
So what then? Do I just continue down this road and follow it to the depths of wherever it may lead? What does this "disinterest" really say about where I am right now? How do I "overcome" this and is it really worth overcoming? Granted, I would like to get something out of this, but my point for being here is nothing to do with grades (though it is a part) or knowledge (though that also is a part). I am simply a girl who made a vow to follow her God to the ends of the Earth. How that got me to seminary, I have no clue.
So, I can only hope that the passion I once had for God, His Word, His People, and all that includes will be reignited again.Cause for some reason, life has seemed to put a dampening on that fire, and I find myself "blowing smoke" in efforts to regain that passion. Maybe that passion has past, and a new passion is now required for this new season. Again, I am not sure. I can only hope that the rekindling will happen soon, before the smoldering ends...
Tamisha - you are not alone. I just had this conversation with Steph last night. Care to meet for lunch before class on Wed. to discuss?
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm off work so we can meet up after chapel if you want
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely not alone. Just finished a three hour prayer time trying to rekindle my fire. It was the exact same thing that was on my heart this morning and you articulated it so well. I wish I could join you guys on the discussion but maybe we can have one of our own sometime. All I can say is I feel ya and I feel ya!
ReplyDeleteTamisha,
ReplyDeleteIf you are certain God brought you here to finish a degree then overcome and trust that either your seminary education or your time here will be of benefit.
If God has not brought you here dis-enroll immediately and save yourself from debt and wasted stress and time.
This is my honest advice to anyone who struggles with the "point" of seminary.
-Kevin
Kevin:
ReplyDeleteI am indeed certain that God has brought me here for such a time as this. With that being said, the struggle with "overcoming" and "trusting" is not anywhere near easy. I am not saying that it should be, but it is indeed a struggle. I believe that everyone who is told to "go to this land" with no further explanation will question along the way. There is that time where the vision becomes foggy, and the pieces of the puzzle that you do have just don't seem to fit together like you thought they did. It is in that time where doubt is the loudest and you begin to question the journey altogether. I guess the point I'm trying to make in all of this is that everyone goes through that struggle. I guess the question then becomes how to overcome it.
Hey Tamisha, i definitely know the feeling (No seriously). I simply refer to it as boredom in content that won't help me in my past experiences nor my future. Nevertheless, since I must be here (to get the degree) for what I want to do later in life I keep my favorite writers or soul igniters close to me so that there is an over-abundance of oil in the lamp when school doesn't deliver. What is mostly provided in academia just simply can't do that for me. This is now my 6th and hopefully final year of going through this loving God but hating school relationship so I just want to encourage you that you do not have to lose your passion just because this isn't how you learn best. If most people who know me would say that I lack passion for God's love then you can disregard everything that I say here. But, it was said of the Apostles that people saw that they we're uneducated but realized that their power had come from spending time with Jesus. Although we may get some education we must realize that our formal education is not our only source of power... Curtis
ReplyDelete