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God, why do I feel so inadequate? Why am I so afraid to be who I am? Besides the fact that I don’t know who that is… It’s funny, when I really think about it; fear has always been my strongest and most dependable emotion. In a sense, it has become my adrenaline. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to separate who I am from being afraid. It’s not like I don’t have anything to say, but for the first time in a long time; I don’t know how to say it. I feel like every question I have is a stupid question and every answer isn’t a good enough answer and every comment doesn’t really contribute anything to the conversation. But what’s worse; I know that that way of thinking is wrong. I am fully “aware” that there is no truth to that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to walk out. I have become silenced by my own reality and how I see myself. 

God, I feel trapped. On one hand, there are so many ideas and concepts to explore about Theology and Culture and the Bible and Church and a million other things; and I get so excited about them. But my fear then becomes the fact that no matter how much research I do, or how many papers or articles I write, that I will never be able to come to a conclusion worthy of sharing amongst peers and especially not among professors. That no matter how many A’s I get; they will never be enough to qualify me. Maybe that’s why writing has become my first language. Maybe communicating through writing is my way of separating myself from anything “wrong.” Maybe it’s my way of dodging the looks on people’s faces when they don’t agree, or when I’m not making any sense, or when I stick my foot in my mouth. I know that none of this is true (in who you have called me to be) but it’s how I feel. How am I supposed to accomplish anything feeling and living this way?