The Prompt: Respond to your mother sending you a message that says "I miss you."
I Miss(ed) You by Tamisha A. Tyler
"I think I figured you out now."
There were equal parts joy and relief in her voice as she says this. I imagine she is sitting at her kitchen table in Long Beach, her favorite place to talk on the phone. I am standing in my kitchen in Pasadena, leaning against the sink counter, quiet. It has been about a week since our argument during my sister's birthday weekend. I remember the yelling. Her tears. My anger. I could still feel it now.
"I didn't know that I missed you all that time."
"It's fine mom. I get it. You were a single mom of six kids and you had a lot on your plate and..."
"No, do not make excuses for me. It was wrong, and I am sorry."
But I was right. And I did understand. Anyone would. A young single mother with six children, including infant twins, is bound to forget something now and again. But it was her forgetfulness that tricked me into questioning my significance. My existance.
I remember those days like they were yesterday. I was always excited to see her. To talk about my day. But mostly to just stare at her. To watch her as she smoked her cigarette and made her coffee; her daily after work routine. Stared so long till she'd reply "Girl what are you looking at?" and I'd get scared and scurry back into the room that my 5 siblings and I shared. It wasn't that I was scared of her (don't get me wrong, everybody was), I just never knew how to answer the question.
My mother worked at a convalescent home as a cook at the time. Some days she would bring us all ice cream that she received from her job. Those were the best days. Until she forgot.
"Girl, you are so quiet I forgot you were here. Go share with your brother."
Those were the days that tricked me into questioning.
Those were the days that fueled the anger that started the argument in the first place.
I could still feel it now.
But something happened in that moment as I leaned on my kitchen counter listening to my mother apologize for those days.
We made an agreement to talk to each other on the phone once a week. All she wanted was to hear from me. To know how I was doing.
"I miss you" she says.
She wants more than just hearing about my day. She wants me; her daughter, the quiet one who buried herself in books and ran off to college never looking back. The one who never calls home. The one she couldn't be prouder of. The one who frustrates her to no end.
She misses me.
She knows that more than ever, because she realized that she missed me.
"I've figured you out now," she says, with equal parts relief and sadness.
We talk a while, laugh a bit, catch up on things and promise to make a habit of calling. I try really hard to remember to call. Our conversations are rich. I didn't realize how much I missed her too.
But she still owes me ice cream.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Sunday, April 3, 2016
30 Day Writing Challenge Day Three: My greatest Challenge
Prompt: Write about your greatest challenge
My Greatest Challenge by Tamisha A. Tyler
Most times, we assume a challenge to be a negative thing. They are the enemy to progress, a hindrance to the accomplishments we seek to pursue. Because of this, we do what we always do when we face our enemies: we run or we fight. Regardless of which reaction we choose, the goal becomes clear: remove the challenge from our life so that we can achieve that moment of accomplishment.
My greatest challenge is my fear of myself.
You can imagine how the task of fleeing or fighting becomes problematic.
Is it fear that I am facing, or myself? Whether fighting or fleeing, I find myself in a paradox. To face the challenge in the only way I know and lose myself, or to ignore it and never actually become.
But what if it was the very definition of a challenge that changed? What if a challenge wasn't something to flee or fight, but the resistance that aided in the quest of the accomplishment? My challenge may be my enemy, but what if I learned to love it? To invite it in, offer it a cool drink, soft seat and lovely conversation? What would it teach me?
I am afraid of who I am becoming...
My Greatest Challenge by Tamisha A. Tyler
Most times, we assume a challenge to be a negative thing. They are the enemy to progress, a hindrance to the accomplishments we seek to pursue. Because of this, we do what we always do when we face our enemies: we run or we fight. Regardless of which reaction we choose, the goal becomes clear: remove the challenge from our life so that we can achieve that moment of accomplishment.
My greatest challenge is my fear of myself.
You can imagine how the task of fleeing or fighting becomes problematic.
Is it fear that I am facing, or myself? Whether fighting or fleeing, I find myself in a paradox. To face the challenge in the only way I know and lose myself, or to ignore it and never actually become.
But what if it was the very definition of a challenge that changed? What if a challenge wasn't something to flee or fight, but the resistance that aided in the quest of the accomplishment? My challenge may be my enemy, but what if I learned to love it? To invite it in, offer it a cool drink, soft seat and lovely conversation? What would it teach me?
I am afraid of who I am becoming...
30 Day Writing Challenge: Day Two
The Prompt: Write a poem on Snails
Snail by Tamisha A. Tyler
Some have called me critical. By my very nature I would disagree
Never knowing any better, I have hurt those I love too often, and loved those who have hurt me too quickly
Advance(s) have been made, I assume, but no one can really determine how close they are to an unknown destination
In all of this, we find that plans worth making will fail and spontaneity is always curated by someone
Life is never about figuring it out, only by doing
This statement may be true, but only the future will know for sure
Some just like to take their time
Snail by Tamisha A. Tyler
Some have called me critical. By my very nature I would disagree
Never knowing any better, I have hurt those I love too often, and loved those who have hurt me too quickly
Advance(s) have been made, I assume, but no one can really determine how close they are to an unknown destination
In all of this, we find that plans worth making will fail and spontaneity is always curated by someone
Life is never about figuring it out, only by doing
This statement may be true, but only the future will know for sure
Some just like to take their time
Friday, April 1, 2016
30 day Writing Challenge Day One
Today marks the first day of a self-imposed 30 day writing challenge.
The challenge: Write everyday for 30 days using daily prompts. No editing. No judging your writing. It will be bad, and that's OK. The point is not to write great pieces, but simply to write. Hopefully by the end of the challenge I will have cultivated some sort of daily writing habit that I can build on.
The Prompt:
Day One: Write a short story where every sentence begins with the letter "A"
The Process:
I never thought I was very good at short stories so I knew this was going to be a bad one. It wasn't that difficult to come up with words that began with the letter "A," although I didn't use many. I had more trouble trying to create flow in the story, or even figuring out what story to tell. It is very hard to share something so bad. I am very much out of "writing" shape.
Did you try the prompt? How did it go for you?
The challenge: Write everyday for 30 days using daily prompts. No editing. No judging your writing. It will be bad, and that's OK. The point is not to write great pieces, but simply to write. Hopefully by the end of the challenge I will have cultivated some sort of daily writing habit that I can build on.
The Prompt:
Day One: Write a short story where every sentence begins with the letter "A"
"Awesome," she says, rolling her eyes. Anyone with a lick of common sense could see the sarcasm dripping from her response. Although to her dismay, her friends did not seem to get the point. "As I was saying," she continued, "I just think we are rushing into this."
Apparently, she was in the minority. As fate would have it, Ashley was out voted, and the wine and hot air balloon trip was booked. A few weeks later, a stone faced Ashley was practically pushed into the hot air balloon basket and trapped in a corner for fear of her escape. As the balloon began to take off, she made herself as small as possible, a bottle of red wine in her lap. About half way through the bottle, she gathered enough courage to stand and look at the view.
"Amazing" she slurred loudly. Ashley was known for two things: her fear of heights and being a lightweight drinker. As she finished off the bottle, she attempted to recreate the famous Titanic scene screaming "I am the queen of the world!"
Ashley was pronounced dead at the scene. Accidental fall from a hot air balloon, the headline read.
The Process:
I never thought I was very good at short stories so I knew this was going to be a bad one. It wasn't that difficult to come up with words that began with the letter "A," although I didn't use many. I had more trouble trying to create flow in the story, or even figuring out what story to tell. It is very hard to share something so bad. I am very much out of "writing" shape.
Did you try the prompt? How did it go for you?
Friday, February 12, 2016
For the Lonely Ones
For the lonely ones
The invisible ones
The rejected ones
For the heartbroken
The widowed
The recently separated
The divorced
For the ones hiding in the shadows of abuse
For the ones who want to love but will lose everything if
they do
For the ones whose love has been betrayed
And for the ones who can only love in secret
I stand with you in solidarity as we say
This shit sucks
May you find that with any time of celebration
There is also a time of grief
Of loss
Of coming to terms with the imperfections and disappointments
Of staring life in the face and seeing only yourself
But may you also find love
Not the knight in armor fairy tale kind of love
Unless that’s your thing
As we are
all hopeless romantics
But may you find the kind of love that cries as hard as it
laughs
That is willing to share the last bit of food
But let you
keep all the good wine
The kind that is unafraid of your darkness,
Your bullshit mood swings, bad taste in movies
Or your non existent thigh gap
May you find the clumsy
Often misguided, sometimes disappointing
Imperfect love that we all operate in, really
We are all imitators after all…
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Depression, Purpose and Waiting on Life: An Advent Confession
This blog is dedicated to my little sister, Brandy. I may not always be able to give you awesome things, but all that I have is the example of my life, and I hope that facing my own fears and letting my own light shine will give you permission to do the same.
Sometimes, facing the fear is facing the darkness inside yourself.
For the last year or so, I've battled with what some would call depression. I say some because I am no expert on the matter, nor have I received any official diagnosis of being depressed. But I have felt it, like a fog that rests on your conscience; you're not really sure what lies ahead or even behind and you feel paralyzed and unmotivated to embark on such a quest of discovery. I feel it even now as I write this, but writing this confession is all I could bring myself to do in the midst of work to be done and PhD applications to be completed. I hope and pray that this written confession helps me to not only face that fear in myself, but to take the steps to overcome it.
It's a long way down from here
June of 2014 was the best and scariest time of my life thus far. I was graduating from seminary with a degree I've wanted for a long time but allowed outside voices of discouragement allow me to forget. I also just finished a term as student body president and had amazing experiences that only solidified and confirmed my dream of running an institution of similar nature. I was happy, I had purpose and the possibilities were endless. This statement ironically was also the very reason for my fear. Everyone wanted to know what was next for me in my journey and many shared high hopes and aspirations, some even higher than my own. It was a shock to some then, when I decided to stay and take a job at the school I attended. They thought my reasoning for taking something that would be a stable transition as I prepared to apply for PhD programs was a noble one, but feared that I would "get stuck" as the saying went in those circles. I acknowledged their fear as one of my own, but assured them that this would not be the case. I still had a plan, and I would not deter from it.
The beginnings of the job proved difficult for many reasons I shall not discuss here, but I found that it was not just the circumstances of my employment that proved hard: I was tired and I failed to take a moment to stop and breathe. By the end of the year I questioned my decision; I postponed my PhD applications another year to give myself some space and rest, but I was not sure of how to accomplish either. By the beginning of 2015 the stress of work, relationships, and other responsibilities weighed on me to no end, and I would find myself crying most days, for no particular reason at all.
Depression or Circumstance?
By the Fall of 2015, circumstances had changed (somewhat), but the fog still remained. I felt paralyzed to accomplish the things I knew to be the right path for me. I tried to grab hold of things that brought me life. They did, but even still it was hard to focus on getting them done. I struggled to engage in things I loved, and only felt at peace by distracting myself with social media, arbitrary mobile games and Netflix. I struggled to remember who I was; I doubted myself in every way and when I did fail at something, I used that as ammunition for a battle where I was both victor and the defeated. I isolated myself from people. I became flaky, not following through on what I said, and I wondered if the paths I thought were right were right for me. From my perspective I became unpredictable in mood; if I wasn't oversharing, I was isolating. I was not myself, and people noticed.
Purpose Driven Life
I have never read the Purpose Driven Life, but it sure felt like I was living it. Since the beginning of my seminary career (and even before) I based my life on the purpose I would accomplish. My life was dictated by what I thought to be my purpose, and my purpose dictated by what I thought to be my vocation. "You want to be a writer? Get an MFA and go write." "You want to be a theologian and artist? Get your MDiv." "Oh you want to teach, then you must get your PhD" and so on and so on. My life was dictated by what I wanted to be, but I never stopped to think of who I actually was.
I recently read Called by Mark Labberton and had the honor of teaching a course on calling at New City Church of Los Angeles where I attend. There, we learned that calling wasn't about what you wanted to be when you grew up but about receiving and living the love of Christ for yourself and others. My life was driven on accomplishing a task, it was driven by becoming. But my calling was not driven by becoming; it rested on being. For this entire year or so I've been focused on becoming, but I didn't know how to just be. I lost myself because I was working so hard to find it, and like quicksand I sank deeper with every struggle. But I realized that in his ever present patience, God was waiting for me to tire myself out all along. And as I write to you now, I realize that I am tired. I was always tired; tired of trying to figure out next steps, tired of fighting for change when it didn't seem to be coming, tired of believing I was something I wasn't.
Waiting here for You
So here I am now: tired, depressed (though undiagnosed) and waiting. I am not out of this place that I have resided. I still struggle with the same doubt, the same fear. I still find it extremely difficult to focus though time is merciless and application deadlines are approaching and work never ceases. I turn 33 in a week and a half and I don't feel like celebrating. For the first time, it just feels like another day. And yet, I will celebrate (mostly because my friends offered to take me to dinner) and I will finish my applications (mostly because no one should have to endure the GRE and have nothing to show for it) and I will find my calling place, where I can learn to receive and life the love of Christ.
But I wonder if there are others who are like me, who deal with these low seasons of life and isolate rather than turn to community. I wonder if others have people to talk to when some in their community and family don't understand what it means to be depressed. I personally have been blessed with a diverse community of people who understand these things and are willing to walk with me through them (whether I like it or not). I am grateful to have resources for therapy and spiritual direction, as well as mentors and friends who will encourage me. But mostly I am grateful for a God who is present with me in the valley of waiting. He understands what it means to wait and to be expected. He will teach me to rest in being. He will teach me to wait. And he will come.
Sometimes, facing the fear is facing the darkness inside yourself.
For the last year or so, I've battled with what some would call depression. I say some because I am no expert on the matter, nor have I received any official diagnosis of being depressed. But I have felt it, like a fog that rests on your conscience; you're not really sure what lies ahead or even behind and you feel paralyzed and unmotivated to embark on such a quest of discovery. I feel it even now as I write this, but writing this confession is all I could bring myself to do in the midst of work to be done and PhD applications to be completed. I hope and pray that this written confession helps me to not only face that fear in myself, but to take the steps to overcome it.
It's a long way down from here
 |
| Graduation 2014: The sky's the limit! |
June of 2014 was the best and scariest time of my life thus far. I was graduating from seminary with a degree I've wanted for a long time but allowed outside voices of discouragement allow me to forget. I also just finished a term as student body president and had amazing experiences that only solidified and confirmed my dream of running an institution of similar nature. I was happy, I had purpose and the possibilities were endless. This statement ironically was also the very reason for my fear. Everyone wanted to know what was next for me in my journey and many shared high hopes and aspirations, some even higher than my own. It was a shock to some then, when I decided to stay and take a job at the school I attended. They thought my reasoning for taking something that would be a stable transition as I prepared to apply for PhD programs was a noble one, but feared that I would "get stuck" as the saying went in those circles. I acknowledged their fear as one of my own, but assured them that this would not be the case. I still had a plan, and I would not deter from it.
The beginnings of the job proved difficult for many reasons I shall not discuss here, but I found that it was not just the circumstances of my employment that proved hard: I was tired and I failed to take a moment to stop and breathe. By the end of the year I questioned my decision; I postponed my PhD applications another year to give myself some space and rest, but I was not sure of how to accomplish either. By the beginning of 2015 the stress of work, relationships, and other responsibilities weighed on me to no end, and I would find myself crying most days, for no particular reason at all.
Depression or Circumstance?
"I don't think you are depressed, I think it's just circumstantial. Let's see how you feel after this blows over."These were the words of a friend who I'd just told that I thought I was depressed. It was March by this time, and the weighing down that I felt was more than just the emotional cycle of PMS. I did not have words for what I was feeling, so my lack of vocabulary lead me to conclude that I was depressed. But she was right. I was in the midst of circumstance that felt like "trouble on every side" and I felt that any confidence I had left had been ripped out of me at that point. Maybe my "depression" was just my natural reaction to going through a hard time in life. And besides, people were starving and without, black male bodies were lying dead in the street for no reason other than fear, and millions were being exploited all around the world; in perspective my life didn't seem so bad. And even still, there were real people out there dealing with real depression to the point that they couldn't get out of bed or that their lives were completely changed so who was I to compare myself to this? This was also true, but none of this made me feel any better. In fact, it made me feel worse, as I only felt guilt and shame for feeling this way when others had circumstances more dire than mine.
By the Fall of 2015, circumstances had changed (somewhat), but the fog still remained. I felt paralyzed to accomplish the things I knew to be the right path for me. I tried to grab hold of things that brought me life. They did, but even still it was hard to focus on getting them done. I struggled to engage in things I loved, and only felt at peace by distracting myself with social media, arbitrary mobile games and Netflix. I struggled to remember who I was; I doubted myself in every way and when I did fail at something, I used that as ammunition for a battle where I was both victor and the defeated. I isolated myself from people. I became flaky, not following through on what I said, and I wondered if the paths I thought were right were right for me. From my perspective I became unpredictable in mood; if I wasn't oversharing, I was isolating. I was not myself, and people noticed.
Purpose Driven Life
I have never read the Purpose Driven Life, but it sure felt like I was living it. Since the beginning of my seminary career (and even before) I based my life on the purpose I would accomplish. My life was dictated by what I thought to be my purpose, and my purpose dictated by what I thought to be my vocation. "You want to be a writer? Get an MFA and go write." "You want to be a theologian and artist? Get your MDiv." "Oh you want to teach, then you must get your PhD" and so on and so on. My life was dictated by what I wanted to be, but I never stopped to think of who I actually was.
 |
| Called by Mark Labberton |
Waiting here for You
So here I am now: tired, depressed (though undiagnosed) and waiting. I am not out of this place that I have resided. I still struggle with the same doubt, the same fear. I still find it extremely difficult to focus though time is merciless and application deadlines are approaching and work never ceases. I turn 33 in a week and a half and I don't feel like celebrating. For the first time, it just feels like another day. And yet, I will celebrate (mostly because my friends offered to take me to dinner) and I will finish my applications (mostly because no one should have to endure the GRE and have nothing to show for it) and I will find my calling place, where I can learn to receive and life the love of Christ.
But I wonder if there are others who are like me, who deal with these low seasons of life and isolate rather than turn to community. I wonder if others have people to talk to when some in their community and family don't understand what it means to be depressed. I personally have been blessed with a diverse community of people who understand these things and are willing to walk with me through them (whether I like it or not). I am grateful to have resources for therapy and spiritual direction, as well as mentors and friends who will encourage me. But mostly I am grateful for a God who is present with me in the valley of waiting. He understands what it means to wait and to be expected. He will teach me to rest in being. He will teach me to wait. And he will come.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Prayer STILL changes things
A few years ago I embarked on a personal project I called "a prayer a day." For this project, I wrote down all the names of friends and people that I knew, cut those names into strips and placed them in a jar. Each day I pulled a name and prayed for that person throughout the day. Sometimes I wouldn't tell the person that I was praying for them that day, other times I was able to share my project with the individual. Several things resulted from this:
1. I prayed more (go figure). I didn't stop praying for other things (events that would happen, or for myself) but by allowing myself to focus on a person I prayed more throughout the day.
2. I focused more on others: This time allowed me to shift my focus from my own problems to other people. By considering others, and choosing to pray for and bless them I experienced less stress and actually was less concerned with my own "stuff."
3. Deepening of relationships: by reaching out to others and praying for them, I was able to catch up with old friends, reconcile relationships and connect deeper to community.
All that to say, it wasn't a bad idea.
In fact, prayer is NEVER a bad idea. I am a firm believer that prayer changes things and have been so blessed and surprised when I get a note/text/message from a friend saying "thinking and praying for you today." There is something about being seen and being known (both by God and by those in our community) that changes our outlook on a situation, even if the situation itself has not changed.
So I've decided to do it again! But to do this, I need people to pray for.
If you would like to be included in the prayer list just do one of the steps below:
FACEBOOK FRIENDS: Send me a private message or respond to this post by liking the link or commenting in the comment section. If you want to be on the list but do not want to be notified if you are chosen for that day simply put "do not contact" behind your name.
TWITTER FRIENDS: Send me a private message or click "favorite" and I will add you to the list. If you want to be on the list but do not want to be notified if you are chosen for that day simply put "do not contact" in a response tweet.
OTHER FRIENDS: Simply reply to this post in the comments section. If you want to be on the list but do not want to be notified if you are chosen for that day simply put "do not contact" behind your name.
One person will be chosen everyday and notified (if they want to). If you are chosen, please feel free to send me prayer requests, praise reports or an update on your life!
I hope this time around I am able to connect to those in my community. I pray that we see major change for the better!
An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but #APrayerADay has more power than we think!
1. I prayed more (go figure). I didn't stop praying for other things (events that would happen, or for myself) but by allowing myself to focus on a person I prayed more throughout the day.
2. I focused more on others: This time allowed me to shift my focus from my own problems to other people. By considering others, and choosing to pray for and bless them I experienced less stress and actually was less concerned with my own "stuff."
3. Deepening of relationships: by reaching out to others and praying for them, I was able to catch up with old friends, reconcile relationships and connect deeper to community.
All that to say, it wasn't a bad idea.
In fact, prayer is NEVER a bad idea. I am a firm believer that prayer changes things and have been so blessed and surprised when I get a note/text/message from a friend saying "thinking and praying for you today." There is something about being seen and being known (both by God and by those in our community) that changes our outlook on a situation, even if the situation itself has not changed.
So I've decided to do it again! But to do this, I need people to pray for.
If you would like to be included in the prayer list just do one of the steps below:
FACEBOOK FRIENDS: Send me a private message or respond to this post by liking the link or commenting in the comment section. If you want to be on the list but do not want to be notified if you are chosen for that day simply put "do not contact" behind your name.
TWITTER FRIENDS: Send me a private message or click "favorite" and I will add you to the list. If you want to be on the list but do not want to be notified if you are chosen for that day simply put "do not contact" in a response tweet.
OTHER FRIENDS: Simply reply to this post in the comments section. If you want to be on the list but do not want to be notified if you are chosen for that day simply put "do not contact" behind your name.
One person will be chosen everyday and notified (if they want to). If you are chosen, please feel free to send me prayer requests, praise reports or an update on your life!
I hope this time around I am able to connect to those in my community. I pray that we see major change for the better!
An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but #APrayerADay has more power than we think!
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