About a week and a half ago, I begin studies at Fuller Theological Seminary in hopes to obtain my degree and take one step closer towards becoming a professor. During my first week, I attended the weekly chapel and was blessed by the President of the School, Richard J. Mouw. His sermon, which talked about prayer, included five principles (or attributes rather) that we should ascribe to our prayer life. One of those points was Honest Conversation.
Essentially, President Mouw encouraged us to not hide anything from God in prayer, for He knows what we pray even before we form the words, but instead we should engage in honest conversation and allow our vulnerability and openness to the dealings of God be our foundation for growth. I really began to take that to heart. At that moment, I was greatly conflicted with my decision to attend Fuller, mostly deriving from a lack of confidence; formed by being placed in the midst of ideals unbeknownst to me. I constantly questioned myself; and dealt with feelings of being vastly under-qualified; even after already being accepted (but that usually NEVER HAPPENS, what do I look like; human?). I questioned my place in an overwhelming community of theological mindsets; creative talents and philosophical ideals. The only thing that I was sure of was that I was there, sitting in that chair, listening to a man whose been down a road that I was beginning to engage tell me that the only thing I needed to be was honest with God.
Now I must admit; I'm a pretty honest person as far as I am aware. When it comes to conversations with God, I have no problem expressing how I feel. But I have learned that being honest with God is a lot more than just "telling it like it is." I realized this past week that sharing my true feelings with God and not holding back means nothing if I am unwilling to listen. That's the point of Honest CONVERSATION. It's easy for us to express how we really feel or say what we really mean, but how easy is it for us to listen to how what we say SOUNDS TO GOD? It's one thing to say; "God, I really feel out of place here, unprepared to take on what's in front of me" and another thing to realize that you actually said, "God, you didnt make the right decision by placing me here, this is not your will for me."
Now, I am not saying that we should fear speaking out in honesty towards God because we feel he's going to hear our lack of faith; but how many of us are ready to admit that most of the time that is the case. At least it was for me. Now, God did not condemn my honesty about how I felt; in fact he encourages it. He understands the inner dealings of my heart more than I do or ever will. Not only does he know, but he KNEW. He already knew that I would have these issues and already prepared the way for my deliverance from myself. He knew that there was something more important than feeling better about being honest; that being honest with him opened the door for him to reveal his true self to me. That regardless of the state I found myself; if I presented myself naked before him that he would reveal his truth to me.
So, what is this blog about exactly?
Honest Conversation.
This is a place for me to, in a way, write myself out of something...anything...everything, while I am at Fuller. I don't expect anyone to read it, but I highly recommend it. I hope you are not too offended by my honesty, but on the contrary, engage in the conversations. It is my quest to be as honest as possible, with God and with you (the reader), in hopes that I might get a glimpse at another side of the True and Living God and in doing so, catch a truthful glimpse of myself.
In as much truth as I can muster,
Tamisha A Tyler
No comments:
Post a Comment